Ciri

Her heart is full.

Full of confusion, twisted between two dragons that threaten to burst it at the seams.

It seems like so much time has passed since she had been at Amet’s side. Since they had made love beneath autumn leaves and a full pregnant moon. Since she had gone to the river and had her unlucky encounter with Thana. Since that night Castile found her.

Despite the old ways that fill her head and the old soul that fills this body… It is a young body and the ways of love and relationships are so new to her, concepts she’s still trying to sort out and understand. Things the stars could never show her, something she has to feel for herself. Was it possible to love two hearts at the same time? Why did she feel so guilty then to care so deeply for both of them if loving two was ok? She knows she needs to find the red wytch. Surely she could help her understand her own thoughts and feelings but her scent is faded. Distant.

Slowly she crosses into the beauty of Hyaline. Winter has not quite grasped the lake yet, the flowers still clinging to life with late blooming. The scent of wisteria, which usually calms her senses, suddenly makes her stomach churn and she wrinkles her nose with revulsion. The sudden change in taste she blames on the painful wound slashed across her face, thinking the tang of copper spoils the normal scent.

She is hesitant to approach him, her King her Heart. However she longs to feel the reassurance of his scales and when her cherished nickname floats on the breeze, she cannot deny him. Slowly she breaks from the shadows, her head held high almost defiantly despite the flash of wariness and uncertainty in the metallic swirls of her eyes. She says nothing, knowing how ugly the ravaged skin across her face must be. Knowing that he will know she was with Castile. Knowing that their beautiful life may be damaged but unwilling to hide her truth.

She loved him. She loved him fiercely, passionately. She loved her golden dragon. It was time to let him know, to let him know her whole heart in all it’s uncertain beauty. She loved him. And she may feel the same for Castile too.

”Akmar.” Trembling words as her chest constricts in panic. However she must be brave.
”We must talk.”

all of time and space, everywhere and anywhere, every star that ever was

Ciri

Instantly it’s already out of control. Amber eyes sweep over her face and harden, then he is at her side. In a matter of seconds he has moved from panic, fear, then unbridled anger. She had always known it must lurk beneath the surface. The most subtle hint of it was unearthed when Kolera had come back to fix the damage she had done to Hyaline. He had a dragon’s soul after all.

She’s not unprepared for the wrath but it still catches her off guard, the way it hotly sweeps across her as his muzzle runs over her body. Searching, possessive, rough. Her own ears sweep back to become hidden beneath tangled ebony forelock, unease clenched in her jaw as she tries to protest. Tries to explain.

”I love you.” He has beaten her to the punch and the world seems to slow around them. Only for a moment as she breathes in shakily. Exhales. As he freezes above her and suddenly she sees the true rawness of his anger. It’s a mixed feeling, to see him so passionate makes her love him more as much as it prickles nervously against her heart. However the accusation makes her blood run cold and instantly she recoils from him, eyes wide and looking at him with shock.

”What? No!” She exclaims, shaking her head fiercely as if to clear the cobwebs of this mess from her head. ”Calm yourself Amet.” She demands sharply, feeling her own anxiety start to get the best of her. Needing to gain some sort of rein over this mess. Hesitantly she moves towards him, her lips finding the warm scales of his neck to press a reassuring kiss. ”Castile did not hurt me. I promise.”

She waits a moment, trying to find her confidence again as she presses her face to his. Breathing him in and wondering if it would be the last time, if he would spurn her for confessing her thoughts. Her feelings. ”I love you. Moon of my life. I love you.” She breathes her confession into his gilded skin, looking up at him and trembling slightly with the weight of her heart. ”You showed me a whole new world I never knew existed. I love you for everything you are. The King you are. The stallion you’ve become.” A pause before she shakily continues.

