"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
He was growing uneasy as the months went by. His face was nearly always pinched in concentration lately. Each time they passed another mother and child, he would study them silently, compare them. He'd mark the differences in his mind to his own relationship with his Mother. They were unsettling. Disappointing.
Every now and then, even without the prompting of such an image, his eyes would go distant and clouded as he reflected on these thoughts. Sometimes, so lost in his own mind, he'd miss when she spoke to him; he'd smile sadly and apologize, asking her to repeat it again for him. He never wanted to miss anything she said.
He saw that he had what those other children had; a caring and nurturing mare. He saw how they nuzzled together, much like he and Cerva did, but it was still different. For him, it was different. When he saw adult stallions and mares together, that older sort of love, that was what he wanted. But he was not grown like those stallions, and so he could not ask for that. But he couldn't sit around and simply accept that lesser connection. He wanted more. Needed it.
So he had to change the way she saw him. Not as a child, but as a man. For the future.
He carefully distanced himself, not permanently latched to her coat as before. A separate being, independent like a grown stallion. She was always Cerva now, and not Mother. He tried to lessen their nuzzling, truly he did, but hers was a fragile heart and needed the utmost care only he could provide. He'd not allow her to think he didn't love her anymore. And honestly, he really couldn't get enough of her. He had to remind himself that one day he could have it again, and restrained himself to only snuggle into her when he thought she needed it. He had to be a separate being in her eyes, a man not a child. Her man one day.
Did he mention how radiant she was? How utterly divine? He swore every beast within a 10 mile radius was staring at her everywhere they went. Of course he glared at them all, challenging them to even think of coming near her. She was his. He'd make it so as soon as he was old enough. As soon as he was a man in her eyes. He'd do it now if he believed she could see him that way, but he was only a little colt to her, needing the proper care of a mother. It was a work in progress.
Belatedly, her voice filtered to him, shaking him out of all the worrisome thoughts. He blinked and smoothed the frown from his face, giving her a shy little smile. I'm sorry, I think I've done it again, haven't I? What did you say? Big, black eyes glimmered with apology and he focused his full attention on her, staring into her wonderful gaze and nearly melting in it.
It had just rained, a brief little light shower, and the sun labored to gently burn away all the dampness from his coat. They'd been walking a while, just roaming, and so it was probably mid-day. He was glad there weren't many others nearby where they now stood, as he tried very hard not to let her see him glare away the other stallions. He was all she would ever need, he'd be sure of it.
@[Cerva] he is impatient and needy and refuses to wait any longer. <3
10-07-2016, 03:01 PM (This post was last modified: 10-07-2016, 03:03 PM by Cerva.)
Cerva had noticed the distance. There’s a wall being forged between them but she often battled its fruition. She would try to pull him into her embrace, but there were times he would shy away. She wanted to nurture him, to cradle him against her side, but he is less consenting and more independent. ”Growing too quickly,” she often says with a forced smile. As much as it pains her to accept his maturation she realizes that it has to happen. His independence will tell her how well she tried to raise him as he faces the world head-on with its challenges. Did she do better than her own mother and father? Or has she failed him as much as they failed her?
A shudder creeps along her back, but his soothing touch melts away her insecurities even if just for the moment. ”Dovev,” she croons, but he doesn’t acknowledge her. She can see the distance in his eyes as he stares to the horizon with a periodic glance toward passing males. Passive as she is, Cerva quiets herself and follows him to wherever he leads. His adoration – this relationship – is all she knows and all she cares about now. Is it normal? Is it expected to latch so tightly onto a son she adopted one day in a meadow?
Everyone left her. They abandoned her. They forgot about her.
They taught her how not to be.
It’s when he takes pause and apologizes that she tries to weakly smile. ”Dovev,” she says his name again although it has been hours since it last coated her tongue, ”You’re getting too old to be around your mother?” Her heart rattles fearfully in her chest. She knows he will agree but simultaneously hopes that he won’t. She doesn’t want to let go of him, ever.
