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  • Beqanna

    version 22: awakening

    COTY

    OCEANE -- Year 208

    QOTY

    "Because if she had not met him, she knew she would have been searching her whole life for the piece that he filled her heart with." -- Eva, written by Shelbi


    i think your love would be too much, starsin.
    #1
    Ophanim
    Ophanim has to keep reminding himself to walk slower as Malone toddles along behind him, delighting in the way his tiny hooves sink into the snow. He brings his knees up high with each step and laughs at the crunching sound his movements produce. The sun makes the snow blinding white, much like gold splashed across each of their bodies. The newborn colt stretches his wings open wide as he leaps forward, purposely kicking up snow in his sire’s direction. Ophie snaps his wing forward to block the attempt and mimics his son’s laughter.
     
    He finds Starsin easily, as he always does when she’s in the mood to be found at all. The angel boy eagerly picks up into a casual trot to bridge the distance between them and buries his face in her mane when he reaches her.
     
    But something is not right.
     
    His stomach lurches at the smell tangled so deeply in her mane but he says nothing as he tries to make sense of it. Malone, however, has begun to learn how to pick apart others’ thoughts. He skims across each of his parents and pieces the puzzle together. Lucky for him, he inherited his mother’s sharp mind instead of his father’s… learning curve. The child blinks as he watches his mother, the ink black sclera and freckled blue irises glimmering knowingly. But their secrets are not his to give, he figures.
     
    Ophanim feels his brows furrow and he clears his throat to shed the lump building in his throat. He deserved this, after all, for betraying her love and trust several times over. This was a natural consequence for being such a cruel lover and he has no right to complain about this sort of punishment. When he kisses her face, the gesture is more desperate than adoring.
     
    Malone, go introduce yourself to some of the other children. All of them need a friend as wonderful as you,” he says as he lowers his head and gently nudges the boy’s cheek affectionately. The colt snots softly, still shy and hesitant to peel himself from either of his parents’ side, but he obeys all the same. Ophanim watches him go before turning back to Starsin with a crooked smile across his handsome face, the glowing lines down his cheeks accentuating the pained expression. This is fine, he tells himself. He can be content to be loved whenever it’s most convenient. It’s better than not being loved at all, right?
     
    I’m sorry for not being enough. I should learn to love you better,” he says as he keeps his gaze focused on the space between her hooves. Slowly, his gold and white oozes to a thick black that refuses to reflect the sun’s shine. It swallows him bit by bit until it covers his face and even the bright blue of his eyes, even the pink of his lips that burn to touch her. “I need to try harder to deserve a girl like you.
    Starsin
    Reply
    #2

    and let me crawl inside your veins. I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain.

    She had thought revenge would be the answer, but it wasn’t.

    She can’t say that she regrets what happened in Sylva – she wasn’t really one for such an emotion. When she had fled Loess that night, that hadn’t been her intention, but once the path had lead her that way, she hadn’t turned back. But that feeling of satisfaction was fleeting. That feeling of knowing another was touching her in a way that only Ophanim had touched her – not nearly quite so loving, but instead something ferocious and carnal – had briefly satiated her uncontrollable hurt and betrayal, like a balm across a burn. But it wore off. Faster than she anticipated. And when all she was left with was crushing guilt, she found herself wondering how he had done that to her more than once.

    The only conclusion she came to was that he didn’t really feel bad at all. He had fucked someone – she isn’t even sure who – and then he had done it again, and again, and again. And she, the one that was so good at playing games and sacrificing other’s feelings to save her own, wasn’t even strong enough to do something like that. Just as she had realized long ago, Ophanim was her weakness. He was the one thing she couldn’t shake, the one that could cut her to her core and strip her down to something meek and defenseless.

    She watches them as they walk across the snowy plain, and the sight of Malone is the only thing capable of making her heart feel whole. He was flawless. There was no other word to describe him. She moves to meet them halfway, and she tenses when Ophanim reaches for her. She does not have to read his mind to know that he knows. She feels him hesitate and withdraw, and when their eyes briefly meet, she sees a familiar look – the exact one she had worn when she had first realized what he had done. But she casts her gaze away from him, lowering her head to caress her lips against Malone’s forehead. “Look how handsome you are, my sweet boy,” she coos into his short mane, and there is a pang in her chest when Ophanim suggests that he go play. She can sense Malone’s hesitation, and pressing her lips once more into his neck she thinks silently to him, Everything’s okay. Go.

    It is only once Malone is gone that her demeanor changes. Her body straightens, her cool eyes finding Ophanim’s face. And again she finds it impossible to be harsh and stoic beneath his melancholy stare, and just slightly, she softens. “You have nothing to apologize for.” She watches as the black encroaches across his light, like a storm rolling across the sun. She shifts closer, her silver lips gently pressing into his cheek, before slowly sliding up to rest near his ear as she says in a voice that is hardly above a whisper, “I suppose this means we’re even now.” When she pulls back, her blue eyes are hard, nearly daring him to shame her for what she did.

    starsin

    it’s not like me to be so mean. you’re all I wanted.
    ( just let me hold you Like a hostage. )



    Ophanim
    Reply
    #3
    Ophanim
    Ophanim never learned how to be angry or what it’s like to develop a ravenous hunger for revenge. The majority of his days are filled with joy over having a beautiful wife who confesses she loves him as she’s falling asleep next to him, having a son any father would be proud to have. There are melancholy hours peppered in here and there as he laments his undeserving good fortune. He can’t relate to the rage broiling under her skin but he can relate to the shame pulsing through her veins like ink. Maybe he could learn hate but only for making her feel the awful dread that comes with being caught.

