Ciri
How could she turn away from him, broken and shattered by her own hand, and leave him there? How could he ever think she was capable of such cruelty? Of course she must go to him despite the cold grip of uncertainty and fear of his rejection. Seeing the tears spill beneath his closed lids, the deep swallow of his tight throat… She suddenly remembers that they are younger than they realize. That they know nothing. He wears a crown and rules a kingdom, she sees the stars and fights monsters… But they are still awkward teenagers trying to figure out how to be adults. How to navigate this life between right and wrong, light and dark. It’s so hard when there’s so much gray matter, so much that can’t be easily explained.
With every second that spreads between them she can feel their love slipping through her fingers like dark grains of sand. An hourglass, losing time. How could this have happened? Why did she feel this way? Why didn't she know what the right answer was? She had always felt older than her years but for the first time she feels small and stupid. There is no right choice here. She could pretend that her heart wasn’t torn, pretend that everything was fine. Swallow her confusion, push it down, and be with him. But was that fair for any of them? Wouldn’t that only destroy them more in the process?
”I’m sorry.” The strangled whisper as he moves away from her, feeling her heart shatter to the floor. The crushing weight of her pain written all over her face. And she was sorry, sorry that she felt this way. She doesn’t want to when it’s so hard. Why can’t this be easier? Why was it wrong to have feelings for two and know that if the roles were reversed, she would probably be just as crushed. Who was right and who was wrong? Or perhaps she deserved to be alone like she had been so long ago. Maybe there had been a reason for that. Maybe she wasn’t meant to be loved or love in return. Maybe there was something wrong with her, something broken inside her that made her incapable of normalcy.
”I’ve never wanted you to be anyone but yourself Amet.” Angry tears lining the red rims of her silver eyes, curling into herself as he pulls further and further away. The mention of Tang is a slap in the face and she merely stares at him in disbelief. The fact that he even mentions her now, in this moment, when he had claimed to feel nothing for her but childhood affections…. Perhaps they had both been lying to themselves this whole time. Or maybe that doubt about him and her had never really gone away. Maybe this was what left her vulnerable to another’s feelings.
She doesn’t want a half hearted blessing. She wants him to understand her. As farfetched as it seems, to perhaps understand her confused feelings. But he never will. She sees this now.
He repeats needing to find the one who hurt her and she says nothing, Having no strength left to plead with him, to cry, to try and explain. She is suddenly overcome with exhaustion and as she looks at him, at the crumbled remains of their relationship, she wonders if things will ever be the same. ”I… I’m going to find Jah-Lilah.” She finally manages, a soft breath of a whisper. And then she turns and walks away. Slowly at first until suddenly she is running. Running through the trees, the hills, to their secret place. Dead and dying, just like them.
And once she reaches it, the wisps of branches and dead curling flowers strewn on the ground, she collapses. And cries. Cries until there’s nothing left and drifts into a fitful dark sleep.
Tomorrow she would leave. But tonight… Tonight she would mourn.
all of time and space, everywhere and anywhere, every star that ever was
@[Amet]