"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
It's worse, when I think of him. (I'm an it now? Ah, well, I don't need a gender to fuck with you dear.)
Even with Solace wrapped around me and soothing me to sleep, it can get too much. (Sweetheart, how easily you soften under the pressure of my hand around your waist... Like a slut. Easy.)
But she's talked it through with me, she wants to meet him, the father of my son. Some might ask why, but considering the two lives that grow in her stomach - lives that are not there because of my influence - the answer is easy to see. She's trying to be considerate; she's trying to show her love for me. (...)
The border between the river and Hyaline is next to nothing in size, a no-mans-land that I can see across plain as day. This particular summer day is cool and breathy, reminiscent of the winter that's just been shed off Beqanna's precious land; but I do not shiver for the cold. He would know why I'm shivering - or rather, he will.
I go to find him - a dream I once had, sweet turned nightmarish, a golden symbol of what I thought I could have and what left me devastated.
"Rapt?" His name sounds half-real when I call it, a phantom, a ghost, something that died when I shut him and our son out of my life. But Abysm is in my life again - and Solace - there's potential for happiness for all of us.
And after everything... He deserves to at least have the choice of this existence. He deserves the truth.
@[rapt] I kept this in Hyaline since they're about to be going there, hope you don't mind
there is a dream in the space between the hammer and the nail ------ the dream of about-to-be-hit, which is a bad dream ------------ but the nail will take the hit if it gets to sleep inside the wood forever
It's not that he doesn’t dream of her – he does.
The dreams are rarely sweet. When she turned, when she left their son, something severed. \
He would never blame her for leaving him. That is understandable – inevitable, even. He has never pretended to be worthy.
But their son – he’s everything. And she left that. She looked on them with a flat gaze and turned.
Later, she returned, but the meetings were brief, practical. Though he birthed him, he didn’t keep the form, and was unable to feed their son. He didn’t look her in the eye.
He doesn’t expect to see her, much less to hear his name from her lips. If she happened to be in his orbit, or he hers, he thought they might pass like ships in the night.
But no. She says his name.
And it hurts.
It hurts because there’s a muscle memory to her tone, to the way his name sounds when cradled in her lips.
It’s a physical ache, and it slows him. He knows a stronger man than he would walk on, would ignore her.
But ah, when has he ever been strong?
So he slows. Stops. Looks at her.
(But not in the eyes.)
“Kagerus,” he says, then, “what do you want?”
He comes, just as he always had, as he always will. My weak-willed boy, soft at the knees, with eyes that leave you at once powerful and doting. He's so easy to hold - so easy to grasp - so easy to ki--
Kagerus.
I look at him, but not in his eyes. It's hard enough to look over the planes of a body I once knew so intimately. That I'd loved, in some sort of twisted, shallow way. My face screws up. This should be easier. Or at least, I shouldn't have made it so damn hard with my dimwitted vanity. What do you want?
"Our son came to meet me," I offer bluntly, not knowing how to be graceful. "He is gorgeous, just like you." Again, my delivery is questionable. My heart squeezes, knowing that this isn't what Solace had in mind when she told me to find the father of my son, to bring him to her.
But she did ask - and as he is bound to me, so am I to her...
"I was wondering if you would want to meet my wife. Her children. Abysm. A family... Gathering." It sounds lame on my lips, and no matter how hard I try, there's no way to reanimate the corpse of this conversation.
there is a dream in the space between the hammer and the nail ------ the dream of about-to-be-hit, which is a bad dream ------------ but the nail will take the hit if it gets to sleep inside the wood forever
If asked, he’d say yes, of course he wants Abysm to know his mother. It’s for the best, he’d say. A child should knows both their parents, he’d say.
But in a secret, selfish heart, he almost wishes it wasn’t so. That Abysm would have no desire to find his mother, that Rapt would be enough (father, but also mother – birther, life-giver).
It’s a terrible thing to think. He’s happy Abysm found her. He will be happy.
