[mature] Darkness is needed for light to shine - Nihlus

[Nuage]

Lately, he had been staring at his own reflection awfully often. Too often. Way too often. But after today that would end. That is what Nuage minds tells him to do, he is not sure if his heart will comply. Probably not, but he does not know what is worse. Leave, and finish it for once and for all, or stay, and be reminded of the heartache each every day.

Nu would hate to admit it, but he does not all like the first option. It would close the door for good and signal the end of something that had started so, so sweet. This is what his mind tells him to do.

He knows the second option isn’t much better. As the bay-blue male stares into the water, with starry sky above him, it is easy to remember their night together. Right here on this riverbank. Here he’d met Nihlus, and here the door to a whole new world had been opened. But, just like every other time he had stood there daydreaming, the dream ends with an open void. Lied to, and left behind.

And it is said that it is never good to linger in the past.

Nuage tears his gaze away from his glowing reflection, refusing the acknowledge the angry tears in his eyes. It is easier to think of them as angry, the only other option were to define them as pained tears. And that Nu absolutely refuses to allow. No more shedding tears for the bastard that left him to rot.

As he turns his back on the river, now facing the vegetation that would allow him to slip into the dark forest. His first steps are hesitant, and Nuage has to grind his teeth together as he blinks the tears away. He would not allow them to roll down his cheeks. Refused to. But with each step he takes, the easier they become. Lighter, as if a weight has dropped from his shoulders. Nuage refused to let himself be tied down any longer.

Today, he would visit the tree one last time. The huge oak had been his only friend for a long while in his life, but he knows he should not return to this place. Yes, the magic had happened here, but so had his worst nightmare. A nightmare Nuage wants to leave behind for once and for all.

Nuage

I wanted it to be you

Sid
Figured it is time for their story to continue ^^.

[Nihlus]

The reasons why are less than stellar.

(The reasons why he'd not sought out the sky-kissed boy in months after promising him a forever. The reason why he'd left the river with a full heart, but with a twisted stomach that clenched every time he looked back. The reason why there had never been one such as him in the past, whose eyes looked deeper into Nihlus than he had ever imagined possible, and a smile that caused goosebumps were none ever resided before. The reason why he neglected his love; his light; his libido. The reason why he'd fucked up.)

There'd not been anyone else. He couldn't even claim to be disloyal, couldn't use that as a scapegoat to explain away his absence. No, the dark stallion simply... felt, well, scared. Terrified. Bewildered and confused at every turn, smiling more than frowning but frowning every time he realized it: barely able to contain the butterflies that erupted at the thought of Nuage, but without the nets to catch and admire them.

The reason why? He was lovestruck. Completely and absolutely.

And the reason why he sought out Nuage tonight, months later, in the middle of summer, with the stars guiding his uneasy footsteps? He couldn't tell you. He couldn't even tell himself.

His stomach's in his throat as the familiar trees begin dotting the landscape, and he clipped his hoof on a log, stumbling. Get it together, Nih. He gritted his teeth against the voice, ears tipping back to brush his skull. With every step further, his heart rate increased, and before long the stallion hyperventilated, snorting with nearly every breath. He couldn't help it - the smell of Nuage pervaded his every other thought, and his body went off in reaction to the scent.

But then -- it wasn't just a memory, just a hallucination -- he was there -- his love --

"Nuage," he half-yelled half-choked, hooves scrambling to close the distance between them before the beautiful man could disappear from his sight, punish him for his absence. Nih reached for him desperately, not knowing what else to do - what else to say - but he stopped himself before their skin collided, his glowing eyes catching on the tears that welled within Nuage's eyes but refused to fall.

His stomach hit the lining of his barrel; sunk further than it ever had during these months. Imagining Nuage sad was one thing - seeing it, another completely.

"Nuage, I-I don't have any excuses except that - except that -" His ears tipped back, eyes dropping, voice far higher and more stumbly than what Nuage might expect of the typically suave and baritone stallion. Despite the warm weather, he shivered, hoping that the starlight would not be enough to expose his trembling figure. A thousand thoughts went through his head, most of them lies, most of them excuses that would lead to more sex and pain - but he pushed those words away, bit them off and shook his head, trying in vain to say the right thing.

"Except that I'm in love with you, and I've never - it's not - I'm..."

He picked up his gaze, begged with it for Nuage to understand.

"I'm scared, and I'm so sorry."

Nihlus

that's all I want

@[Nuage]

[Nuage]

With each step he takes, he becomes more determined. It is like his broken heart – which crumbled a little further with each step – was finally building a wall to keep it from further harm. Never, ever again. That Nuage tells himself. No matter how wonderful the night had been, it was not worth it.

