"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
I had been otherwise involved since the birth of the girls. Ryss had taken my attention more than once and Tycho of course. And I have been busy mentally keeping any eye on the tiny little baby growing in Ryss's womb. Or watching the girls so Drow and Zur could have a moment of peace...no, I just really liked watching them play. I would give Halo the ability to purr like a kitten if I could. She is always rubbing against me and smiling and in general just ready to get into some mischief.
Which I might always be up for.
I had taken the girls on trips like I had taken Tycho. We went to the Moon and we traveled galaxies. I kept a close eye on my kitten. If anyone were to fall into the Sun, it would have been her. I don't take them far when we travel through space. I wouldn't want to disturb anything, and it takes more out of me than it used to. Before Quark and I magicked them into existence. I would never complain, but I could still feel the itching of that darkness beneath my skin. I could hear its whispers at night when I was curled against Ryss and she was asleep. I would lay there, fighting it as I kept my eyes on the two forms I love more than anything.
They would never know how many times they have saved me from the Darkness. It is a breathing thing? No, but it was there. It was alive. And it was much more persistent than the Light. Balance was needed. I was holding onto too much. A life for a life and I would have to figure out a way to make this happen before too much more time passed. Three beings would have to die....I just needed to find the right three. Perhaps it was time for a visit to the Beach.
But Drow has patiently been waiting for me. So I slip from Halo's side, where I had been laying with the girls. They had wanted a story and so I had settled in next to them to tell them a story about Vikings and their ships and feuds. Halo was practically laying on me, so when I got up she shifted back into the cuddle pile of her sisters and I can only smile. I touch them all, but I linger on my kitten a little longer before going to find Drow. There was something he had been wanting to talk to me about for a while now.
So when I find him. It's no surprise that Zur is there and he smiles, touching my shoulder before going the way I had come to his three girls. We took turns watching over them when they were asleep, mostly, I think, because it was just peaceful to watch them. It was refreshing to watch those bundles of fur and legs sleep and dream. I nod slightly, turning to watch Zur leave before I turn back to the massive stallion before me. It always mused me thinking of other things.....No...now is not the time.
I would have expected quiet moments with Zur to be hard to come by, with three young daughters happily devouring our attention and stealing our hearts. But ours aren’t the only hearts they’ve stolen, and we have no shortage of eager and willing babysitters. Well, and the one not so eager, but still willing. It’s good for Tycho to be grounded in family, to be wrapped up in love at every opportunity, to know what it is to be close, because the people who love him won’t stand for anything but.
Oh, not that we push him. Never that. But a family that loved less ferociously would let him withdraw in that quiet way of his, let him isolate himself entirely because it is easier and more comfortable and less demanding of emotion and vulnerability when those are things that do not come naturally to him. In the less than two years that we have been back here, I’ve watched my nephew grow from a brilliant reclusive boy who barely abides physical contact, into a young man who loves each one of us in his unique way.
God, I love that kid.
Shouldn’t call him a kid anymore, really. He’s at that age, one I know far too well, where tension simmers just below the surface. Where the weight of expectation, of who he feels he should be, of who he wishes he could be, frustration and hormones and needing to live up to--maybe I’m just projecting a little too much of myself onto him, but I remember the turmoil of those years, struggling through the transition from boy to man. And I’ve seen glimpses of that in his eyes lately. Maybe I should have a talk with him. Just to check in. Let him know I’m here for him just like I’m here for Dara and her three gorgeous new siblings.
I lean against my Zur, resting my head against his neck, revelling in the feel of his mane against my face, of the smooth expanse of his neck against my cheek. So lucky, I’m so fucking lucky, and sometimes I can hardly breathe for how much I love. Him. Them. All of them. I fought so hard against coming back here, dug in my heels and resisted, and I still don’t quite know what made me come back. But I am so glad I did. I have never, not in my entire life, been happier than I am now.
I can tell Zur wants to get back to the girls, and I can’t blame him. They’re everything. So I press a kiss to his shoulder and then turn the gesture into a gentle nudge. I’m not ready quite yet, and the quiet sound of approaching footsteps suggests there’s a reason for me to stay. I’ve been wanting a moment alone with Pazuzu since the triplets’ birth, and here he is.
We both watch Zur walk away, and my eyes linger on my mate’s ass as they are wont to do any time he departs. Mmh. Quiet cuddles in the moonlight are great and all, but next time I get him alone…Zur disappears into the forest eventually, and I feel like he must have walked slowly on purpose just to give me a little longer to ogle him. Good man, my Zur.
Once he’s gone, I manage to tear my eyes away, turning to look at Pazuzu as he does the same, and I grin at the smirk on his face. “I suppose I did.” My voice is just a little husky, lingering notes of the fire Zur stirred in my belly and an answer to the look in his eyes. I let the moment draw out, let it hover in the air for a couple of heartbeats before closing the distance between our bodies and pulling him into my embrace and hugging the everliving hell out of him. “Thank you. So fucking much, Zu. I don’t have words that could even come close to saying it, but what you did? Those girls are everything, they are the most amazing gift, and I am so goddamn grateful.”
I smirk as his voice comes out husky with lust. I knew that emotion. Ryss brought it out all the time in me, barely controlled urges that wanted blood and sex and pain. It was rarely sweet with us, always lightning strikes and so much passion it lingered on the air for days. I was always careful to wall ourselves off now, so many littles roaming the place that it wasn't something I felt like teaching them so young. Their daddies could do that.
I feel the blood burn a little hotter in my veins as I think of Ryss in that way and clear my throat, because then the damn giant in front of me is pulling me into a hug. I stand there awkwardly for a moment before squeezing him lightly in response. I might possibly feel my heart soften into a little gooey glob as he thanks me. And the hug is still going on....