    He shakes his head when she tries to convince him there is nothing to apologize for. It’s a lie. There’s so much, so much that he should get on his knees and grovel for. Starsin is only trying to comfort him because her heart is too soft for a boy like him – an angel with bruised wings and a crooked halo. Still, he leans into her kiss and sighs softly at her gentle love. But her words are like a thumb pressed hard into those fresh bruises and he winces at the pain.

    Still, he could never shame her. He loves her too much to ever ask her to give up her freedom.

    No, I hurt you more than you could ever hurt me,” he says in a voice drenched is remorse. “You’ve given me a perfect son and what have I done in return?

    He laughs softly to keep from crying over the misery trying to sink its teeth into him but it just inches closer to the core of him. Ophanim steps closer to her once more and buries his face in her mane. This is the only place that feels safe to him anymore and he’s clinging to her like his life depends on it. Still, even curled up in the safety of her embrace, he wonders what the other man was like. Was he more handsome than Ophanim? Was he stronger and smarter?

    Would she leave him for this other man? His breath shudders and threatens to unleash all the tears he’s been holding back since he first smelled him on her skin. The precious curves of her body were his and his alone, he thinks. His to worship and adore, to map with his lips and caresses. Somewhere deep in the molten core of who he is, anger finds soil to take root. He can’t feel it now but it will bide its time until it’s ready to flourish into life. Until then, it soaks up the fire in his lungs learns how to burn through him as his love for her does.

    You are still the reason I get up in the morning. I don’t feel real when you aren’t with me, Starsin,” he murmurs as he kisses against her skin.
    Starsin
    Reply
    #4

    and let me crawl inside your veins. I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain.

    Her emotions continued to war with each other, with anger and hurt so evenly matched that she never knew which she was feeling. They switched back and forth so rapidly that all she feels is that she is spinning, splintering, and so close to falling apart that she can nearly taste her own self destruction on her tongue. Sometimes she wishes that she couldn’t read his mind. That she couldn’t stand there and scrutinize every single thought that passed through him; all the guilt that he felt, all of his newfound insecurities over what she had done, and even worse, still the genuine thoughts of adoration.

    She can feel her anger wither away, as it so often does when she is forced to see the sorrow in his beautiful eyes. But it is not replaced by peace; when her anger is gone, she is left only with her sorrow and her own insecurity. Two children that were not hers. Two different women that he had touched and held, and likely told all the same things that he tells her. The anguish at not being enough filled all the holes her fury left behind, until she was brimming with it, and trembling from trying to keep it contained. His thoughts are an echo to her own, and she finds that there was no satisfaction in succeeding at making him feel exactly as she does.

    Her touch softens, as her delicate chest presses into his and her lips leave a trail of kisses along his neck. He was her weakness; he always had been, from nearly the day they had met. “I love you, Ophanim.” I wish I had been enough, she wants to say. I wish you had been the one I could count on to not turn away despite of how I am, but the words never make it to her tongue. Instead, she rests her forehead in the strands of his mane, her blue eyes closing as she whispers in a voice that shakes with the tears threatening to form in her eyes, “What happened to us?”

    starsin

    it’s not like me to be so mean. you’re all I wanted.
    ( just let me hold you Like a hostage. )

    Reply
    #5
    Ophanim
    If there is anything that Ophanim has done remotely right during his affairs, it is that he never lied to them. He never offered them his heart or pretended to care for them as he did Starsin. They were only meant to sabotage everything he was afraid of losing and he could never dream of replacing her with someone else. Even if today was the last day he was afforded the privilege of kissing her, she would be the last woman he ever loved in his life. Does she know that she eclipses everything else in his life? Would she ever guess that he gave up his migratory life just for her? He knew if he kept wandering as he used to, she might not find him as easily.

    But she confesses her love once more and it feels like a weight is pulled off his chest to hear her speak the words. Suddenly he’s able to breathe and feel the sun against his back. Still, her trembling voice breaks his heart all over and he wishes he was smart enough to find the words to comfort her.

    I love you, Starsin. No matter what happens to us or what has happened, there is only room in my heart for you,” he whispers against her skin. He would shout it from the mountain if she wanted him to, though. He would introduce himself not as Ophanim but as her lover. The role means more to him than his name ever could, anyhow. “I was born to be yours.

    He kisses along her neck and closes his eyes so he can imagine a life where they don’t hurt each other like this. In his fantasies, he’s at least smart enough to cherish her and treat her like a queen. Ophie dreams that his finger isn’t always hovering over the trigger just waiting to ruin everything she has worked so hard to build. But at least in the real world they have a family, with a son any father would be proud of and a home he would defend to the death.

    In this world, she can actually kiss him and mean it.
    Starsin
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