and let me crawl inside your veins. I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain.
She tried to not feel broken inside, but the harder she tried to hold herself together, the more she could feel the shattered pieces digging into her. The reality of the risk of sleeping with someone else had first hit her when she felt that familiar flutter of new life; when she realized that what had happened with Lie wasn’t just something she was going to be able to brush off. It wasn’t going to be just a single rough patch for her and Ophanim; she was going to have a constant reminder of how she had hurt him. A reminder of how she was, in a sense, no better than him.
She hated herself for the turmoil of emotion that she felt the entire time; that she felt excitement, followed by guilt, and then guilt for feeling guilty. It was a cycle that never ended, and where normally she would have been able to shut everything down, and turn her nerves to steel and her heart to ice, she couldn’t this time. She is restless and anxiety-ridden, her mind racing nearly constantly. She tried to not avoid Ophanim, even though so many parts of her screamed that she should; why would he want her around when she was pregnant with someone else’s child? She knows, without a doubt, that if he had ever brought one of those girls around while pregnant with his child, she would have shattered them to a million scattered pieces without a second thought.
When the twins were born, there was at least some kind of relief. It was over – done. They were here, and while it was abundantly clear they were not Ophie’s – Dove with her snowflake-muzzle, and Draco with his dark magic – that somehow made it easier. Everyone could stare all they wanted, but at least there shouldn’t be any rumors or speculation.
But she comes to Ophanim now, alone. So much of her spark and fire has faded since that night in Pangea, or at least, when she is with him. She is afraid, always, of what he thinks of her, and most times, she doesn’t even read his mind. It was easier not knowing what he was thinking. There is still an intensity to her navy-blue eyes, but they swim with a million questions that she knows neither of them have the answer to. Still, she draws alongside of him, pulling on a mask of confidence and self-assurance as she touches her muzzle lightly to his shoulder, “Hey, handsome,” and the surety of her voice betrays the uncertainty that she feels, but there is a part of her that also knows he knows her too well and can probably hear the underlying doubt.
She can feel her heart flutter nervously in her chest, not just because of everything that had transpired and how she still felt so unsure and like a stranger before him, but because of what had happened at the last kingdom meeting. “Castile needed someone to volunteer to lead Sylva, and I said I would go,” she starts off slowly, careful to keep her tone neutral, but her eyes never stop reading his face. “But I want you to lead with me.” Her heart pounds in her throat, a sudden wave of fresh anxiety washing over her as she follows up in a rush, “It’s just temporary. I don’t want to leave Loess, forever. Just until we find someone that we trust to lead it. And you don’t have to come, I just…” she swallows hard, trailing off at the end. He had no reason to want to go anywhere with her. He has followed her everywhere, every single place that she has gone, and she has destroyed everything they tried to build. I just really want you to, sounded stupid and pathetic, even to her.
it’s not like me to be so mean. you’re all I wanted.
( just let me hold you Like a hostage. )