She smiled at him as he focused on her, a limp and half-hearted thing. It had not at all the beauty and life that her smiles normally brought to her perfect face, and he wondered if he'd missed something rather important in his deep musings.
But she only said his name, a simple and powerful thing. It could not possibly feel the same on any other's lips but hers, and tingled through him like a jolt of electricity. A blissful little grin transformed his so-serious little face. A silent, deep sigh released from him slowly in contentment. He loved that feeling. He hoped one day to be able to return those delightful sensations to her, perhaps when he was older and larger and very much adult.
Not a little boy with a mother.
Her angelic voice continued, "You're getting too old to be around your mother?" Such an innocent question, only just barely tainted with a delicate air of doubt. It froze his heart painfully, knowing he put that uncertainty there with his selfish actions. Perhaps he had put too much distance and caused her some hurt. As the man who knew how to best care for her, he'd have to fix this.
He chose his words carefully, mindful of speaking the truth, always the truth to her, but in a way her soft heart could interpret it safely and comfortably in what she wished to hear most of all. I will never be too old to be around you, he said firmly, meaning every syllable with the whole of his entire being, his eyes wide and hopeful as if they could push all his heart-felt meaning into her.
He made a risky decision, and slid in close to her, pressing his monochromatic coat almost hesitantly against her brilliant colorful one. With a child's affection, what she truly wished for, he could be undoing everything he had worked for thus far. But wasn't her security and joy worth it?
Of course, it was.
And then he couldn't help himself. He took it a step further. Still hesitant, but with a pale glimmer of confidence, because he knew it was what he wanted, he inched forward. His velvet craned tentatively to her cheek, filling himself with her intoxicating scent. His lids drifted closed, almost sadly. This could possibly be the first, last, and only time he could ever have this. Slowly, experimentally, he lipped sweetly at her skin, as he'd seen men do. A stallion's kiss.
Guilt, and shame at his selfishness, reined him back, and he tucked his head to her chest with a shuddering sigh, too afraid to see her reaction. Maybe she'd chock it up to a child's misunderstanding, something much easier for the mind to accept. Rationalized and safe. Not at all like the painful emotions rolling through him like a hurricane. He knew he should speak, distract her, direct her attention to something else entirely.
But his mind couldn't form a clear thought just then. He could only stand there, stilled in his own misery.
”I’m so happy to hear that,” she whispers into the brisk autumn gale with her eyes reflecting the dappled sunlight when she looks at him. This is all she has known these last few months. Without him she would be reduced to nothing and her purpose would disintegrate. Cerva needs him but she doesn’t say this, only extends it through soft touches and gentle words. Her heart is pounding against her chest, threatening to break its chains (but why?). A lump forms in her throat and her eyes dance away suddenly to look at the changing colors of the season, distracting herself. She knows what she feels for the boy, but the words are foreign to her. They’re strange on her tongue when she toys with the idea of it. Trying to muster herself Cerva looks back to Dovev.
It doesn’t happen quickly, her admission. Other things obstruct the way of it being said and she almost begins to ramble. ”I’ve failed in finding us a home,” Magnus was deterred and she actually hadn’t put in a great deal of effort because she enjoyed his sole company, ”I’m sorry.” His warmth is reaching for her like tendrils fanning across her skin. Despite her regrets, her failures, Dovev still brings a smile to her face. Her eyes blink slowly and she savors this sweetened moment as his lips trail across her cheek. What he sees as adult adoration she sees as a child being gracious and loving toward a mother. Cerva doesn’t know the difference and has never experienced either to help decipher the contrasts.
But this nurturing moment caters to her heart. She leans earnestly into him and whispers, ”How I love you, Dovev.” She has never loved, not really, and a pang of familiarity hits her now as she associates her feelings with those words, invests her heart into that one statement.
