and let me crawl inside your veins. I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain.
She is restless, and frustrated.
She feels like she is being pulled and split into a million pieces, and that she is losing fragments of herself along the way. Most of her time had been spent in Sylva, and no matter how hard she tried to push the feeling aside, there were days that she could not hide the disappointment that there had been no sign of Ophanim. When she left Loess, they hadn’t been on the greatest of terms; and yet, they had also had far more scathing fights in the past.
And maybe that is what worries her the most.
There hadn’t been anger. There had been no biting words, no heated arguing and flaring tempers. There had only been a heavy sorrow, an endless aching feeling that they had lost something they were never getting back.
Her stubbornness had kept her from Loess, but tonight, she passes through it. But she skirts along the edges of it, artfully avoiding the crowded areas and the places her family had once slept. She steels herself against the pangs of guilt at not checking on Malone and Meraxes, but she is sure their father is looking after them, and he is exactly who she is trying to avoid right now. She was too hard-headed for her own good, and maybe someday she would learn to swallow her pride no matter how bitter it tasted, but tonight wasn’t going to be it.
She disappears into the forest that lay at the other end of the kingdom, unnoticed. She hasn’t decided where she is going, even though involuntarily, she thinks of the river. She thinks of Kensa, which makes her think of Litotes, which brings an entirely new bubble of anxiety in her chest and she can feel it smothering her lungs. She had turned her life into absolute chaos, and she doesn’t know how much longer she can handle this out of control spiral.
The forest is silent, or at least, she can’t hear anything over her own racing thoughts, and the blood that rushes in her ears. That anger and resentment – towards herself, towards everything and everyone – that had been simmering just beneath the surface of her skin is suddenly boiling in her veins, and instead of swallowing it away she finally lets herself succumb to it.
She spins around suddenly, channeling every anger and hurt she had been avoiding into exploding a small grove of spruce trees. There is no flash, no flames, just the spontaneous shattering of bark and limbs and needles, and even though it is entirely different, she is reminded of the way the dragon-girl had looked when she killed her. The way her diamond scales had flown, the way her inner fire had shot flames and sparks, and how killing her hadn’t fixed anything. Ophanim had still been almost dead, just like exploding these trees didn’t miraculously undo all the damage she had caused.
Chest heaving, she turns, and when her dark blue eyes find two strangers not far from her, she simply stares at them; her star-dapples glimmering in the night, and her fierce gaze unwavering.
it’s not like me to be so mean. you’re all I wanted.
( just let me hold you Like a hostage. )
I guess she felt like blowing something up.