"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
He waited for a moment when he could get her alone, something that was hard to come by with so many people wanting her attention, wanting to reunite or get some one on one time with her, something he could relate to all too well. Well, he was patient when it came to the kids at least. He was happy to sass his way into her view when the kids were occupied, regardless of who else might be around. Just needed to make sure his babies got to spend some time with their momma before he butted in.
Then he did so shamelessly and with a hint of a wicked edge to his grin. “C’mere, babe,” he crooned, trailing his muzzle up the side of her neck and pausing just long enough to take in her scent. Maybe it’d get him some teeth to the face, but it’d be so damn worth it. “Wanna talk to you.” He managed to only put a little bit of a smirk into the word talk, managed to make it sound at least halfway sincere, which was good, ‘cause he meant it. He just also couldn’t help but flirt a little when it came to his lovely Lacey.
With a little persistence and a grin that said he’d only get worse if she made him work for it too long, he managed to coax her away for a little privacy, then walked alongside her, hip and shoulder brushing against hers, reaching out to lip at her pretty mane, tail swishing with his step just enough to harass hers just a bit. “How you handling all of this, beautiful? Kind of a lot to take in.”
A new home, it seemed. For now. It didn't really matter where she was, she was still just the same. True, Ischia had been her home and before that she had been a wanderer, a girl far too young to be on her own but damn determined to make it on her own since she'd lost her mother and twin. She had been only a child then, but she'd lost the mother that adopted her, too.
Everyone always left.
She was left alone now, too. Reilly had, albeit reluctantly, left her to hunt down where the little scamp Badden had run off to. She thought he might hate when she was alone. Not that anyone else would want her attention, but rather, that she was alone with herself and her terrible thoughts. Maybe somewhere deep inside him he didn't trust her not to do something stupid some day.
She was strong enough to.
She just didn't see the point.
She didn't really see a point in anything.
Well, hell. He'd apparently decided she might be half-interesting today, flashing that sexy smirk of his and strutting on over in all his metallic glory. Why the hell did he even bother? Oh, right. For his own entertainment. She blinked and looked away, not incredibly prepared for the war that he'd wage inside her as he always did.
Her jaw clenched as he crooned at her, as he took whatever the hell he wanted as if he had any right to. He didn't want that right. Those dull brown eyes flashed in irritation and she side-stepped out of his touch, her heart pinching so damn painfully. Everything he did was exactly what she wanted, and he damn well knew it. But it wasn't enough. She wasn't enough.
It was so meaningless to him.
She refused to be meaningless.
If he treated her this way when she already knew how little she meant to him, what more does he do for others? Everything he did was fake, freely given. She was not just another of his simple floozies.
She pulled away from his flirty hip and shoulder too, doing her best to ignore every hint of pleasure she might have from it. It was nothing to him. It was nothing to her. All just a stupid game, and oh how it must boost his ego to know how she is. To know without actually needing to find out that she and Reilly hadn't ever had more than a single kiss. Her perfect Irishman as stubborn as she was in the way he refused to give up on her.
And Kir would know so easily that it was his fault.
That even years later, she was still just a ghost of a heart accidentally trampled all over. Her stubbornness held strong at exactly the worst thing it had ever needed to. She was better than this stupid heart-sick nonsense. Her maybe she wasn't. She wasn't really much of anything.
"I'm fine," she said firmly, abrupt. Once again her expertise shined in the way she made it sound like Go to hell.
She would never be enough.
But he would never be enough either.
Kirby tilted his head and frowned a little, just a slight furrowing of his brow as he glanced Lacey’s way. He’d missed her while they were apart, even if it was only a week. Missed her sass and her fire and the way she pushed him away and told him to fuck off and die with a look that he damn well knew hid how he made her melt into a puddle of need. He’d made no claims to be like, a decent person or anything, but he’d thought they were on pretty good terms all things considered.
Something about the go fuck yourself in her eyes felt a little more real this time though.
