and you say that i hurt you in a voice like a prayer, leliana

[leliana]

I waited for something, and something died
so I waited for nothing, and nothing arrived

She can still feel it all in her bones.

She has not yet taken the time to fully heal her wounds so although her skin is feverish, her neck is still burned, her chest is still gashed. Exist had done what she could to help heal Leliana’s face from the worst of the damage, but the sickness had taken over them both—taken over Exist’s whole family—and there was only so much that could be done. Only so much that they could do now and in the coming days.

But none of that matters.

The grief, the sorrow, the weight of it all falls away before the pain in his eyes.

And, suddenly, it’s too much. She can't bear it. The old wounds from watching Dovev misinterpret her words time and time again, never understanding her intentions. The fresh wounds of Vulgaris driving her away from him. The vision—that living nightmare—of Rhonen falling beneath the writhing horde.

It all floods in and through her, crawling up her throat until she can’t breathe.

And that constant wall around her emotions, that careful hold she keeps, crumbles.

“Pretend to love you?” she chokes on the words, coughing. “You think I pretend to love you?” Her voice rises, an alien heat showing in her hazel eyes. “I love you with everything I have. I love every piece of you that you were willing to give me. I didn’t ask questions when you came back with your face shredded and accepted that you weren’t willing to share all of yourself with me. I didn’t ask questions. I just loved you. Love you. I love your silences and your voice. I love your tenderness and your violence.”

She shakes her head, trembling, coughing so that blood flecks the corners of her lips.

“And then you tell me there’s another. Your sister.” She remembers Khuma’s words ringing in her head, the sickness that swelled in her. “You chose her over me. Over Adna. Over our family.” Her feathers flare here slightly, the swelling of her stomach beginning to show, despite the slender angles of her.

“And I still love you.”

A tear falls down her cheek but she doesn’t close the distance, despite the fact that she wants to rage at him, wants to pound on his chest. “I am a weak, foolish woman and I love you even when you don’t love me. I love you when you drive me from your bed. When you reject me.” Her voice breaks but she continues. “I love you and your family so much that I will give you up to Shiya so that you can stay safe. I will give you our children so that you can protect them. I will step back so can have the life you want.”

She falls quiet, looking at the ground, blood smearing her mahogany neck—defeated, at last.

All of the energy bleeds from her so that when she looks back it is with quiet, bruised eyes, the thinness her face more prominent than even before. “Don’t accuse me of pretending to love you, Vulgaris. I have given you everything I have to give—even when it’s not enough. I will still give. I will still love you.”

it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend
it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end

@[vulgaris]