12-07-2020, 02:03 AM
one lives in hope of becoming a memory
I didn’t normally think the world was so big and scary, which is probably why I had wandered away in the first place. I mean, I had wandered off plenty of times before, and I was always able to make my way back to mother. Today, however, the world had shown me just how big and scary it could really be in this unfamiliar land with the massive trees that tower over everything. It left me feeling weak in the knees, even now that someone had found me, and that someone had been exactly who I meant to see in the first place.
Normally, I wouldn’t have been intimidated by his size, either. Instead, I would have been intimidated by the socializing aspect of the encounter, unsure of how to act. However, the world had shown me that it is indeed big and scary. So, of course, now I have to deal with both. I mean, it helped a tiny bit to talk, but still, after that, when I could only stand there staring at him like a deer in headlights, I start to worry that he might think I’m daft. I feel myself getting hot in the face.
And then he laughs. The sound startles me at first, and I flinch, a loud gasp forcing its way through my lips. But then I recognize the sound as laughter, and it gives me pause. For a brief second, I’m not sure of what to do, but then I smile, a soft, shy smile, but a smile nonetheless. It helps that he is so vibrant and…alive. Still, it’s hard for me to laugh when I feel so confused and afraid.
Yes, here he is, and I’m still not sure how to feel about that. As he moves in slightly closer, I shift my gaze even further upward. Again, I am struck by just how big he is. Something deep within me whispers: all the better to protect you. And suddenly, I feel slightly more comfortable. Still, the idea that this is him, my father and the stallion who broke mother’s heart, leaves me feeling breathless and unsure of myself.
It almost feels like an out of body experience, because suddenly I feel as if I am seeing me seeing him through his eyes. A very confused look spreads across my face for a moment, because it almost felt like those moments when I was seeing my mother’s emotional memories.
Then he speaks again, and I can’t help thinking, no need to be afraid?! Well, there’s plenty to be afraid of. It’s not that I thought he would physically harm me or anything like that. No, I had seen enough of mother’s emotional memories to know that he was a kind and gentle soul, and even now, I could see the love reflected from his emotional memories–a skill I had not yet learned to block out. It’s more that I am afraid of making a fool out of myself, kind of exactly like I’m doing now. And though I knew he wouldn’t harm me, he could hurt me, and I am afraid of that, too. He could break my heart like he had done to mother. He could disappear on me. He could choose his other family over me.
Even still, mother had once told me that fear was no reason not to do something, and sometimes the best reason to do it. Of course, she had also reminded me that danger is a reason not to do something (which is probably why I shouldn’t have wandered away from her in the first place). So I shift my weight to try appearing tall and strong, despite still feeling slightly weak in the knees, and I give him a determined look. I would give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. After all, I’m already here, aren’t I?
I gently lift my face close to his, brushing the whiskers beneath his chin with my nostrils, a feature I share with him. I lift my face still higher, sniffing his nose. I can see that he is the same color I am, and has the same color mane as me, with the same cloven hooves. I knew I looked like him, I could see it in my mother’s memories sometimes when she’d look upon me, but it was different to see it in person.
When he asks if I would like him to show me the way back, I shake my head. “No…” I hesitate, worried what he might think or say, “I want to be with you.” Suddenly, I feel like this sounds stupid, and once again, I feel my face growing flush.
Normally, I wouldn’t have been intimidated by his size, either. Instead, I would have been intimidated by the socializing aspect of the encounter, unsure of how to act. However, the world had shown me that it is indeed big and scary. So, of course, now I have to deal with both. I mean, it helped a tiny bit to talk, but still, after that, when I could only stand there staring at him like a deer in headlights, I start to worry that he might think I’m daft. I feel myself getting hot in the face.
And then he laughs. The sound startles me at first, and I flinch, a loud gasp forcing its way through my lips. But then I recognize the sound as laughter, and it gives me pause. For a brief second, I’m not sure of what to do, but then I smile, a soft, shy smile, but a smile nonetheless. It helps that he is so vibrant and…alive. Still, it’s hard for me to laugh when I feel so confused and afraid.
Yes, here he is, and I’m still not sure how to feel about that. As he moves in slightly closer, I shift my gaze even further upward. Again, I am struck by just how big he is. Something deep within me whispers: all the better to protect you. And suddenly, I feel slightly more comfortable. Still, the idea that this is him, my father and the stallion who broke mother’s heart, leaves me feeling breathless and unsure of myself.
It almost feels like an out of body experience, because suddenly I feel as if I am seeing me seeing him through his eyes. A very confused look spreads across my face for a moment, because it almost felt like those moments when I was seeing my mother’s emotional memories.
Then he speaks again, and I can’t help thinking, no need to be afraid?! Well, there’s plenty to be afraid of. It’s not that I thought he would physically harm me or anything like that. No, I had seen enough of mother’s emotional memories to know that he was a kind and gentle soul, and even now, I could see the love reflected from his emotional memories–a skill I had not yet learned to block out. It’s more that I am afraid of making a fool out of myself, kind of exactly like I’m doing now. And though I knew he wouldn’t harm me, he could hurt me, and I am afraid of that, too. He could break my heart like he had done to mother. He could disappear on me. He could choose his other family over me.
Even still, mother had once told me that fear was no reason not to do something, and sometimes the best reason to do it. Of course, she had also reminded me that danger is a reason not to do something (which is probably why I shouldn’t have wandered away from her in the first place). So I shift my weight to try appearing tall and strong, despite still feeling slightly weak in the knees, and I give him a determined look. I would give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. After all, I’m already here, aren’t I?
I gently lift my face close to his, brushing the whiskers beneath his chin with my nostrils, a feature I share with him. I lift my face still higher, sniffing his nose. I can see that he is the same color I am, and has the same color mane as me, with the same cloven hooves. I knew I looked like him, I could see it in my mother’s memories sometimes when she’d look upon me, but it was different to see it in person.
When he asks if I would like him to show me the way back, I shake my head. “No…” I hesitate, worried what he might think or say, “I want to be with you.” Suddenly, I feel like this sounds stupid, and once again, I feel my face growing flush.
memorie
@[Yanhua]