He fell silent, walking alongside her without sidling up closer and trailing his lips along her skin or brushing his shoulder against hers again, just...just walking. Huh. Was...was it not just a game they played? He studied her out of the corner of his eye, silver gaze unusually solemn, feeling like maybe he was seeing her for the first time. He’d thought he’d fixed things between them, but maybe seducing her again and reminding her of one reason not to hate him hadn’t been enough?
Huh.
“Yeah, okay,” he said softly, nodding agreement even though he didn’t believe for a second that she really was fine. He sure as hell wasn’t. “Alright. How was your trip?” Maybe he could ask about something a little less loaded, a little less emotional. So she didn’t wanna talk to him about how shitty she was feeling right now over everything that had changed, he could deal with that. Change the subject to something a little more innocuous, instead. “You three have fun?”
He seemed confused by her chilly demeanor. She couldn't imagine why. Or she supposed she could. She supposed she'd had enough energy to pretend for him, play along like she was la-dee-da fine and dandy, sure. Whatever made him happy. Which wasn't her. Whatever made it easier on him.
She had no energy for it.
She had no care.
He obeyed the short distance between them and continued walking. "Yeah, okay. Alright. How was your trip? You three have fun?" She sighed. Would run a hand through her hair if she could. He didn't really want to know this, did he? Why would he. What was there to tell?
"The boys loved it." Reilly had been impossibly sweet, as always. Worked so hard to make her smile. As always. She was just too damn broken, is all. Permanently damaged beyond repair. She knew of no way to right it. She just simply wouldn't be the same anymore. Ever.
She tried to make it sound like she cared when she asked, "How are you?" She did care. She just didn't want to know. Couldn't bear to hear him talk of all the things that make him happy that aren't her. Would never be her. She hated him and she just wanted to be done now. Done with everything. Done with life.
She hated that he was still everything.
He never should've been anything.
She was too exhausted to fake a smile and pretend she was just grand.
Kirby wasn’t oblivious to her exasperation with him. A little confounded, but for once not oblivious. Huh. He’d honestly thought they were good, and she was just...you know, prickly by nature. Spiky and spiny and delightfully sharp. This didn’t feel like banter though, didn’t feel like flirting overlayed with thorns. Well. Shit.
“I’m glad the boys loved it,” he replied, sneaking a glance her way, trying to read her face, see deeper than the surface layer he tended to settle for. It was easy to settle for the surface when you kept most of who you were there anyhow. You wanna know Kerb? He’s right there, just ask, he’ll lay it out for you. Wanna know what he’s thinking? Nine times out of ten he’ll lay it out for you. He was never accused of being especially deep or...you know, thinky. Clever enough, but he was a pretty simple man. Hell, even this level of introspection was a lot for him. So it didn’t really occur to him all that fast that some people were a whole lot less straightforward.
His Lacey, though. She was somethin’ else, huh?
“What about you, though?” he asked again, ignoring the question of how he was doing and prodding a little deeper. Curious, meeting those gorgeous angel eyes of hers with silver ones that were actually looking for maybe the first time. “Did you have a good time? C’mon, tell me one moment that really stands out.” A tentative, hopeful smile lit his eyes, started at one corner of his lips as he raised his brows in encouragement. C’mon, baby, talk to me.
"What about you, though?" He sounded so gentle, so genuine.
She frowned and looked over at him, and she shouldn't have done that. He still took her breath away in this way that cuts so damn deeply. She hated it. She hated him. She couldn't stand the way he looked at her, like he could just sink into her eyes and caress her stupid heart. God, don't be real to her. Don't be real unless it's real.
She looked away quickly, desperately shoving her heart from her eyes. The last thing she needed was pity. Or him to freak out and run off because oh god she's still stupid, better run because that was better than reminding her the loudest thing in her life. That he'd never really want her.
She hated how weak she was. How completely stupid she was.
