DAWN
i just killed off what was left of the optimist in me
Would it be easier to give in? To just give the man what he wants – control of the East? She knows he is a good man – he will be a good king, and with any hope he will be a just one as well. He is tranquil, standing before her, despite the storm raging in her own mind. He is calm and poised; he knows what he wants and he is here to take it, no matter what it costs them. He has been a good man, to her and to Kensa and the children and all of his allies and friends. Her opinion of him is one that is too complicated to put to words, but she doesn’t hate him – she could never hate him.
He speaks again, and she looks to him with eyes full of concern as his voice breaks over her name. He agrees to her terms easily enough but it is as if she can see something breaking in him – his words are terse but there is no anger there, only a vast emptiness in his eyes that shocks her to her core.
Does he realize? Does he know how it feels to feel so empty? To have spent so much time proving yourself, over and over and over again – for nothing?
The story tumbles from his lips and she smiles, wondering what such a party must have been like for the children of Hyaline. She pictures younger versions of Sunny, of Lie, of Kensa, of Clay, of everyone, laughing and playing and tumbling over the chaos of being too young to understand love but old enough to understand desire. Was it then, before she officially turned her allegiances to Hyaline, that Sunny fell in love with Chryseis? Did Lie and Kensa fall head over heels then, or was it later, when they took the seat of Hyaline together at the bidding of Kagerus and Solace?
She remembers the hundreds of hours that she had spent with Sunny, exploring every inch of Beqanna they could get their hooves on without trespassing into kingdoms or risking the rage of an older, grumpier horse. She wonders how long it has been since she, herself, has felt that carefree.
Way too long.
“Rhaegor and I... we used to spend hours together, just playing and exploring. We had secret nicknames, because I met him when we were just babies and he couldn’t speak at all. We grew up together – nearly every moment he wasn’t in Hyaline, we were together. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love. It was pure, and innocent, and I didn’t realize until he left for Tephra the strength of my emotions. Now? I have my girls and my son, but nothing has given me the joy that racing through the meadow at midnight with my best friend did. So,” she finishes, close to tears but unwilling to let them fall, “you are not alone, my dear friend. And you have nothing, nothing left to prove.”
I don’t want this, Dawn, he whispers, and she swallows hard. I don’t want to do this alone anymore. A weak smile finds her lips as their eyes lock, and she wants to step closer and embrace him – but she doesn’t think he would accept it, not now. He laughs, a surprisingly vulnerable act, and she has to hold her own emotions in check as he draws himself up and proposes something she had not expected at all.
She waits until he finishes before she so much as moves, letting out the breath she hadn’t even realized she was holding. “I accept your offer,” she tells him, breathless and once again finding tears in her eyes unbidden. “I want the East to be strong and I know you will be an excellent king. You’ve fought for it your entire life, after all.” A wan smile is offered before she continues. “Would you still want the seat of power moved to Pangea, or would you prefer making a home here, in the Cove? It seems we have much more ahead of us to discuss.”
@[litotes]