"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
— I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night —
Agetta remembers standing in a frozen river, talking to a stranger about how to forgive herself for her mistakes. This is certainly one. Although the child growing inside of her was created out of strife, even though she had fought and lost against the dark god, she only blames herself. Blaming him feels too easy - and it is not an easy thing to break years and years of practiced guilt.
So she does what she can to live with it, to wish on every star that there are no more challenges for her. She's so tired and rest is far overdue. More than what sleep can ever give her.
She drifts to the river now, remembering a time a few years ago when she had stood in the freezing water and talked about forgiveness and death.
There was no dried blood on her from a healed broken neck this time, no pointless attempts at death. Although shapeshifting is a little awkward while she is pregnant, she’s pulled on the comfort of her snow leopard form and is resting in the snow - her dark blue eyes staring out at the ocean where the river mingles with it, watching the horizon disappear with the sun.
No thoughts swarm through her mind which is a relief. She'll take whatever moments of peace her mind will give her.
11-21-2020, 02:10 PM (This post was last modified: 11-22-2020, 08:53 AM by lilliana.)
Lilliana leaves little Reave with new-mother Amarine and asks the bejeweled mare to listen for her twins that sleep in a nearby grove. Just in case they wake. Please, she says, as she always has, as she always will.
And then, because her mind is as fractured as her heart with grief, she goes.
She does something that she hasn't done in years. She runs. Lilli finds one of the many trails that take her out of Taiga and she flies. Her hooves hit the frozen ground at a breakneck pace (because there is no fighters heart beating her chest and she can never bring herself to intentionally harm another so all her anger hits the Earth instead; because she knows that death wouldn't come so easily as breaking that pretty neck of hers). If horses are traveling this way, they know to keep out of the way of the mad galloping woman.
(If she were in the right frame of mind, she would have wondered what they thought of her, if they had paid her any mind at all. What did they make of the maddash runner? Did they wonder if she was running away or towards something? Did she run to remember or to forget?)
Lilliana, who had been praised as fleetest and swiftest girl of her generation (and some of the generations before, because none had come after the loss of Paraiso and the fall of Culloden), reaches for the wind in her stride again. She beats against the ground harder and harder - something that echoes her racing (aching) heart - as the mighty trees of Taiga fade into the shadows, as she takes the old trail towards once-beloved Hyaline and then flees from it, as she bolts through the Forest and then forcefully into nature where the River averts her path south.
When the horizon is blazing bright with a sunset as Lilliana is burning with her grief and anger, she finally crashes. The Taigan shatters against the shoreline when she realizes where is. This is where she had brought Aela into the world. And the thought of her lost flaxen-haired daughter makes her think of a little blonde boy in Taiga - orphaned - and it seems like a cruel reminder from her Gods. That like Aela, Brazen was someone else she was bound to lose.
Dusk bleeds into the dark. The slender chestnut with a jagged flame on her shoulder stands silently. The thought of even moving is exhausting and so she stands, staring out across the moonlit sheen on the ocean waves imagining what it must be like to drown. So absorbed in her thoughts, Lilliana doesn't notice the pale shape cradled in the snow and shadows.
A glow comes soft, at first. Where it comes from is unknown until a little ball of light comes hovering down, floating tentatively above his companion. Leonidas shines blue-silver above her and asks: Did you know that even stars die?
Remember when our songs were just like prayers
Like gospel hymns that you caught in the air?
— I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night —
From her vantage point, it was difficult not to miss the mare that comes to stand nearby. Not only does the crimson coat stand out against the snow but Agetta is also lower to the ground, making the stranger seem larger. She notes, in the dimming light, the golden flame marking and can almost feel the shooting star on her face tingle though it is hidden in this form.
But then, gold markings are not rare - are they? It does not necessarily mean this is someone else marked by a time spent in the deserts, witnessing as a stallion Agetta grew to love murdered his mother and then tore out his own eyes.
She considers just leaving the stranger be. Of letting them both stew in their own thoughts as she was sitting with her own. Her thick, furred tail swishes in the snow, leaving a trail, as she tries to decide whether she wants conversation (and if she wants to take the chance that the other mare will want some too).
But then the ball of light descents and hovers around, and Agetta is fascinated enough by the pair to break her silence.
“A lot on your mind?” The snow leopard asks, not rising from her sphinx position in the snow but turning her head to regard the chestnut mare with the glowing light hovering nearby. In the dimming light, she fancied the silvery light coming from it almost even made it look like a star.
12-02-2020, 09:23 PM (This post was last modified: 12-02-2020, 09:52 PM by lilliana.)
She doesn't know if he is joking at first.
Leonidas can hear her thoughts - can feel her memories - and so while he remarks about the deaths of stars and the ending of galaxies, the chestnut mare isn't sure about the perspective he presents. The glowing orb hovers above her, speaking about something she had always considered infinitesimal simply... ending. It's enough to distract her from the crashing lull of the coast.
It's enough to make her forget (albeit briefly) the waves churning in her chest; the ocean of emotion that could very easily swallow her whole.
The star, however, can't help it. He is what he is. Leonidas knows that in this reincarnation, he is meant to shine. He is meant to be the thing that breaks that the dark, that tempers the night so it cannot be everything. Leonidas and his brothers and his sisters can't be everywhere but they try. They try to find the things - the souls - that light up as stars do ('How many wishes has she made?' He thinks of the snowy shape lingering nearby).
