DAWN

i just killed off what was left of the optimist in me

After her brief foray with Caelestra and Vadar upon the beach, Dawn finds her children and collapses into them, sleeping long and deep and without a single trouble – she is with her children and nothing else matters, and her slumber is so deep that it keeps even the lightest of nightmares away.  

The next evening comes all too soon, and reality hits her like a ton of bricks from the moment she opens her eyes. She clambers to her hooves, grunting past the aches in her muscles, and nudges Nolin to nurse. Once he has finished it is little Athena’s turn, and she sighs as the red filly latches on, swinging her nubby tail in lazy circles. She asks Isilme and Austra after Clayton, but they have not seen him, and the worry in her gut begins to grow deeper and deeper. He is supposed to be her co-ruler – he is supposed to be here with her, helping her to rule and navigate the coming stormy seas.  

She’s not too sure that she can – or even wants to – do this alone.

Once the youngest of her brood have finished nursing she turns to leave them, knowing that she has many things to do in the coming days. She has to visit Pangea to talk to Litotes, and Hyaline to speak with Kensa. She’s not too sure that either of them wants anything to do with her, but she has to at least try. The children will be safe with her yearlings – she has to come back later for the four of them, anyways. She will never abandon any of her children, but she knows what she has to do to try and make things right with the other kingdoms.

Her hooves carry her to the shoreline as the sunlight begins to fade, and she can’t help but look for the place where she almost bled out upon the sands. She had bathed in the ocean before returning to her children, but her coat is still stained dark copper as opposed to its natural gold. What she finds instead is the lion-man, and hears his quiet nicker that floats down the beach to greet her. Raising her head and rolling back her shoulders she approaches him, squashing down the mixture of anger and despair that rises in her throat.

“Litotes,” she says quietly, formally, as she comes to a stop before him. She doesn’t want to take her eyes from him but she turns her gaze to the sea and the setting sun, and a few moments pass before she looks back to him. “I know you are not here to apologize, and I won’t ask that of you. What I do ask, however, is if you could possibly forgive me?” She has given him no reason to trust her, she knows... but their relationship has deteriorated so much over the past few years. She had tried to apologize for her predecessors’ sins to no avail, and attacking him in Tephra had been in poor taste.

She knows this now, but she fears that even the biggest apology she could muster is not enough, and she is trying so very hard not to crack under the weight of her own sins.

DAWN

i just killed off what was left of the optimist in me

She had known this was coming, but it still stings.

Her first thought is to give in – she has fought this mental battle for far too long already, and the thoughts of a physical battle at this moment in time exhausts her in ways that she cannot put into words. He would make an excellent king, of that she is sure, but the thought still gives her pause. She has not even had a full season yet herself to make herself into a queen; does he not want to even give her a chance to prove herself to the east first? If she had learned anything at all from her dam, it was that giving up and giving in is never an option.

So she stands a little taller, looking him over with a growing intensity. They are not so different in stature, though she is heavier and more draft-like, and perhaps a few inches taller. He has his abilities – she has hers. She is not terribly confident in her own abilities – her only attempt at fighting had been injuring poor Kensa in Tephra – but she knows that she would be a poor queen indeed if she were to give in so quickly to his demands. She is a lot of things – young, naïve, painfully optimistic – but she is no fool.

“I understand,” she says quietly, brown eyes meeting his yellow-gold. “However, I do not plan to give up my hard work so easily.” With a sigh – their conversation seems full of them – she turns towards the ocean, taking several steps into the shallow waves before coming to a halt. Wistfully, she looks back to her old friend, chuckling humorlessly before continuing. “What a pair we’ve become. We would both lay down our lives for the East, but for completely different reasons. And to think we met right here, on this beach, not so long ago.”

She returns her gaze to the setting sun, knowing that he’ll still be able to hear her. “Shall we negotiate the terms of our battle, then? If I am to win, I have no desire to remove you from your position in Pangea. But” – and she turns to him now, her hooves splashing in the cold water – “could we turn this into a fair fight? If I am to lose, I want to do so honorably – as a horse. I’m afraid we both know that with your new magic, you would terribly outclass me on the battlefield. If it is your wish to battle with it I will not deny you, but I want this to be a fair, honest fight between to noble warriors who only want the best for the East.”

She doesn’t have much hope that he will agree, but the least she can do is try. It seems her days of pacifism are long done, whether she wants them to be or not.

DAWN

i just killed off what was left of the optimist in me

Would it be easier to give in? To just give the man what he wants – control of the East? She knows he is a good man – he will be a good king, and with any hope he will be a just one as well. He is tranquil, standing before her, despite the storm raging in her own mind. He is calm and poised; he knows what he wants and he is here to take it, no matter what it costs them. He has been a good man, to her and to Kensa and the children and all of his allies and friends. Her opinion of him is one that is too complicated to put to words, but she doesn’t hate him – she could never hate him.

He speaks again, and she looks to him with eyes full of concern as his voice breaks over her name. He agrees to her terms easily enough but it is as if she can see something breaking in him – his words are terse but there is no anger there, only a vast emptiness in his eyes that shocks her to her core.

Does he realize? Does he know how it feels to feel so empty? To have spent so much time proving yourself, over and over and over again – for nothing?

The story tumbles from his lips and she smiles, wondering what such a party must have been like for the children of Hyaline. She pictures younger versions of Sunny, of Lie, of Kensa, of Clay, of everyone, laughing and playing and tumbling over the chaos of being too young to understand love but old enough to understand desire. Was it then, before she officially turned her allegiances to Hyaline, that Sunny fell in love with Chryseis? Did Lie and Kensa fall head over heels then, or was it later, when they took the seat of Hyaline together at the bidding of Kagerus and Solace?

She remembers the hundreds of hours that she had spent with Sunny, exploring every inch of Beqanna they could get their hooves on without trespassing into kingdoms or risking the rage of an older, grumpier horse. She wonders how long it has been since she, herself, has felt that carefree.

Way too long.

“Rhaegor and I... we used to spend hours together, just playing and exploring. We had secret nicknames, because I met him when we were just babies and he couldn’t speak at all. We grew up together – nearly every moment he wasn’t in Hyaline, we were together. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love. It was pure, and innocent, and I didn’t realize until he left for Tephra the strength of my emotions. Now? I have my girls and my son, but nothing has given me the joy that racing through the meadow at midnight with my best friend did. So,” she finishes, close to tears but unwilling to let them fall, “you are not alone, my dear friend. And you have nothing, nothing left to prove.”

I don’t want this, Dawn, he whispers, and she swallows hard. I don’t want to do this alone anymore. A weak smile finds her lips as their eyes lock, and she wants to step closer and embrace him – but she doesn’t think he would accept it, not now. He laughs, a surprisingly vulnerable act, and she has to hold her own emotions in check as he draws himself up and proposes something she had not expected at all.

She waits until he finishes before she so much as moves, letting out the breath she hadn’t even realized she was holding. “I accept your offer,” she tells him, breathless and once again finding tears in her eyes unbidden. “I want the East to be strong and I know you will be an excellent king. You’ve fought for it your entire life, after all.” A wan smile is offered before she continues. “Would you still want the seat of power moved to Pangea, or would you prefer making a home here, in the Cove? It seems we have much more ahead of us to discuss.”