Talk about a little bit awkward. Thoughts of lust making my blood boil and here my brother-in-law is hugging me just a little bit longer than normal. I shrink, sliding from his grasp and stepping back and away before growing back to my normal size. "If I didn't put them in bodies they would still be bugging me mentally. Better this way." I pretend to feign disinterest but we both know I love those girls dearly.
I smile then. "Seriously though? It was my pleasure to bring those little balls of fluff and light into being with your mom. Greatest thing I have ever done." And I sigh, before a smirk crosses me lips. "A son though...next time you should have a brood of boys to even out all the female hormones going around this place." While I didn't necessarily know that he had some kind of fear? against little boys, I wondered why they had all girls. They could have been anything, but all girls. Well, because they wanted to be girls and Dara had persistently asked for sisters...but details.
I look at the scars on his body from fights long ago and await his reaction, wondering if his messed up childhood was why boys seemed a little scarier to him.
I hold on just a little too long, just a little too tight, and don’t I always with the people I love? Still, he tolerates it longer than I expected, even hugging me back a little before making an unnecessarily complicated and highly entertaining evasive maneuver. I snort, smirking as he returns to normal and pretends what he did wasn’t the most amazing thing ever.
Just for a moment, anyhow.
Then he smiles, genuine and bright and honest, and I couldn’t agree more. I open my mouth to say as much, but the words fall away when he goes on to suggest next time I should it should be a boy. A son. My stomach clenches and I look away, the smile faltering and dying on my lips. I should say something, but all I can do is shake my head in denial.
My chest feels tight, bound up in shadows and moonlight, and I shrug to shake off the sensation. “Nah,” I answer, trying for light-hearted and failing. “Girls are easier. I’m good at girls. Always have been.” I paint a smirk on my face, though it falls a little flat. “Which seems ironic given my taste in partners.”
I sigh, glancing over to find black eyes watching me, eying the scars still littering my body, and the silent insight pulls a sad little laugh out of me. I nod, looking away, looking anywhere but at him. “Yeah. I was kind of a self-destructive wreck. You think the scars are bad now, you should’ve seen ‘em before Mom put years in on ‘em. It’s...I don’t know, it’s not just that. Though that’s part of it. The thought of my--” I can’t even say the word. “...my kid, going through anything like I did, yeah, that’s a fucking nightmare. Definitely plays a part. I’m scared enough about the girls, what they’re going to go through growing up, especially that age.”
God, Dara’s right around that age, and I’ve done my best to keep her safe, make damn sure she knows she’s the whole fucking world to me, make sure she knows that I love her and will always love her no matter what happens. No matter fucking what. Okay, probably to the extent that I almost suffocate her with it sometimes, and that’s not fair to her either, but at least she will never, ever doubt that she is loved and wanted and matters to me more than my own life.
Another sigh, another glance into black eyes that see too much. “I came so close to killing myself so many times, pushing too far, threw myself into fights just a little too reckless, just a little too stacked against me. Because I wanted to hurt. Needed to hurt. I worshipped my mom, she was everything to me when I was little--not…” I pause, glancing back toward the pile of girls where Mom was no doubt cuddled up by now. “I mean, I loved her too, but that first six months it was just me and my twin and...Nocturnal.”
I barely manage not to flinch, still stumble just a little over her name. Not because remembering hurts, exactly. I loved her so damn much, still do even now, even when she’s been gone most of my life, even though she was gone more than she was around even when she was alive. Her name is still something sacred, something holy, and even after all these years it’s still supercharged with all that turmoil.
Guess I’m not that great at laying things to rest after all.
“I don’t know. I got really fucked up, for a long damn time. Zur helped drag me out of that. Dröm...half helped drag me out of it and half tried to make both of us drown in it. Dara...God, I would’ve done anything for that girl. Still would. Including putting all that shit behind me, giving up doing stupid shit like fighting a goddamn tiger just to prove I didn’t need my mom to save me, didn’t need her to think I was good enough, didn’t need her to believe it for me to actually have any kind of worth. And...and all of that was on me. Because she did love me. She was just..she was pretty messed up herself, drowning in it by the time I was a year old, and it pulled her under and shattered everyone who ever loved her.
“There’s a whole lot of her in me. I hated that for a long time. There’s...there’s also a hell of a lot of Mom, and bits that are uniquely mine, and that’s great. But. I don’t now. I can do girls. Don’t hurt the girl, kill anything that fucking tries to hurt the girl, protect the girl, I can fucking do that, it’s been my whole life. But for as much time as I’ve spent putting myself back together, and pretending I don’t still have a million scars beneath the surface now that they’ve faded from my skin...I don’t trust myself enough to be on the other end of that kind of turbulent a relationship without fucking it all up.”
That’s not it, not exactly. “Or. I don’t know, that was true once. Now...I don’t know anymore, Pazuzu. It’s just...it’s a hell of a lot, you know? It’s just a gut thing, just this sick twisting of my insides until I can hardly breathe. It’s funny, because look at Tycho. I couldn’t love him more if he was mine. Because he is mine, the way you and Ryss are, the way Mom is, the way Zur is. Mine by choice, by love. I’d corner him for a talk, man to man, and not blink twice, not get tangled up inside and--same with my girls, it’s always been so easy with Dara, even raising her alone for most of her life. You hand over three more girls at once and I could not be happier. You say the word son, and--”
Jaws clenched, I shudder, shaking my head. “I can’t. I just...I can’t. Is that terrible?” I think I hate myself just a little for still being so damn...ugh, whatever the hell this is, even after all these years. But when I’m all out of words, I finally meet his gaze again.
