"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
08-08-2019, 09:09 PM (This post was last modified: 08-08-2019, 09:09 PM by Kagerus.)
K
oh me oh my, i thought it was a dream...
Although days (three, to be exact) have passed since my rebirth, a distinct lack of groundedness finds a home in me. Unreality becomes me. Wandering aimlessly with Lilliana keeps my corporeal form safe at least, and when I do resurface mentally, she is extremely pleasant and kind company. Company I find myself getting excited for every time I exit a trance; like the first time I resurfaced in the riverlands decades ago, I am protected by a liver figure. Despite her youth, Lilli reminds me of my step-mother, Insignificance. That thought leads me to another trance, one where a false wind tickles my fur, where my father and step-mother hold me and greet me in the land I reunited us in. Hyaline.
A loud exclamation reminds me of my body, a sound quickly met and soothed by dear Lilli. Her gentle touch and kind words ease the pain that had speared itself through my chest at the memory of such happy times. While I am thankful to be alive, and by all means thankful to have this stranger doting so devotedly upon me, I am lonely. I am left wanting. I am... without.
Gulping, I move as though to continue our solemn journey through the riverside forest. At the last moment, however, the pseudo-magic which has been laying claim to my sanity glitches - a sensation like that of dream-teleportation besieges me - and before my hoof falls, I am suddenly alone.
Alone, with no one to reassure me of what is reality, and what is not.
"Lilli?!"
The shrill call scares nearby birds who'd not anticipated a teleporter. Their wings shuffle quietly as they rise.
"Lilliana?!"
But no one answers, of course.
Around me, leaves turn to ash, snowing from the treetops without grace or elegance. It's only a dream, I tell myself desperately, swallowing back against the bile that rises in my throat. Twigs creak and break nearby, vibrating on the ground (or is the ground vibrating?) as I try to remain calm.
It is not often she surrenders to slumber, but even she is not immune to such needs. As it happens, this particular sleep is not to be nearly so uneventful as the majority of her’s are. In wakefulness she so often wears the pretense of her invulnerability like a shield, but unfortunately, she is not truly so. A fact that wakens her with the sharpest clarity when a subtle tug stirs her unconsciousness, a magic both foreign and familiar flooding her for the briefest of moments.
When her eyes open, she finds herself not in the safe hollow in which she had bedded down, but instead resting on a carpet of leaves, the prickle of pine needles distinctly different from the sand against her skin. The cool musky scent of rich earth and shaded foliage invading her nostrils tells her she is no longer in Nerine. But the scent is familiar, and in moments she places it.
The forest.
In seconds she is on her feet, dark ears levelled in wary defense as she draws the familiar cloak of apathy around her like armor, blood humming with tense readiness. When the panicked calls reach her ears, she stiffens, casting warily about until she finds the source very close by.
Kagerus.
For the first time in a long time, she knows confusion. Abruptly, she steps back cloaking her presence as she tries to discern how and why this had occurred. But after a few moments of searching, the only thing that becomes glaringly clear is that the woman here is not the Kagerus Heartfire remembers.
Abruptly, she steps forward, her course decided as she discards her illusions and interrupts whatever madness had brought them together. “Lilliana is not here Kagerus,” she replies by way of greeting, her blue eyes glinting in the unreadable dark mask of her features. “It’s only you and I.” She pauses a moment, for asking almost sharply, “Why?”
The vibration continues, a thrum as deep as the rush of blood in my ears. Unreality and reality mix dangerously (just like they did on the mountain, just like they did before I died); a cold wind literally slices the skin of my chest, leaving thin rivulets of blood that pool but barely spill. The insane feeling of everything being possible sends me skittering back, weight on my haunches as though to avoid an invisible evil in front of me.
Lilli Lilli Lilli Lilli Lilli Lilli
She's not here, Kagerus. Who are you?
Around us, thin air snaps into harmless sparks, their hairy lights fizzling out half as quickly as another bursts.
It's only you and I. ...
Why?
Why?
Why?
Caught in the midst of a dissociative fit so strong that my bones threaten to grind to dust from the tension held in my body, reality warps.
A dream that toys with the idea of being conscious.
And she is there with me.
With me where? Here! A laugh that happens to be my own fills the space around us (the forest?), echoing and reverberating back again and again and again -- pink and blue teardrops drip from the trees above thickly, wetting our noses like slugs. Where their pigments stain our skin, our vision doubles, dimensions bending at my unknowing whim. Dreams. Reality. Another wild laugh into the void - but by the end, I'm crying.
When I find her side, I accidentally warp through her (the particles weaving my body together mimicking air). Stumbling, I try again, finally resting against her, feeling at once as though I hang from the sky and as though we are buried ten feet deep.
"I'm uh,"
Everything goes black.