Her sweet voice melts through him and holds his heart, spreading warmth throughout his whole being as only she could do. She's happy to hear it, that he could never be too old to be near her, could never outgrow her. She was everything to him, and she always would be. He could never stand to lose her for anything. One day he'd say so.
She blamed herself then, for their shared failure of finding a home, somewhere safe. Guilt hit him with her admission. It was his fault, he should've found them a home by now. But he couldn't help wanting to keep her to himself, all to himself. He wanted to be what kept her safe, but the painful truth was he had no idea how. He was not trained to fight or analyze threats, he was only a colt, and damn how he hated admitting that.
There must be a remedy for this, and he would find it. Soon. He would make it possible to keep her safe by his own skills alone. Whatever it took. He would be all she ever needed.
And then all the doubts and uncertainties were swiped away. "How I love you, Dovev." She whispered it, her body pressing into his almost eagerly and all his wants solidified. She loved him. He'd touched her, and instead of pulling away from it, she soaked it in for herself as deeply as he did her affections for himself. Maybe being with her was not all that foolish a desire after all.
He closed his eyes and smiled, returning the embrace with his own weight. Perfect. Whatever this was between them, it was exactly what he wanted, what he craved. Energy thrilled through him, blissful adrenaline fed into his affections as his velvet met her skin once again and fervently lined quick little kisses along her neck. Yes! This was happening. She was really his! She wanted this too, he could feel it.
I love you too, Cerva, he said a little breathlessly, excitement and anticipation stealing his breath. She was perfect and she was his. He had to find them a home. Needed to. And then he needed to learn to fight, to always protect her. Yes, that's what he needed to do. He needed a home for them, somewhere she'd be safe while he trained.
It is my fault. I will try harder to find us a home. I just... I love my time alone with you. The flat of his face pushed in to her shoulder, sucking in the beautiful scent that was hers alone. This was the best day. He'd never let anything separate them. Only long enough to train, for her, and nothing else. Would she understand? Would she know he would never abandon her like those before him had? Would she believe him, trust him?
Questions for another time. He would not inject that doubt to this perfect moment and ruin it. Soon, though. Soon he would need to tell her he wouldn't always be around. Just temporary. To learn to keep her safe with him alone. And then they could stay together forever.
ooc: my turn to apologize for the wait!! <33 sickness broke me so bad x.x
His voice is serene and cradles the gentle arch of her ears like a lover. When her eyes close she almost sees him as a stallion and not as a boy, but the realization rolls over her when she looks at him with a wavering smile. This is her son and she knows how deeply she cherishes him, but when he speaks of the mutual adoration is he saying it with more fervor? Is there something more primal, more invested, swirling in their guts when their eyes meet? No, she cannot allow that, and she draws away from him slowly and looks across the meadow with piqued curiosity. ”I couldn’t have asked for a better son,” she forces herself to say, but the trap has already been laid and she is already his. There is no way that she can escape his grasp or his need to own her; the damage is done and she is his prisoner.
”We will find something together. You would think I would be able to, but I’m proving to be a dreadful mother to you,” only because they remain nomads in this new world. Not until the Gates had she truly bound herself to a land and those within it. Perhaps her father’s wanderlust has been instilled in her, or maybe her mother’s lack of stability. Her entire family is fleeting. She was – is – destined to fail him as a mother and yet she still couldn’t resist cradling him into her side that day and letting her heart embrace him as her own. As he grows, however, she finds herself struggling more with parenthood because she doesn’t know what to do, or where to turn. It’s just them in this room of shadowed faces.
Diverting their conversation she speaks quietly, admiringly of what once was. ”I wish I could show you what I could once do, before all of this.” Her hooves alternate in lifting in an excitable dance, a smile broadening across her white-bark lips. ”I had control over poison ivy,” she loved winding the vines of it along her leg, ”and I could shift into a badger.” It isn’t as intimidating or as impressive as her wolf-brother, but it was still something she enjoyed, and something she dreadfully misses.