Her voice is tense. He tastes the ashes of bridges burned on his tongue. It’s terrible, to look upon her, to see the aspects of her so perfectly reflected in Abysm.
There is jealousy when she speaks of the other. Of course there is. A shallow intake of breath, teeth grinding against each other. It’s no surprise, but the words still hurt.
He stays as stoic as he can. He could run, he supposes. She was always so quick to run – it could be his turn, now.
And he might – likes to think he would – save for Abysm.
“Fine,” he says, the tone somewhere in the opposite of fine, “I’ll meet them. For Abysm’s sake.”
He pauses, then adds.
“No dreaming. I’ll meet them in the flesh, here. On regular terms.”
05-21-2018, 06:08 PM (This post was last modified: 05-23-2018, 01:13 PM by Kagerus.)
kagerus
and in my dreams, i kissed your lips a thousand times
If I could read his mind, we'd have one more thing in common.
It's not that I don't want a relationship with my son; in fact, I want it more than ever now, powerfully, with a maternal instinct I'd thought did not belong to my demented self.
But I agree that I don't deserve it; that Rapt should be enough. Motherfathergod.
In the same breath, I also know as he does, that we will be happy - one way or another, there's peace on the horizon and he's agreeing to chase that sunset with me. Speaking between clenched teeth, in a tone that I wouldn't have recognized from him before. It almost scares me, to hear him that close to saying no instead of yes; that there should ever come a day where Rapt does not do as he's told would flip my life around.
He is allowed to say no, of course, he deserves to - but I will never be expecting it.
"No dreaming," I agree, trying out a smile and being thankful that it's not totally fake. Awkward, maybe, but not fake; he wants to try. He wants to reach the sunset of peace before its last light flickers below the horizon. "I promise."
Turning, I look back at him, inviting him to come alongside me. For a time, we walk in silence, quickly approaching the looming peaks of Hyaline that are visible from Rapt's nook in the river. Then, I cannot help but to submit to the familiarity I'd forgotten exists between us, speaking up with a hopeful quirk of my lips and perk of my ears. "We haven't spent much time anywhere besides the dreams, hey?" I try a laugh, but it dies; it's too fresh for such light hearted joking, and I leave that thread of conversation hanging there uselessly. We are trying to find peace - not perfection.
As we cross the scentline of Hyaline, still traveling next to the river, it is not long before its crystalline heart unfolds before our very eyes from between mountains. Swallowing hard, I gently whinny for the others, not knowing who will come, but hoping that if they do, they'll be polite.
The last thing Rapt deserves is to be hated for the decision that I'd made so foolishly, all that time ago.
Abysm knows why he sought her out. He needed to know why father wasn’t enough. Why he wasn’t enough. To make her stay with them. Even if it was all only ever in a dream. But he never actually expected to find her so easily. To fall into an easy rhythm of getting to know one another.
Then it should come as no surprise that she’d seek father out. It does though and shock is a big ripple that goes through him disrupting everything that he is and isn’t. Because she brings him here and he has seen her with the queen. Abysm doesn’t fully understand the complexities of love but he thinks it cruel of her to bring his beautiful golden godly father here of all places.
Almost like rubbing his nose in it.
He has his moments - his moods. It’s all part of growing up and he knows this. Same days there is easy camaraderie between them. Other days he is sullen and sulking. Those days he asks himself why he left the pleasant peace of his father’s side. Why trade what was as familiar as the hairs of his skin for the unfamiliar?
Abysm has though.
Knowing there was no going back.
He is chewing grass when her call comes. The whinnying summons goes ignored a moment longer as he thinks there is little to no importance to it. She often calls him or others. Sometimes he answers and sometimes he doesn’t. He’d have kept his head in the grass if it wasn’t for a very familiar scent - motherfathergod.
