Lately, he had been staring at his own reflection awfully often. Too often. Way too often. But after today that would end. That is what Nuage minds tells him to do, he is not sure if his heart will comply. Probably not, but he does not know what is worse. Leave, and finish it for once and for all, or stay, and be reminded of the heartache each every day.

Nu would hate to admit it, but he does not all like the first option. It would close the door for good and signal the end of something that had started so, so sweet. This is what his mind tells him to do.

He knows the second option isn’t much better. As the bay-blue male stares into the water, with starry sky above him, it is easy to remember their night together. Right here on this riverbank. Here he’d met Nihlus, and here the door to a whole new world had been opened. But, just like every other time he had stood there daydreaming, the dream ends with an open void. Lied to, and left behind.

And it is said that it is never good to linger in the past.

Nuage tears his gaze away from his glowing reflection, refusing the acknowledge the angry tears in his eyes. It is easier to think of them as angry, the only other option were to define them as pained tears. And that Nu absolutely refuses to allow. No more shedding tears for the bastard that left him to rot.

As he turns his back on the river, now facing the vegetation that would allow him to slip into the dark forest. His first steps are hesitant, and Nuage has to grind his teeth together as he blinks the tears away. He would not allow them to roll down his cheeks. Refused to. But with each step he takes, the easier they become. Lighter, as if a weight has dropped from his shoulders. Nuage refused to let himself be tied down any longer.

Today, he would visit the tree one last time. The huge oak had been his only friend for a long while in his life, but he knows he should not return to this place. Yes, the magic had happened here, but so had his worst nightmare. A nightmare Nuage wants to leave behind for once and for all.

Nuage

I wanted it to be you

With each step he takes, he becomes more determined. It is like his broken heart – which crumbled a little further with each step – was finally building a wall to keep it from further harm. Never, ever again. That Nuage tells himself. No matter how wonderful the night had been, it was not worth it.

His gaze is ahead, into the thick bush that would lead him to the oak. Just one last visit. He notices something out of the corner of his eye, but refuses to acknowledge it. Nuage isn’t ready to face another, knowing they all said that his waiting was futile. Although it had taken the blue-bay stallion too long to realise the truth in those words, Nu does not need to hear it again. He is done.

He wraps his invisible cloak around his shoulders. Now he has his mind set, and his thoughts are not all over the place, it is not a hard task. Nuage is in control. For the first time in a long while. Until–

”Nuage…”

His name. That voice. The half-chocked, shrill sound. Is makes him shudder, and it’s enough to make Nuage’s grasp on his gift slip. He flickers in and out of visibility a couple of times, each flicker a mere second after the previous one, until he is painfully aware that he is visible and that Nihlus is scrambling towards him.

His first reaction is to freeze, unable to move like his hooves are glued to the ground. Then, slowly, he bends his neck to look at the dark bay male. Tears well up in his eyes, and just like that, the walls he had built to protect himself shatter. “Nih..” is the soft whisper that escapes past his pale blue lips.

Nuage does not move when the taller male stops before him, only ever so slowly tilting his head back so he can meet the man’s gaze. Instantly he’s vulnerable again, and there is nothing he wants more than to push himself against Nihlus, to bask in his attention. No. Turning round 180 degrees he sudden stops his hoof down on the ground, and as his ears turn to press back against his neck, his tail violently flicks through the air. “No,” he finally says out loud. “I.. I’m not falling for it again.” But his voice is already wavering.

To put weight to his words, the blue-bay male forces himself to step back and create more room between them. It only makes the tension, the attraction and need, between them grow. Nuage swallows the dry lump in his throat, attempts to, but it does nothing to ease his breathing. Nor does it calm his raging heart. But fuck, seeing Nihlus, distressed and fucking struggling to say whatever he needs to say, it only convinces him more that Nihlus is not ready.

Nuage is shaking, trembling, as the tears finally spill from his eyes. Each tear makes his anger towards the bay stallion grow, become stronger and fiercer. Nuage regrets not leaving sooner. He regrets to not have ran, invisible and unable to be followed. And oh, he regrets it so, so badly to have fallen for the man. Nihlus had become his whole world, in such a short amount of time, and ruined it even quicker.