Something changed, he felt it. An icy cold slipped over him as she gently pulled away. He stared at the curve of her shoulder where it had just been pressed so wonderfully -perfectly- into his. But it was over there now, and not right here. Confused, his gut clenched, and he frowned. This was a new feeling, a very unpleasant one. He was not wounded and bleeding, but he still felt it. Pain. From within him, like a sickness. Hurt. A blade he could never reach, to remove it and ease this ache.
And before long, her words pushed it deeper. "I couldn't have asked for a better son." A son, still. A boy, just a boy. He'd been fooled by her sweet touches. Misled by his deepest desires and the childish hopes of a young boy. Still just a goddamn boy.
His gaze shot away from her. Colder, harder. This emotion of pain was not one he wished to feel again. Never again. It was uncontrollable, came at him unbidden and unwanted, without his say-so. He only wanted her, was that so much to ask? Not a grand kingdom as some dreamed of, or a large herd of companions. Just her. And again, still, she denied him. How long would he have to wait for his Cerva? What did he have to do to be a man in her eyes?
How much longer would he let her hold the control.
She spoke again, her voice as soft and sweet as he liked it. She was his treasure to be cherished, he would not forget that. He smoothed his features, steadied his nerves. His teenage hormones were not her problem, he would sort them. Or try to. But that bead of disappointment still sat hard and foreign in his chest. A solid thing with a bitter taste.
She danced a little, and it drew his eyes instantly. Her smile brightened. He just might be able to forget the pain. "I had control over poison ivy," she told him, eyes lit with excitement, "and I could shift into a badger." His brows tugged together, puzzling it out.
She had a power? A magic, as he'd heard it called? Why had he not considered she would? No, of course she would, she was an amazing creature. It seemed she was even more a delicate treasure than he'd known. She held control over ivy, a master of the badger. His Cerva was powerful. He felt elated, but also disappointed. Did he have anything locked within him too? And then determined. Of course he must. He was made for her, he would be powerful too, naturally. Something splendid and strong, something to help him keep her protected. Yes, that must be it... Right?
I would like to see that one day, he said with a smile, his eyes catching her excitement like wildfire. She'd be glorious, such a sight to behold. Of course she already was, but to see her with such power. He couldn't imagine it. Doubt crept into his voice though as he spoke again, his brows tugging together hopefully. Do you think I might have any abilities too? Maybe something to help...keep you safe. But he couldn't finish it, and his voice trailed off as his eyes sank to the ground.
She didn't want him.
Didn't want to be kept safe with him.
Why was it so difficult to reiterate what he is, a son? Why does the word suddenly taste so strange on her tongue? When she looks at him his eyes have already darted away and she can see the rigidity in his muscles. He is a statue forged by the strongest iron, his muscles chiseled underneath his coat. Cerva notices the change in his demeanor, but forces herself to look away in shame. Had she hurt him? Is there something far deeper brewing in their souls? Her mouth opens to speak, but no words fall. She is at a loss, confused as to where they find themselves in this winter frost while the snow tumbles down on their bodies.
The flakes catch onto her eyelashes but with the gentlest tilt of her head they melt away as her forelock fans across her pretty face. She basks in the silence and waits for him to look at her in which he does fairly quickly. Their eyes meet and electricity course down her spine and through her limbs. A smile – serene and fairly proud – brightens the bark of her lips and her nutmeg eyes. ”I would be excited to show you,” she wants to be more than a meek woman afraid to ever take a chance. She wants to exploit her capabilities and perhaps prove to him that she isn’t a weak mother (but she would be lying to herself). ”You would be more impressed by my family,” she catches herself saying. They are always better than her; Cerva will never escape the shadow that her parents cast. With her gaze drifting to the snow-covered grass she hesitates to reflect on them, but then Dovev asks of himself. Her heart wrenches in her chest. If only she could have a definitive answer for him.
