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  • Beqanna

    COTY

    Assailant -- Year 226

    QOTY

    "But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura


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    Hey there Krieos
    #15
    So, my notes are terrible. But, I can explain!

    Basically I wasn't sure who the "he" was in the line, and the minus is more to do with the lack of clarity than the possible power playing. I wasn't sure if somehow Krieo's head was being raised as Gryffen was rearing or Gryffen was the one being raised up. And then if Gryffen is being raised up, I wasn't sure if it was as Krieos was pulling his head back up? Etc. I just got a little lost here.

    So if it was Krieos being raised up, it's power playing, since you obviously can't say what's happening to another horse. But based on your reply, I'm guessing it was Gryffen. So no power playing, and that's fine. But just some more detail, and probably use of names in a battle with two he's to aid in clarity of the attack/counter-attack/etc.


    Messages In This Thread
    Hey there Krieos - by Gryffen - 08-05-2015, 01:46 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Kreios - 08-07-2015, 10:42 AM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Gryffen - 08-09-2015, 12:03 AM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Kreios - 08-11-2015, 08:49 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Gryffen - 08-11-2015, 09:25 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Kreios - 08-12-2015, 12:57 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Gryffen - 08-14-2015, 02:15 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Kreios - 08-17-2015, 08:15 AM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Jeje - 08-19-2015, 10:34 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Gryffen - 08-21-2015, 08:37 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Kyra - 08-31-2015, 10:43 AM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Jeje - 08-31-2015, 12:33 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Kyra - 08-31-2015, 12:45 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Jeje - 08-31-2015, 06:05 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Kyra - 08-31-2015, 06:17 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Jeje - 08-31-2015, 06:31 PM
    RE: Hey there Krieos - by Zariah - 09-01-2015, 01:55 PM



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