His teeth grind together, jaws tight and ears still flicked backwards. “You’ll only run, again”. What tells me you won’t?

Nuage

I wanted it to be you

Nihlus’ battle with love did indeed fuck you up. Though where the dark bay male is being fucked up by it, it is different for Nuage. It is the lack of love (and care, and attention, and commitment) that fucks him up. There is no way one could deny that Nihlus didn’t fuck it up bad by breaking his promise and disappearing.

The result had been a broken-hearted sky kissed bay stallion. And as always, Nih makes him feel like a love-struck boy – like a goddamn idiot – and there is nothing that Nuage can do to stop the feeling. Just seeing the tall, handsome stallion makes his knees weak and head spin. Desire and need are thick in the air. He want to be close to Nihlus is painful, and so very, very conflicting with his anger. I am not giving in. He can fucking fuck off again. The soft whisper of his ex-lover’s name had been a weak moment, and nothing more than that. Or so Nu tells himself.

He both hates and loves the way in which Nihlus presses forward. Never before had Nuage denied his dom what he wanted, but that is perhaps why he is more determined to not give it right now. “Stay away!” he snaps, futile as Nih presses further forward. In fact, when Nihlus speaks again, he is close enough to reach out. Nuage’s reaction comes in the form of bared teeth that aim to harm.

Nihlus isn’t the only one panicking. But, in Nuage’s defence, he had warned the other male.

“No, no, no, NOOO. Stay away from me!” The blue-bay is shaking his head repeatedly, eyes squeezing shut as he tries to block out each and every spoken words, there was no way that he would go to the taller stallion. He even goes as far as rearing lowly, legs kicking out to drive Nihlus away from him, then stomping them on the ground before jumping backward. Nuage, too, is crying. And his body trembling, with the effort to keep himself together. After all those months, he finally has reached his breaking point. And the more Nihlus says, the worse he becomes. Shut the fuck up. Please.

There are so many things he wants to say, things he wants to yell and get off his heart, but the lump in his throat makes it impossible for Nuage to speak up. And it is not as if Nihlus would allow him to speak. Not while he is fucking yelling at Nuage. By the time he is done, the blue-bay is shaking with anger.

When Nihlus steps forwards this time, Nuage raises his head. His chest puffs out – not that it makes him look impressive, but the message is clear enough – and his teeth are bared. Don’t. Come. Near. Me. To make sure Nih does not mistaken his angry posture, Nu’s blue tipped ears press back against his neck and his left foreleg angrily stomps and scrapes the ground. “You had me. Then you fucking left” he snaps back, shaking his head as to deny whatever Nihlus is asking for.

Instead of softening, like Nihlus’ gaze, his gaze hardens. His angry stare holds his ex-lover’s one, before glancing away with a loud huff and another stomp of his hoof. He doesn’t realises how he is panting, how his anger has him all shaken up, and how it all might look like. Doesn’t care either. “You had me,” he repeats, softer this time as his tail flicks through the air. “Didn’t you know that two halves make a whole?” Or could’ve made a whole.

In the silence that follows the electric zaps reach a whole new level of intensity. To the point it makes Nuage uncomfortable, not only aware of his anger, hurt and betrayed feeling, but also painfully aware of the desire and need between them. Enough to make him try and swallow the dry lump in his throat, wetting his own lips in the process. Slowly Nuage’s gaze moves back to Nihlus, staring right into those glowing blue eyes that never fail to lure him. At the same time Nihlus’ last words keep ringing in his ears. “I just want to be yours.” Exactly the thing Nuage had asked of the tall dark bay male before he had drifted to sleep, the answer had only followed when he hadn’t been conscious to hear it, and now it was finally spoken out loud. Nuage shudders, gasping for breath as he stumbles backwards. Trying to fight it he shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut to keep the tears from falling, but failing. Lower lip is wedged between his teeth, now more hesitantly lifting his gaze to glance at Nihlus.

The silence stretches. Another deep breath, his eyes closed for a short moment as his muscles let go a little of the tension. “Prove it.”

He’s caving. But not without making Nihlus show how committed he is. How much he wants this and how much of his words are true.

Nuage

I wanted it to be you