She'll get over it. She will. Another few years oughta do it.
"Did you have a good time? C'mon, tell me one moment that really stands out." She sighed. She'll give him what he wants. Doesn't she always?
"He sang to me," she said flatly. "Badden stayed with some family friends and he sang to me. Drunk and foolish and beautiful." Reilly was gorgeous, and perfect, and his stubbornness was just as relentless as hers was. She probably needed that. Who else would she have if he finally gave up on her stupid self? He was tough enough to stand his ground when she snipped to much. She imagined had she the heart and energy to push him too far he would be the type to make her regret it in the best ways.
So she made sure not to.
She remained empty and dry and hollow. And quiet. Deadened dark eyes.
"Now do you answer the question? Or must I continue?" What was a little more heartache at this point anyway.
Oh whoa. Okay. His eyes widened a little as something a little disconcerting happened in his chest when she looked at him so intently, like...weird. He frowned, puzzled by the like weird flare of something...different? Maybe he was sick or gassy or something, probably nbd. Ate something that disagreed with him and that was why it felt a little bit like a spark or--look, nevermind, no big deal probably. Just caught off guard by that look in her eyes, one he didn’t really know, had never seen before. Sharp and intense and not like, fuck me lusting but something else he didn’t know.
Huh.
Anyhow. He brushed off the probably heartburn or whatever and coaxed her answer out of her with a gentle smile and a curious lift of his brow. But her answer made him frown a little too, another weird new thing happening in his insides. This one a little more raw and tight, like tension in his belly and a flare in his chest--man, maybe he really did eat something off, his body was doing weird shit. Better skip the grass and just absorb some iron out of the ground for a couple of days, clear his system.
“See?” he asked, pushing the weird sensations out of his mind and focusing entirely on her. “Was that so bad?” A tiny, sassy little grin ‘cause he knew it kinda had been, but she did it anyhow and wasn’t that sweet of her? Ugh, but she asked about him again, not at all put off by his persistence in coaxing answers out of her. Damn. Well, she’d given him honesty, least he could do was the same.
“I mean, I’m happy to hear more, always. Wanna know what’s going on with you, how you are. Seems like there’s a lot more going on in that gorgeous head of yours than meets the eye, you know? But okay, I’ll answer, if you want.” He shrugged a little, just a brief lifting of a shoulder.
“Honestly? I’ve been a hell of a lot better, babe. Super worried about Kal, she was just starting to talk again after Taiga shit and then the whole world fell apart again and not a damn word since. Kharon’s got way too damn much to deal with too, trying to be a rock for Kali, trying to figure out how he relates to Kylin now that she’s...I mean, our age? Older? That’s gotta be rough.
“Really fucking glad you and Reilly and Bads are safe and didn’t get anywhere near as left-behind as Kylin, though I mean if it’d meant Ky didn’t have to spend all that time alone--so I mean, feeling selfish as fuck that I’m glad you three got caught up in time wonkiness too. But I think it mighta broken Kali more than she could come back from if it’d been all of you. Tryin’ to find out who me an’ Ky are to each other now that she’s all grown up and probably doesn’t need a dad who’s younger than she is, but maybe needs a friend who loves her unconditionally, I can do that at least.
“I dunno, baby, I’m like just wanting to push through this and make everything okay and there’s really no way to do that. No way to make up for leaving her, even if it was an accident. No way to make things better for anyone I care about, and that sucks pretty hard. What about you? You wanna tell me anything other than you’re fine?”
this time I’m torn, please wake me if I lose that face search in these eyes: there’s still fire in the darkness
"See? Was that so bad?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. His cocky smirk was unwelcome, the gorgeous bastard. He was happy to hear more, he told her, promising that he always wanted to know what was going on with her, how she was, and she rolled her eyes. Then blushed as she threw that same word out at her: gorgeous. She was not that, and he knew it. And she didn't care for him pretending to care for her either.