His gaze is ahead, into the thick bush that would lead him to the oak. Just one last visit. He notices something out of the corner of his eye, but refuses to acknowledge it. Nuage isn’t ready to face another, knowing they all said that his waiting was futile. Although it had taken the blue-bay stallion too long to realise the truth in those words, Nu does not need to hear it again. He is done.

He wraps his invisible cloak around his shoulders. Now he has his mind set, and his thoughts are not all over the place, it is not a hard task. Nuage is in control. For the first time in a long while. Until–

”Nuage…”

His name. That voice. The half-chocked, shrill sound. Is makes him shudder, and it’s enough to make Nuage’s grasp on his gift slip. He flickers in and out of visibility a couple of times, each flicker a mere second after the previous one, until he is painfully aware that he is visible and that Nihlus is scrambling towards him.

His first reaction is to freeze, unable to move like his hooves are glued to the ground. Then, slowly, he bends his neck to look at the dark bay male. Tears well up in his eyes, and just like that, the walls he had built to protect himself shatter. “Nih..” is the soft whisper that escapes past his pale blue lips.

Nuage does not move when the taller male stops before him, only ever so slowly tilting his head back so he can meet the man’s gaze. Instantly he’s vulnerable again, and there is nothing he wants more than to push himself against Nihlus, to bask in his attention. No. Turning round 180 degrees he sudden stops his hoof down on the ground, and as his ears turn to press back against his neck, his tail violently flicks through the air. “No,” he finally says out loud. “I.. I’m not falling for it again.” But his voice is already wavering.

To put weight to his words, the blue-bay male forces himself to step back and create more room between them. It only makes the tension, the attraction and need, between them grow. Nuage swallows the dry lump in his throat, attempts to, but it does nothing to ease his breathing. Nor does it calm his raging heart. But fuck, seeing Nihlus, distressed and fucking struggling to say whatever he needs to say, it only convinces him more that Nihlus is not ready.

Nuage is shaking, trembling, as the tears finally spill from his eyes. Each tear makes his anger towards the bay stallion grow, become stronger and fiercer. Nuage regrets not leaving sooner. He regrets to not have ran, invisible and unable to be followed. And oh, he regrets it so, so badly to have fallen for the man. Nihlus had become his whole world, in such a short amount of time, and ruined it even quicker.

His teeth grind together, jaws tight and ears still flicked backwards. “You’ll only run, again”. What tells me you won’t?

Nuage

I wanted it to be you

@[Nihlus]

[Nihlus]

The other flickered in and out of reality as he had upon their first meeting, but this time, it wasn't in response to Nih's hot breath racing down his back; nor was it from love-bites or sex or even the after-sex embraces. No, Nuage's flickering stemmed now from heartbreak; from betrayal; from a love disguised in hate so well that he thought himself mad.

Nih...

It was only a whisper, but it left Nihlus reeling. Drunk off the sound of his lover's voice and thirsting for more, an alcoholic, addicted to that which would kill him (or perhaps this is his first taste of sobriety; a saving-thing; a reawakening of a spirit he thought long dead and gone). He reached for the other desperately, but before their noses touch, the other is wheeling around, running away, giving Nih a taste of his own goddamn medicine.

No. I.. I'm not falling for it again.

He spoke in a wavering voice that left Nihlus crushed, pinning his ears and stomping his hooves as if this were a fight and not a reunion. The rain-born pressed his ears forward and keened wordlessly, eyes shimmering with tears; the emotions he felt were foreign to his body, and he hadn't the means to know how to navigate their stormy waters. Instead, he allowed them perfect control of his actions, contorting himself into shapes previously unimaginable; but that's what love'll do to you. It'll fuck you up - and indeed, it fucked Nihlus up bad.

You'll only run, again.

"No," he said abruptly and all too loudly, scrambling to find stable ground in this conversational avalanche. Nuage's hooves stepped back, back, but for every retreating step Nihlus took two forward, unable to respect the other's privacy, lost to the panic of his own mind despite the anger that flared on Nuage's delicate face. He wasn't scared of Nuage's anger - not of his hooves or teeth - but he was scared of his love. Scared, and in awe; a kind of worshipful emotion that left Nihlus devastated and without.

"No, Nuage, I won't. Please, please come here," Nih reached out again, and cringed when he was denied. His heart hammered. He needed to fix this now. "Please Nuage, I'll do anything to prove this to you -- m-my love, I mean I'll -- I love you and I'll do anything for you." The tears that had welled in his eyes now spilled down his dark cheekbones, glimmering in the dim starlight. "I'll follow you to the ends of the earth, to hell itself, I want to be with you in every way no matter what --"

He sucked in a breath, cutting off his rambling words. He could see in Nuage's expression that this wasn't enough; that what he would do did not erase what he had done. He deserved an explanation - and even more than that, demanded one. Nih's gaze dropped shamefully, the vulnerability of the scenario making his skin feel translucent.

