It's worse, when I think of him.
(I'm an it now? Ah, well, I don't need a gender to fuck with you dear.)
Even with Solace wrapped around me and soothing me to sleep, it can get too much.
(Sweetheart, how easily you soften under the pressure of my hand around your waist... Like a slut. Easy.)
But she's talked it through with me, she wants to meet him, the father of my son. Some might ask why, but considering the two lives that grow in her stomach - lives that are not there because of my influence - the answer is easy to see. She's trying to be considerate; she's trying to show her love for me.
(...)

The border between the river and Hyaline is next to nothing in size, a no-mans-land that I can see across plain as day. This particular summer day is cool and breathy, reminiscent of the winter that's just been shed off Beqanna's precious land; but I do not shiver for the cold. He would know why I'm shivering - or rather, he will.

I go to find him - a dream I once had, sweet turned nightmarish, a golden symbol of what I thought I could have and what left me devastated.

"Rapt?" His name sounds half-real when I call it, a phantom, a ghost, something that died when I shut him and our son out of my life. But Abysm is in my life again - and Solace - there's potential for happiness for all of us.

And after everything... He deserves to at least have the choice of this existence. He deserves the truth.

He comes, just as he always had, as he always will. My weak-willed boy, soft at the knees, with eyes that leave you at once powerful and doting. He's so easy to hold - so easy to grasp - so easy to ki--

Kagerus.
I look at him, but not in his eyes. It's hard enough to look over the planes of a body I once knew so intimately. That I'd loved, in some sort of twisted, shallow way. My face screws up. This should be easier. Or at least, I shouldn't have made it so damn hard with my dimwitted vanity.
What do you want?

"Our son came to meet me," I offer bluntly, not knowing how to be graceful.
"He is gorgeous, just like you." Again, my delivery is questionable. My heart squeezes, knowing that this isn't what Solace had in mind when she told me to find the father of my son, to bring him to her.
But she did ask - and as he is bound to me, so am I to her...

"I was wondering if you would want to meet my wife. Her children. Abysm. A family... Gathering." It sounds lame on my lips, and no matter how hard I try, there's no way to reanimate the corpse of this conversation.

"I'm sorry..."

If I could read his mind, we'd have one more thing in common.
It's not that I don't want a relationship with my son; in fact, I want it more than ever now, powerfully, with a maternal instinct I'd thought did not belong to my demented self.
But I agree that I don't deserve it; that Rapt should be enough. Motherfathergod.

In the same breath, I also know as he does, that we will be happy - one way or another, there's peace on the horizon and he's agreeing to chase that sunset with me. Speaking between clenched teeth, in a tone that I wouldn't have recognized from him before. It almost scares me, to hear him that close to saying no instead of yes; that there should ever come a day where Rapt does not do as he's told would flip my life around.

He is allowed to say no, of course, he deserves to - but I will never be expecting it.

"No dreaming," I agree, trying out a smile and being thankful that it's not totally fake. Awkward, maybe, but not fake; he wants to try. He wants to reach the sunset of peace before its last light flickers below the horizon. "I promise."

Turning, I look back at him, inviting him to come alongside me. For a time, we walk in silence, quickly approaching the looming peaks of Hyaline that are visible from Rapt's nook in the river. Then, I cannot help but to submit to the familiarity I'd forgotten exists between us, speaking up with a hopeful quirk of my lips and perk of my ears. "We haven't spent much time anywhere besides the dreams, hey?" I try a laugh, but it dies; it's too fresh for such light hearted joking, and I leave that thread of conversation hanging there uselessly. We are trying to find peace - not perfection.

As we cross the scentline of Hyaline, still traveling next to the river, it is not long before its crystalline heart unfolds before our very eyes from between mountains. Swallowing hard, I gently whinny for the others, not knowing who will come, but hoping that if they do, they'll be polite.

The last thing Rapt deserves is to be hated for the decision that I'd made so foolishly, all that time ago.

He follows silently, immune to my charm as I attempt to warm him to this idea - but who can blame him? The fire of hell couldn't change the icy frigidity of this awkward encounter. Still, my heart squeezes to be ignored, and not for the first time, I wish that I was less of an emotional creature.

A tuft of gold and white appears on the horizon, and I want to breathe a sigh of relief except for Abysm's presence, but instead, my chest only tightens further. With a squeal, the growing boy races towards us, intent on reuniting with his father. I ignore the way my stomach flips to see them pressed together like that, so intimately, and instead I consider how perfectly alike the gold of their coats is. How stunning, that he be the perfect combination of us both.

When he finally acknowledges my presence, it is with suspicion and none of the warmth he'd shown his father. I sport only a gentle smile, not allowing the truth of my emotions to show through the mask I wear; for my expression would be virulent and wild had I not contained it. Thankful for once to have Rapt nearby, I look to him as he offers an answer to our son's question. It's not an easy answer, but at least it ought to appease our dreamer son.

"And I'd love for you to meet them too, Abysm," I offer with a genuine warmth, head swinging to find his little body again - though he shan't be little for long. Just as these words are spoken, the glint of her gorgeously blue wings catches my gaze, and it's as if all the tension floods from within me.

That is, until I hear what she has to say.

Almost wanting to laugh at how ludicrous my painted lover sounds spewing the stupidly informal word hey, I manage to maintain my composure and to recognize that right now is not the time to be laughing HOLY SHIT GET IT TOGETHER MAN. Swallowing down the smile that threatened to turn into hysteria at the bat-shit-craziness of this situation, I dip my head with a warmth in my eyes to Solace. It's not our usual public display of affection, the kiss and nuzzle that we almost always exchange in front of anyone and everyone upon greeting each other - but for the first time, this distance feels even more comfortable than each other's embrace.

But god, maybe I should go over there and shut her up -- I mean, wrap her up, in my embrace. Swallowing again as my lips twitch and threaten to betray my careful composure, I take up where she left off, knowing that any silence would result in the continuation of her reckless babbles.

I love you So, but sometimes... Ah, well. You are ten years my younger. I love you, and that's all.

"Of course not," I offer, finally allowing that smile to burst through my mask. Even though it might pain them, there's no way I could ever address my queenly lover without a smile. Taking a step so that we are making sort of a + with our bodies - equal distance between everyone, but everyone connected nevertheless - I look to Abysm and to Rapt.

"This is my mate, Solace, who has recently given birth to twins. Valdis and Clegane have a different father as well - but they're too young to be cavorting about. Abysm, I'm sure you've met them." There'd been days while I was watching the twins when my golden son had graced us with his sometimes jovial, sometimes sour moods; but during the latter, he was more wont to trundle off. Teenagers, especially abandoned-at-birth ones, have an allowance for these kinds of offenses.

Inhaling and exhaling as a feeling of groundedness comes over me, I try out another smile, for all of their benefits. "If any of you have any questions - I don't want to keep any secrets, any more."