“DAD!” he squeals happily from afar before running hellbent for leather towards the golden stallion. He forgets that his mother is right there. Happily shoving his nose in the creases of his father’s skin. Abysm couldn’t inhale the scent of him fast enough, letting out happy little snorts. “I never thought you’d come here of all places...”
He backs up to look at both of his parents, suspicion forming in his eyes. “Sorry but why are you here?” Mom must have something to do with this... the colt thinks, tilting his head quizzically at them.
there is a dream in the space between the hammer and the nail ------ the dream of about-to-be-hit, which is a bad dream ------------ but the nail will take the hit if it gets to sleep inside the wood forever
He follows her to a kingdom he doesn’t belong in.
It’s familiar, to follow her. He’s done it so many times before. Followed her into realms and dreams and nightmares, always so damn eager. That eagerness is still there – still a part of him – but it’s no longer aimed towards her.
He doesn’t respond to her joke, lets it die, lets the silence wrap around them, huge and awkward, but he prefers it. He knows his own weakness, feels it, and while he can’t change it – his weakness is something fundamental – he can ignore it. Hide it.
The kingdom is lovely enough – almost like one of the places you dreamed, he thinks – but to him it looks ugly, because he is uncomfortable here, where there is a family and a world that he has no knowledge of, no place within except through a tenuous connection.
But that all changes and falls away when his son appears, charging toward him, nose against shoulder. He forgets the ugliness of his emotions in this moment, touching Abysm’s withers, inhaling the boy’s scent.
“Your mother asked that I meet her family,” he says, then, “I’m glad you’re here.”
Freed of her burden, she drifts on currents of air just to feel the wind on her face. The delicate skin on her pink muzzle is windburnt and tender, but this is nothing when she is weightless among the clouds.
The pale mare dips below the cumulus clouds she had been drifting through, glancing to the unveiled earth below. But the sight of her home does not bring her the glow of pride she had been anticipating.
The sight of themhim causes her hear to sink.
Jealousy is not a common emotion for her, and it had tasted bitter on her tongue when Kagerus first introduced the idea of this meeting, but jealousy is not what she feels now. The thunderous emotion building in her breast is much closer to dread.
Like lead, she lands beside the man who loved her lover first- downhill but close enough to be noticed.
She walks towards them without knowing where to rest her gaze and as wary as a child who is to be scolded. A few strides bring her into speaking range, and she halts with an equal (generous) amount of space between herself, Rapt and Kagerus. If she doubted Kagerus Solace may have nipped along the familiar lines of her neck in greeting, or swung a hip to rest along her own, but her worry does not stem from the fear that she is loosing her beloved. Irrational or not, Solace does not want to make this hesitant man feel uncomfortable.
Or more uncomfortable than he has to be.
"Hey," she says once the father and son's exchange is over, not feeling at all like herself. "I'm Solace," she adds before the silence can grow even more awkward.
But as her cerulean eye lift to search his, she suddenly wonders if he hates her, and whatever words were going to flow off her tongue next scramble in her brain. She hadn't know the father of Kagerus' child was still in the picture when their affair had unexpectedly taken flight, and she doesn't allow herself to think on how things may of turned out if she had. She does knows that if she was him, if he had stolen Kagerus form her, she would hate him, and she would know it with every beat of her broken heart.
"I just wanted... I hope you, I mean, I'm glad you made it."
and in my dreams, i kissed your lips a thousand times
He follows silently, immune to my charm as I attempt to warm him to this idea - but who can blame him? The fire of hell couldn't change the icy frigidity of this awkward encounter. Still, my heart squeezes to be ignored, and not for the first time, I wish that I was less of an emotional creature.
A tuft of gold and white appears on the horizon, and I want to breathe a sigh of relief except for Abysm's presence, but instead, my chest only tightens further. With a squeal, the growing boy races towards us, intent on reuniting with his father. I ignore the way my stomach flips to see them pressed together like that, so intimately, and instead I consider how perfectly alike the gold of their coats is. How stunning, that he be the perfect combination of us both.