"Nuage, I left you because I thought the distance would help me to forget about us. But every day this feeling I have has grown stronger, and I - I've changed my mind about us. I don't want to forget." He bit his lip, looked up, spoke more forcefully. "I can't even look at other men without feeling guilty because goddamnit Nuage, it's your face I see in every dream, and its your touch I crave beyond reason. I'm ruined, Nuage, and I thought that I could be fixed if I stayed away."

A silence fell, the half-yelled words sizzling electrically between them. As his expression softened, Nihlus stepped forward, hoped that Nuage would not step back, lost himself in the way his lover's blue eyes finally met his own. "But I was wrong, Nuage. I don't want to be whole."

"I just want to be yours."

Nihlus

that's all I want

@[Nuage]

[Nuage]

Nihlus’ battle with love did indeed fuck you up. Though where the dark bay male is being fucked up by it, it is different for Nuage. It is the lack of love (and care, and attention, and commitment) that fucks him up. There is no way one could deny that Nihlus didn’t fuck it up bad by breaking his promise and disappearing.

The result had been a broken-hearted sky kissed bay stallion. And as always, Nih makes him feel like a love-struck boy – like a goddamn idiot – and there is nothing that Nuage can do to stop the feeling. Just seeing the tall, handsome stallion makes his knees weak and head spin. Desire and need are thick in the air. He want to be close to Nihlus is painful, and so very, very conflicting with his anger. I am not giving in. He can fucking fuck off again. The soft whisper of his ex-lover’s name had been a weak moment, and nothing more than that. Or so Nu tells himself.

He both hates and loves the way in which Nihlus presses forward. Never before had Nuage denied his dom what he wanted, but that is perhaps why he is more determined to not give it right now. “Stay away!” he snaps, futile as Nih presses further forward. In fact, when Nihlus speaks again, he is close enough to reach out. Nuage’s reaction comes in the form of bared teeth that aim to harm.

Nihlus isn’t the only one panicking. But, in Nuage’s defence, he had warned the other male.

“No, no, no, NOOO. Stay away from me!” The blue-bay is shaking his head repeatedly, eyes squeezing shut as he tries to block out each and every spoken words, there was no way that he would go to the taller stallion. He even goes as far as rearing lowly, legs kicking out to drive Nihlus away from him, then stomping them on the ground before jumping backward. Nuage, too, is crying. And his body trembling, with the effort to keep himself together. After all those months, he finally has reached his breaking point. And the more Nihlus says, the worse he becomes. Shut the fuck up. Please.

There are so many things he wants to say, things he wants to yell and get off his heart, but the lump in his throat makes it impossible for Nuage to speak up. And it is not as if Nihlus would allow him to speak. Not while he is fucking yelling at Nuage. By the time he is done, the blue-bay is shaking with anger.

When Nihlus steps forwards this time, Nuage raises his head. His chest puffs out – not that it makes him look impressive, but the message is clear enough – and his teeth are bared. Don’t. Come. Near. Me. To make sure Nih does not mistaken his angry posture, Nu’s blue tipped ears press back against his neck and his left foreleg angrily stomps and scrapes the ground. “You had me. Then you fucking left” he snaps back, shaking his head as to deny whatever Nihlus is asking for.

Instead of softening, like Nihlus’ gaze, his gaze hardens. His angry stare holds his ex-lover’s one, before glancing away with a loud huff and another stomp of his hoof. He doesn’t realises how he is panting, how his anger has him all shaken up, and how it all might look like. Doesn’t care either. “You had me,” he repeats, softer this time as his tail flicks through the air. “Didn’t you know that two halves make a whole?” Or could’ve made a whole.

In the silence that follows the electric zaps reach a whole new level of intensity. To the point it makes Nuage uncomfortable, not only aware of his anger, hurt and betrayed feeling, but also painfully aware of the desire and need between them. Enough to make him try and swallow the dry lump in his throat, wetting his own lips in the process. Slowly Nuage’s gaze moves back to Nihlus, staring right into those glowing blue eyes that never fail to lure him. At the same time Nihlus’ last words keep ringing in his ears. “I just want to be yours.” Exactly the thing Nuage had asked of the tall dark bay male before he had drifted to sleep, the answer had only followed when he hadn’t been conscious to hear it, and now it was finally spoken out loud. Nuage shudders, gasping for breath as he stumbles backwards. Trying to fight it he shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut to keep the tears from falling, but failing. Lower lip is wedged between his teeth, now more hesitantly lifting his gaze to glance at Nihlus.

The silence stretches. Another deep breath, his eyes closed for a short moment as his muscles let go a little of the tension. “Prove it.”

He’s caving. But not without making Nihlus show how committed he is. How much he wants this and how much of his words are true.

Nuage

I wanted it to be you

@[Nihlus]
WORDPLOSION