He would know what had been wrong this whole time, all these years, if he gave a damn.
She sighed and turned her face as he threw another word at her. Babe. Everything was so damn meaningless, wasn't it? It would never make her heart race as it once did, foolish enough to think it was real. It had never been real. It never would be. Not with him. It was real when Reilly said it, and somehow it made her feel guilty to let him. He deserved so much better than her.
Her little nod was her acknowledgement that she was listening. He was worried about the family. Kylin and Kali everyone else. Then another one. Baby.
"What about you? You wanna tell me anything other than you're fine?"
She sighed again, a deep breath and a shake of her head. "No." There was nothing to tell. Here they were, all safe and sound. It wasn't home but it was close enough for now. There was no use in dwelling on all the should have's and could have's and wished they would have's. All they could do now was move on - everyone but her of course. She couldn't seem to get that one down.
Years.
She was such an idiot.
He didn't even deserve it, not even a little, and yet he had it.
With a slow blink and a drowning ache in her breast, she angled another direction and murmured, "I think I'll rest now."
12-01-2018, 12:49 PM (This post was last modified: 12-01-2018, 12:57 PM by Kerberos.)
Huh. She shot him down flat, and not in like a flirty sassy playin’ hard to get, give it one more shot baby kinda way either. Kirby frowned a little, tilted his head to look at her. “Oh. Okay. Sure, I mean, if...you know, you’re tired or...yeah, no, cool. Okay. I’ll...go bother somebody else, yeah? Haven’t given Reilly a hard time since you guys got back, and I’d sure love to see little Baddie.”
He looked at her a little longer though, silver eyes studying her with a pensive little frown. This definitely didn’t feel like a flirt and touch and kiss and make it better kinda moment. Which were really the ones he was best at. Those and sassing relentlessly and getting himself into trouble, but again. Not a time for sass, it seemed. Okay.
He watched her turn away from him, let his eyes rove her sexy ass, covered in lace he’d carved into her skin so long ago now, and he tried to make sense of things. Trip went fine. She and Reilly went out, he sang to her, the boys had a good time. She was adamantly fine and that was all she wanted to say. Okay. That was not a whole lot of information for him to go off of, and there was clearly a lot for him to piece together.
Okay but he really had no idea where to start.
“You...can talk to me, you know. If you want to. I know that’s not like, a thing we traditionally do or whatever, but…” He trailed off with a little shrug. “You’re my Lacey, you know? I’m here. If...if you want me to be. I’m listening. I know shit’s hard right now, but it’s a little easier together. If you need to be by yourself, cool, no worries, I won’t push. But if being alone sucks and makes it harder, then...maybe don’t be.” He took a little step toward her, unsettled by how hesitant it was, by the little flutter of nerves when he offered, “I could come with you. Curl up somewhere cozy and hold you. You don't have to be alone, if...if you dont wanna be.”
this time I’m torn, please wake me if I lose that face search in these eyes: there’s still fire in the darkness
She was honestly too exhausted to care. She kept walking whether he followed or not.
He started talking more hesitantly, something so unlike him, and she frowned, throwing a glance his way. Talk to him? What, like friends? No. They weren't that. She couldn't be that. And his Lacey? No, not that either. Because he was not hers and never would be.
"I could come with you. Curl up somewhere cozy and hold you. You don't have to be alone, if... if you don't wanna be."
She stopped and rounded on him, brown eyes flashing with a flicker of bitterness. "What do you want, Kir!? What do you want from me? I AM alone. Nobody could ever want me after you. So what-- Why are you following me. Why do you pretend to care? Just don't. Just go about your way and DON'T."
She immediately hated everything she said, wanted to take it all back and have left in stoic silence instead. She can only handle so much hurt though, and he was deeply confusing and driving her mad, pushing her to irrational reactions and she just needed to get away. So she kept walking, her tail flicking sharply behind her.
She would find Kali and hold her again.
Curl up with her baby where the love was real.