”Castile found me. I don’t know who attacked me, a strange crazed woman. I got turned around at the River. He found me.” She pauses for they have come to the root of the issue, the root of the weight on her shoulders. ”I think he cares for me Amet….. Like you do.” A quivering moment as she pulls slightly away and gathers all her courage, looking him straight in the eye. ”I think I care for him as well. Like I do for you.” Her confusion swirls in her metallic gaze, pleading for him to understand. That she had not asked for these feelings, that she had not gone looking for them. That she does not understand them fully herself. The silence seems to press in on all sides and the smell of the wisteria flowers begins to make her sick all over. ”Please… Say something Amet.”

all of time and space, everywhere and anywhere, every star that ever was

Ciri

She would rather face the Leshen. Would rather fight a million Sirens. Would rather the Underneath snatch her back then see the blankness on his face as he shuts down in front of her. All the monsters in the world seemed easier than doing this, confessing her truths. Speaking her feelings. Her heart drops as soon as her words register, as soon as she sees his reaction. Like a punch to the gut he moves away from her and her own heart finally rips in two. The price to pay to love a dragon. Dragons. So this is what heartbreak feels like, she thinks. The stars had always been right. One could only see so much, to experience it was something else entirely.

Her muzzle pulls tightly to her chest, feeling the need to protect herself from the huge wound she has caused. Unthinkingly she tries to call for the stars but they don’t come, kept back by the pale rays of the autumn sun. He seems to be talking to himself, she can hear him but the words fail her. She’s unsure what else to say in the wake of his rejection. He mentions Jah-Lilah and she is confused but her stomach fills with ice as he finally voices what she had feared.

He can’t. She knew better then to expect him to understand, to welcome such news with open arms. But the rejection burns and the tears she had promised herself she would not shed spill freely, stinging the exposed flesh of her wounded cheek. His words are clipped, savage with sharp tenacity. She is left spinning with uncertainty, their love and where they stand completely up in the air.

For a moment she almost apologies but then holds her tongue. Whatever dignity she has left, she will keep. She could have lied, could have let the frustration and confusion build until it all ended in regret. But she respected him too much to do that. Just as she respected herself. They were better than that. ”You don’t have to do that.” She whispers softly as he turns away from her, feeling broken and exposed before him.

The same cramping pain returns in her stress, deep within her belly. She winces and bows her head slightly. ”Amet…” She doesn’t know what to say. The memories of him seem to freshly slap her across the face, of all they had experienced together. ”I do love you.” Her voice broken, soft in the wake of not knowing what to do. How to make this better. She had not experienced Castile in the way he probably thought. He did not know her as Amet had. She could not cross that line, not without him knowing. While she may have slipped dangerously close, she knew better.

”Perhaps I should stay with Circy and Jah for awhile.” She finally manages, trembling with her sadness and pain. Stepping away from the wisteria tree that’s making her gag and making the cramping in her belly worse. ”Please…. Don’t ruin your friendship for this. Not for me.” Knowing that it was perhaps a request she shouldn’t ask but she couldn’t stand being the cause of a broken friendship. This was already too painful, too destructive.

all of time and space, everywhere and anywhere, every star that ever was

Ciri

She was prepared for red hot anger. For yelling and screaming and blind rage. Not for this coldness, this heartless way he flippantly throws her words of love back in her face. She is stunned. She knows deep down that he is hurt but she never thought he could be this… Unfeeling. Shutting her out so quickly, driving a wall between them.

The offer to leave is met with no resistance. He basically tells her it doesn’t matter one way or another and it’s like a stake to her already torn heart. She is practically panting with the effort to call her shield down around her against the sun, as if the stars could protect her from the cold iron barbs of his words. ”Then I’ll go.” She finally responds flatly, trying to harden herself  much like he is.

Perhaps time would make this clear. Perhaps time would heal this wound. Or perhaps it was too damaged, too big to fix.