Agetta doesn't glow but there is something about her that attracts Leonidas' attention. He twirls and moves away from his bonded, floats down to the leopard. The star remains just close enough that Lilliana can still hear his thoughts, which come quicker and quicker the closer he gets to the alluring feline. (He says things like: 'Did you know I was a lion in a past life?' - 'I still long for the taste of gazelle.' and 'There is no place as vast as savannah. It's another kind of sea.')
Lilliana's muted gaze follows Leonidas in the shadows until she finds the source of his excitement. A predator who asks, "A lot on your mind?"
Her expression is shocked as her copper brow flies up and her blue eyes widen. She shouldn't be surprised; far wilder things have happened in Beqanna (and perhaps this will become another version of her normal, Lilliana will have conversations in the dark with stars and leopards and imagine slipping beneath the waves). Her reply slips from her dark mouth before she gives her propriety a chance to catch it. "I was wondering if the tides might help with me a change of direction," she says, a sardonic version of her typical humor.
Leonidas shines as he comes closer, still chirping enthusiastically about his days as a lion king and the poise of their new companion. 'Tell her I like her spots,' he chimes in Lilliana's mind. 'Tell her-' on and on he goes, leaving the Taigan mare to sigh before attempting a tentative smile to the cat. "That was rather morose of me," she says truthfully, pushing her thoughts about Brazen's death away (and her uncertainties regarding shifters).
Still floating above them, Leonidas beams brightly again, protesting that she has taken so long to relay his message. "I'm Lilliana and this is-," her slender head tilts up with a polite introduction for the star, "Leonidas says he likes your spots." She leaves a lingering question at the end, enough room should the pale creature feel like tacking on a name.
— I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night —
A bright spark of laughter escapes the feline as the star drifts towards her - delighted, enchanted laughter. Her eyes trail its movements before returning to the mare when she speaks, introducing themselves with the bonus of a compliment from the star. “Thank you, Leonidas - I like your glow.” She always had been fond of stars. “And it’s nice to meet you, Lilliana.” The leopard stands then, but Agetta decides against shifting just yet. Not when she’s been complimented on her spots by a star. “I’m Agetta.”
Why is it that her own troubles seem farther away now after the chestnut mare’s morose comment? It’s always been easier for Agetta to pull herself together for someone else, be it a loved one or a stranger, and she can feel her mind begin to make that shift. Enough that she can find a small smile that brightens the deep blue of her eyes as she comes to stand a little closer to the mare.
She welcomes the distraction from her own life.
“And, unfortunately, the tides are not always helpful. Even in a morose way. But when I sought them out, a friendly stranger kept me rooted on the shore instead of allowing me to be swept away.” Her gaze drifts out to the sea, feeling within the pit of her stomach echoes of what it was that drove her into the freezing waters that night.
Seeking the answer to the question about whether her healing would save her from drowning.
Now that curiosity has been dulled, she feels no true temptation to take the life of herself and the child growing within her.
“So if you need an ear.” And she tilts her head with another smile - the offer unspoken but, hopefully, obvious.
12-13-2020, 09:27 PM (This post was last modified: 12-13-2020, 09:35 PM by lilliana.)
Leonidas brightens just for @[Agetta].
(Though he is mindful of glowing too bright; he has no intention of blinding the lovely feline basking beneath his light.)
Lilliana casts a quick look at the star before dipping her head in greeting towards the shifter. "And you as well," the Taigan says in return. The etiquette of manners seems far more familiar to her than this melancholy she has been carrying. It's easier to follow along with the protocol of polite conversation. But Lilliana has already shared her darker thoughts - ones she has never voiced out loud - and it feels foolish to go back.
Agetta doesn't know Lilliana. She doesn't know that the chestnut imagines that she should always be hopeful, the smiling face to greet visitors at the Taiga border. She is the one who is supposed to her children and grandchildren at ease. Lilliana sometimes feels trapped into being some kind of figurehead for her home and family; how does she tell them that she feels like she is always spinning? What kind of leader does she make if she doesn't even know what direction she is headed?
She knows that she shouldn't look at the waves with such longing.
The feline shifter doesn't know this about Lilliana, though. Maybe she imagines that Lilliana does this often. Maybe she doesn't consider what she does at all. But the chance encounter between the pair feels rather... relieving. She doesn't have to be anyone other than this version that Agetta had stumbled across. "Well, thank you for being a friendly stranger tonight."
Part of her is tempted to ask what drove Agetta into the water. But Lilliana has never wanted to pry and she is always cautious when it comes to the personal experiences of others. She glances out to the ocean again before looking towards the spotted cat, flicking an ear in her direction. Her companion is smiling and offering an ear to listen if she wished it. Leonidas draws closer again before hovering behind Lilliana (though he occasionally floats down towards Agetta's spotted tail to admire it, beaming silver-blue with appreciation).
She frowns when glances out to towards the waves again, debating on what (or whatnot) to say.
"I lost my daughter here," she finally decides and shares quietly. A topic as deep and dark as the lonely winter night around them. "I don't know why I came back," she says, feeling a seething rush of anger, and quickly stomps it down on the frozen beach. "It almost seems unfair how much can change and then you come back to a place like this," Lilliana steadies herself, "places like these that never seem to change at all while everything else does."
But such was life. It was rarely fair, especially in their world.
"Can you shift bigger ears?" she dryly jokes to Agetta.
Remember when our songs were just like prayers