When he finally acknowledges my presence, it is with suspicion and none of the warmth he'd shown his father. I sport only a gentle smile, not allowing the truth of my emotions to show through the mask I wear; for my expression would be virulent and wild had I not contained it. Thankful for once to have Rapt nearby, I look to him as he offers an answer to our son's question. It's not an easy answer, but at least it ought to appease our dreamer son.
"And I'd love for you to meet them too, Abysm," I offer with a genuine warmth, head swinging to find his little body again - though he shan't be little for long. Just as these words are spoken, the glint of her gorgeously blue wings catches my gaze, and it's as if all the tension floods from within me.
That is, until I hear what she has to say.
Almost wanting to laugh at how ludicrous my painted lover sounds spewing the stupidly informal word hey, I manage to maintain my composure and to recognize that right now is not the time to be laughing HOLY SHIT GET IT TOGETHER MAN. Swallowing down the smile that threatened to turn into hysteria at the bat-shit-craziness of this situation, I dip my head with a warmth in my eyes to Solace. It's not our usual public display of affection, the kiss and nuzzle that we almost always exchange in front of anyone and everyone upon greeting each other - but for the first time, this distance feels even more comfortable than each other's embrace.
But god, maybe I should go over there and shut her up -- I mean, wrap her up, in my embrace. Swallowing again as my lips twitch and threaten to betray my careful composure, I take up where she left off, knowing that any silence would result in the continuation of her reckless babbles.
I love you So, but sometimes... Ah, well. You are ten years my younger. I love you, and that's all.
"Of course not," I offer, finally allowing that smile to burst through my mask. Even though it might pain them, there's no way I could ever address my queenly lover without a smile. Taking a step so that we are making sort of a + with our bodies - equal distance between everyone, but everyone connected nevertheless - I look to Abysm and to Rapt.
"This is my mate, Solace, who has recently given birth to twins. Valdis and Clegane have a different father as well - but they're too young to be cavorting about. Abysm, I'm sure you've met them." There'd been days while I was watching the twins when my golden son had graced us with his sometimes jovial, sometimes sour moods; but during the latter, he was more wont to trundle off. Teenagers, especially abandoned-at-birth ones, have an allowance for these kinds of offenses.
Inhaling and exhaling as a feeling of groundedness comes over me, I try out another smile, for all of their benefits. "If any of you have any questions - I don't want to keep any secrets, any more."
there is a dream in the space between the hammer and the nail ------ the dream of about-to-be-hit, which is a bad dream ------------ but the nail will take the hit if it gets to sleep inside the wood forever
The woman – her wife – the queen – comes to them from the air, and Rapt notices her as Abysm moves away. He feels the weight of her gaze, the same judgement he casts on her, like animals circling one another – except he has no wont for what she has. Yet here he is, an outsider, in a kingdom where he pledges no loyalty.
“I’m Rapt,” he says, and nods his head to her. She’s awkward too, stumbling over her words, and there is a mean streak of gladness in his heart. He doesn’t wish them ill – either of them – not consciously, but he wants to be gone from here, he wants to be in a world where it’s just him and his son, where there’s no strange and unfamiliar territory to conquer, like what do you do when you meet your ex-lover’s wife? What do you do when you share a child, but he feels wholly yours, when she turned on her heel and ran?
(He wonders how Kagerus told that story, to her wife. If it mattered.)
Solace is welcomed toward Kagerus, the easy familiarity between them. Kagerus speaks for her, telling him – them – of her own children.
“Congratulations,” he tells Solace, “I’m sure twins are a handful.”
The whole air is still awkward, and then Kagerus speaks again, asking for questions, like this is some surreal seminar. There are a few replies to her words that he swallows back – he isn’t cruel - so he goes with silence, instead.
![[Image: kag]](https://78.media.tumblr.com/2e8039018ce4dff6112c167ec23e886a/tumblr_p72zjit7wC1s5a0qvo1_100.png)
