"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
Death had been different than she had imagined—and she had imagined it a lot.
It had been different to think of the way that her body had torn apart. The way that it had felt to have her mind just float away—leaving her to walk through the haze of it all. The shadow creeping around her to sink into muscles and tendons of her body. It had taken far too long for her to find her way back into the world, to slip past the veil, into a body that was her own and yet not. Something new entirely.
It was strange to realize that it was different.
To find that scars from her youth had faded, that her head was just a slightly different shape.
She was slightly shorter this time, a little more petite, but she didn’t mind. It wasn’t as though she spent that much time in this body anyway. She preferred to be a bird, to be a fish—to be anything else.
Today, it was a bird.
She takes to the skies, feeling that strange sorrow chasing her, biting at her heels. She can feel it settle across her shoulders as she weaves through the air currents, as they dance along her sides.
It has been weeks since Ghaul had ripped her apart. Only days since she had found her mother and then taken to Hyaline. Months perhaps since she has seen Gar at all.
So it is no surprise that her heart leaps into her throat when she catches sight of him.
Pulling her wings in, she spirals to the ground, shifting when she is close and taking a few running steps forward to catch herself. She pulls up, her dual-colored eyes darker than usual as she searches his face. There’s so much she wants to tell him, to catch him up on, but the only thing she can say is this:
“You’re alive.”
And the relief makes her nearly dizzy.
I want to swim until we both begin to feel the weightlessness sink in
there’s a hole in my chest but it’s mine, baby, it’s all i got.
He has grown reclusive, wrapping himself in the blanket of his sorrows as he keeps to the dark edges of where ever he roams. He returns to Nerine to roost each night and then he is gone when the sun rises over the cliffs. Every step he has taken was in defiance of his father and not a fraction of it mattered, in the end. Ghaul had presented him with an ultimatum that tore through his plans and left him melancholy - save the north and watch Breach die, or set fire to this world and pray for forgiveness.
He startles at the sound of her voice and turns sharply from the river to look at her. His tail curls up, ready to whip and lash out until he recognizes the scent of her. Breach’s outline has changed since he last saw her, he realizes. But, oh, the tide of relief that washes over him to hear her voice and see her standing before him.
“You’re alive,” he echoes, equally astonished.
He does not approach her. The distance between them remains precisely as it is. Would she be disappointed to know the final choice he had made? He shies backward and his wings spread a little as he considers fleeing from this interaction. God knows it would break his heart to leave her like this, but her life could be infinitely happier without him darkening her door again. But then why does he hesitate and linger here, talons nervously tracing circles in the river mud?
“I don’t.. I don’t think we should talk.”
It pains him to say it, to look at her and wish he was just a little stronger. But he is a danger to her and everyone else he has come to care for. He is precisely the monster he had sworn he could never be.
It is not quite the reaction that she had expected, but she has learned to not be surprised by Gar.
He has always been more withdrawn than her—always more cautious. Even now, with her death still so fresh on her tongue, she is more ready to throw herself into the fire than he. She wonders what has made him even more quiet, his face a mask that she could never interpret, no matter how hard she tried.
For a second, she does nothing but breathe heavily, her sides heaving from the effort of the flight and the search for him, from all of the emotions that she has felt in recent days, from the relief and then the instant rejection. She swallows bitterly as he takes a step back, as he increases the space between them.
“I died looking for you,” she spits out before she can stop herself, something indignant crossing her features. “I was torn apart trying to find you and now you just send me away like a nuisance?” She draws herself up straighter but plants her feet firmly in the ground. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Her heart thunders in her chest as she looks at him, studying his face.
She isn’t sure if what she will say now will drive the divide further between them or not, but she decides that she doesn’t care. She has never known caution, truly, let alone how to be pragmatic—how to approach others how they need to be approached. She was a wrecking ball instead.
“I made a deal with your father,” she said, her voice steely. “After he killed me, of course.”
I want to swim until we both begin to feel the weightlessness sink in
there’s a hole in my chest but it’s mine, baby, it’s all i got.
“I died Looking for you.”
The words cut through him as he remembers her limb being tossed so carelessly at him. He had felt so helpless as he watched his father, thinking she was truly gone before he ever really knew her. But she is defiant as ever and she tells him that she will not leave despite his warnings to her now. Yadigar hangs his head in shame and keeps his focus on the cold ground between them, unable to study the shape of her face.
“Please, Breach. If you just stay away then you’ll stay ali-”
And then she cuts him off with words that make him feel ill. He hates it, the way his father just gives and takes as easily as he breathes. But what on earth could Ghaul have given her to remedy the violence he brought down on her? He swallows the lump in his throat.
“What have you done?” he asks, a nervous growl forming down in his chest. “What could he possibly give you or anyone?”
His wings fold back over his body now that he is close enough to reach out and touch her. He doesn’t. Instead, Yadigar prays she traded her safety for his life, but he knows it would be a foolish dream. Ghaul still has every intention of using his children as pawns in his games for as long as they are each alive. This constant state of shame and agony will be his home, he reminds himself.
“I don’t care about staying alive,” she says quickly, her voice sharp and eyes bright. “I could die a hundred times and it wouldn’t matter. I would do it again.” There is the distance between them and she considers crossing it, considers trying to show him how much he matters, but she stands apart. Lets the chasm between them grow, all the facts of their lives piling up between them.
“It would mean nothing if you aren’t there. Don’t you understand that?”
It would be soft words if Breach was truly capable of such softness, but there is too much wildness in her for it to be a sentimental moment. There is too much of her mother roaring up her throat for her to ever truly say such things gently, to ever be sweet and shy. Instead she tosses the words like a weapon.
It is only when he brings the conversation back to his father that she falters, that something else crosses over her youthful features. She lifts her chin a little, defiant, unsure, the fear for her mother clawing at her throat. “Someone tried to kill my mother,” she finally manages, although her words are shaky.
“They almost succeeded. I don’t know if she’ll ever wake again.”
She tries to say this as confidently as the last, but the words make her sound young again—Breach reduced to just another young girl longing for her mother again. A girl mourning. “With her gone, any hopes she had for a different kind of life, a pack, died with her.” She shakes her head. “I couldn’t let that happen. I won’t let it happen.” She finally brings her gaze back to him, defiant once more.
“I negotiated with Atrox to take Hyaline and your father promised me the eastern region.”
She won’t apologize, she thinks, for the deal she has made.
“I am to go north with you.”
I want to swim until we both begin to feel the weightlessness sink in
there’s a hole in my chest but it’s mine, baby, it’s all i got.
He has never understood her and perhaps that is why he continues circling back to thoughts of her. He picks apart the words she speaks, her mannerisms, her rage, only to come up with more questions than he had before. Why would someone with a happy family ever stop caring about being alive? His brow furrows in confusion. Then Breach tells him none of it matters if he is not there. Of all the people on this miserable planet, she chose him as the one to anchor her choices to.
“No, I don’t understand! I want you to stay away from me. I want everyone to just stay away so I can keep you safe,” he insists, stepping close enough that he feels her breath across his face. “Why can’t you just let me protect you?”
Yadigar watches her expression grow uncertain, though she does her best to hide that trembling fear. He knows the feeling too well to ever let it go unnoticed, though he says nothing of it. Instead, he draws a slow breath to steady himself when she explains that her mother was nearly killed. Naturally, he assumes his father is involved in some capacity, but now is not the time for needless accusations.
There is a strange sense of relief, knowing that he is relieved of the burden of being Pangea’s heir. Yet he draws no comfort from the duty being passed on to her. Will Ghaul torment and groom her the way he had Yadigar? He studies the blur of her face when she speaks again.