It is only when she tries to make the plea for their friendship that he breaks down before her. She is anguished by his complete meltdown and she hovers between the indecisiveness to reach for him or keep back. In the end she takes the risk, shaking as she moves to his side. To press into his neck, to hold him. To love him. ”But you are!” She cries in despair, searching the scaled lines of his face. ”Of course you’re good enough. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

How she wishes she could show him how she feels. The strangeness of the situation, how it had just happened. That her love for him was real, as real as the tree that threatens to make her sick all over the place. ”I can’t explain it. I don’t know how to explain it.” The words rushed in her desperation to try and make him understand. That it wasn’t him. It wasn’t his fault. ”it just… happened. I don’t know why I feel this way.” Her own tears raw and glistening in the dull reflection of silver, wishing that she didn’t. Wishing things were easier. Wishing this didn't make her feel so awful, physically and emotionally. How she wishes her stomach would settle and she could concentrate better on how to fix this.

But her life had never been simple. She was not a simple mare just as she had not been a simple child.

”Please believe me, akmar. My moon, my love.”

All she can think of is the need to find Jah. To sort out her thoughts. To run away from the chaos she has caused and her own broken heart. But she stays, waiting for the abuse she rightly deserves. Waiting to take his anger, hatred, and sorrow. For this must be what love is, this must be the price to pay.

all of time and space, everywhere and anywhere, every star that ever was

Ciri

How could she turn away from him, broken and shattered by her own hand, and leave him there? How could he ever think she was capable of such cruelty? Of course she must go to him despite the cold grip of uncertainty and fear of his rejection. Seeing the tears spill beneath his closed lids, the deep swallow of his tight throat… She suddenly remembers that they are younger than they realize. That they know nothing. He wears a crown and rules a kingdom, she sees the stars and fights monsters… But they are still awkward teenagers trying to figure out how to be adults. How to navigate this life between right and wrong, light and dark. It’s so hard when there’s so much gray matter, so much that can’t be easily explained.

With every second that spreads between them she can feel their love slipping through her fingers like dark grains of sand. An hourglass, losing time. How could this have happened? Why did she feel this way? Why didn't  she know what the right answer was? She had always felt older than her years but for the first time she feels small and stupid. There is no right choice here. She could pretend that her heart wasn’t torn, pretend that everything was fine. Swallow her confusion, push it down, and be with him. But was that fair for any of them? Wouldn’t that only destroy them more in the process?

”I’m sorry.” The strangled whisper as he moves away from her, feeling her heart shatter to the floor. The crushing weight of her pain written all over her face. And she was sorry, sorry that she felt this way. She doesn’t want to when it’s so hard. Why can’t this be easier? Why was it wrong to have feelings for two and know that if the roles were reversed, she would probably be just as crushed. Who was right and who was wrong? Or perhaps she deserved to be alone like she had been so long ago. Maybe there had been a reason for that. Maybe she wasn’t meant to be loved or love in return. Maybe there was something wrong with her, something broken inside her that made her incapable of normalcy.

”I’ve never wanted you to be anyone but yourself Amet.” Angry tears lining the red rims of her silver eyes, curling into herself as he pulls further and further away. The mention of Tang is a slap in the face and she merely stares at him in disbelief. The fact that he even mentions her now, in this moment, when he had claimed to feel nothing for her but childhood affections…. Perhaps they had both been lying to themselves this whole time. Or maybe that doubt about him and her had never really gone away. Maybe this was what left her vulnerable to another’s feelings.

She doesn’t want a half hearted blessing. She wants him to understand her. As farfetched as it seems, to perhaps understand her confused feelings. But he never will. She sees this now.

He repeats needing to find the one who hurt her and she says nothing, Having no strength left to plead with him, to cry, to try and explain. She is suddenly overcome with exhaustion and as she looks at him, at the crumbled remains of their relationship, she wonders if things will ever be the same. ”I… I’m going to find Jah-Lilah.” She finally manages, a soft breath of a whisper. And then she turns and walks away. Slowly at first until suddenly she is running. Running through the trees, the hills, to their secret place. Dead and dying, just like them.

And once she reaches it, the wisps of branches and dead curling flowers strewn on the ground, she collapses. And cries. Cries until there’s nothing left and drifts into a fitful dark sleep.

Tomorrow she would leave. But tonight… Tonight she would mourn.

all of time and space, everywhere and anywhere, every star that ever was