When the light returns, the world seems strangely normal. I still bleed from my chest. Our skin is still stained. But all else abides by natural law.
It is immediately clear that something had occurred to strip Kagerus’ sanity from her. A dangerous realization, considering the woman’s abilities. But Heartfire is far from faint-hearted. Besides, she doubts she’s any true danger from the woman before her. Unless her dementia had altered more than just her state of mind.
“That is obvious,” she replies rather dryly to her companion’s statement that she is not well. Heartfire is not entirely certain she is actually waking or sleeping. Regardless, it doesn’t matter now. Everything that happens with Kagerus is as certain as reality whether awake or asleep, so in the end Heartfire supposes it doesn’t particularly matter.
By her stumbled step, it’s clear that this is more than a mental ailment. So when the other woman leans heavily against her, Heartfire leans in, bracing Kagerus’ faltering frame. Perhaps the roan queen is often known as cold and distant, but that does not mean she would abandon Kagerus here. They might have been friends once, if it could be said that Heartfire has friends.
Besides, Kagerus must have brought her here for a reason.
And so she presses the subject, circling back to her original question in the wake of her bald statement on the wellness of her companion. “But why?” she asks again, her blue eyes sharp as the focus on the spotted woman. “Why am I here?”
She might be able to see, the clarity of her visual insights into the lives of others undeniable, but that does not mean she can discern motive in the face of what appears to be a confusing lack of one.
If only I could grasp that which seems to come so naturally to Heartfire, perhaps my sanity would return. Everything that happens with Kagerus is as certain as reality whether awake or asleep. Luck, I'll call it: luck in that she can identify when reality does not matter. In my presence (a temporary and avoidable occurrence), she is free to explore the bounds of my own insanity... But from within my own mind, it does matter which reality is which. It does matter whether I wake or sleep.
She comments on the obviousness of my unwellness. The part of my self-worth and ego that remained crumpled alongside my dignity in the silence that pervades post-comment. If it weren't for her shoulder set firmly such that I may lean on it, I would teleport away, to anywhere except here: despite the delusions which accompany teleportation, it would be preferable to being obviously unwell. Blood bubbles around my teeth as I bite my tongue. We might have been friends once.
When the queen's voice comes again, it is with an insistence. Her tone claws at my mind for answers as though anything lies there save confusion and misery. My eyes close in a genuine attempt to discern the reason why, if only to hear her say that you are obviously more well than I originally estimated, but of course, such a shallow motivation provides no insights at all into what I can only call a pure accident.
The ringing in my ears reminds me that it is my turn to speak.
Instead, I grunt, casting my legs wider such that I might hold all of my weight on my own. The world spins, but I remain upright. "No reason," I mutter, my voice devoid of emotion. Desolate eyes find a corner of this reality and remain there. Unfocused. "You're free to leave." An apology presses at the inside of my lips to the point that I inhale as though to speak again; but a bone-deep weariness leaves me not caring about what Heartfire might want from me in these moments.
Unbidden, the particles lining my corporeal form change, the fibers of my hair reflecting light differently. In the matter of moments, my figure blends perfectly into the background. Were it not for the shallow expansion and compression of my chest, I would be invisible - but my pseudo-magic has yet to be honed to such a degree.
Instead, it simply gives away my petty, deluded inner feelings. Another sign of my obvious unwellness.
If there is any true fault Heartfire has that she has absolutely no recognition of, it would be this one. This inability to accept that sometimes, there is no rhyme nor reason to the way the world works. For Heartfire, everything must have reason. Even if others cannot see it, there is always reason. And perhaps there is here too. Or perhaps there is not.
Either way, it seems Heartfire would not be learning of it today. And that is quite possibly the most frustrating thing the roan mare could ever (or would ever) experience.
She remains silent for a long time in the wake of Kagerus’ admission. The confusion has made it clear she would receive no answer, and in a way, Kagerus’ attempt at disappearance is answer enough. But Heartfire is not a woman who cares to wonder about things. She is not a woman who is content leaving well enough alone. A dangerous fault, no doubt, but one she cannot seem to shake.
So rather than leaving as her companion suggests, she remains rooted where she is, blue eyes fixed on the faint shimmer where the antlered woman had disappeared. That shimmer tells her she had not left. That she still stood there, either unwilling or unable to leave herself.
No doubt she would one day curse herself with her own curiosity. For today though, it merely prevents her from leaving as she otherwise might have done.
“Am I?” she finally asks, breaking the long silence as she speaks into the air. She doesn’t wait for an answer. “I’m not so certain,” she continues thoughtfully, features surprisingly gentle beneath the ambivalence. “I think maybe you knew I could help you.”
![[Image: kag]](https://78.media.tumblr.com/2e8039018ce4dff6112c167ec23e886a/tumblr_p72zjit7wC1s5a0qvo1_100.png)