”You don’t need abilities to help,” she doesn’t ask him to elaborate what he plans to help with, ”You are extraordinary even without anything additional.” Unlike her. She would be lost in a crowd if not for her manipulation abilities. Like now, since the Reckoning, she has been forgotten by those she knew. The only one who cares about her is Dovev (is that something to boast about or pity herself for?). ”With time we will discover if you have any abilities like me,” she pivots so that the mountain range is visible in the distance, obscured by gray clouds. ”One day we will take a trip to the Mountain and see if we can have the magic returned to us. Does that sound okay?” They would go together no matter how far into the future that may be.
That one statement seals their – her – fate. She won’t leave him; they will follow in each other’s company until the world has to unwillingly tear them apart.
Inching toward him, Cerva glides the white bark of her muzzle along his neck. ”Come here, Dovev,” a chill rattles her bones, ”I want to hold you.” With the Mountain still towering above them she curls around him and tries to deter the winter cold.
The air was chilling, and without her warmth it was freezing. Even that small distance between them felt so very far. The snow drifted in lazy streamers, melting as soon as it touched his hot skin. He watched it absently, once again brooding on their futures. When he met her eyes again, a smile spread across her lips as though it were a natural reaction. His gaze softened in response, though his brows still held pinched together somewhat anxiously.
He worried over his plans. They would require him to detach himself from her side, for a while at least. It was a constant inner battle; if he stayed, he could be sure no man tried to steal her from him. But away, he could not guarantee someone would find her, seduce her kind heart into forgetting him. As he was now though, a male could simply waltz in and grab her. He had no defenses, no training. It was important if he truly wished to keep her safely at his side.
"You would be more impressed by my family," she continued. His ears twisted back in disgust. They had abandoned her, forgotten her as though she meant nothing to them. He wasn't sure anything they may have been born with could overwrite those damages in his eyes, but he held his thoughts to himself. He would not openly disrespect the lineage that delivered his angel to him.
His face finally relaxed as she spoke again. "You don't need abilities to help. You are extraordinary even without anything additional." He smiled and nosed at her in quiet thanks. He wasn't sure it was true, but he loved that she sounded as though she believed it. She continued, explaining about the mountain as she looked off in the distance. Dark eyes followed her gaze to the place of his origin, his creation. "Does that sound ok?"
Of course, he answered easily. He'd go anywhere with her, everywhere with her. To be there as her magic was restored, and perhaps his own in turn, would be entirely rewarding. He'd never realized there was more to her, that she was not already whole. It drove him to find a solution and restore what once was hers.
As he stared out towards the mountain, he sensed her ease in closer and stilled, holding his breath in anticipation and hope. Her velvet trailed across his neck, leaving his skin prickling in pleasure in its wake. Did all women have this magical touch, or was it only his beautiful Cerva? He didn't care to find out. Hers was the only one he desired.
"Come here, Dovev." Electricity scorched through him at her words, that low tone, and he was instantly obeying. "I want to hold you." She wrapped herself around him, warming him through and through despite the shy tremble that racked through him. He returned the embrace, lightly placing slow kisses down her neck and shoulder.
All mine.
But there was that nagging possibility, the chance he may not always be at her side. Cerva.. he began, pausing to organize his thoughts. It dug painfully into his soul just trying to say it to her. How could he abandon her when they had all done the same to her? Would she see it that way and hate him? If he could tell her how badly he wanted to stay, but the necessity of what he must do.. how hard this was for him.
But his tongue became thick and heavy in his own torment, and he knew what he said was not enough. Nothing could ever be enough. I may... I have to leave for a while, Cerva. He ground it out, the words tasting like sour bile as they left him. You know I would not do so if it was not of dire importance, he said a little hopefully. Please don't hate me, he thought fervently, alighting more kisses to her neck.
There was something he must do.
It was time that he find the man who would recreate him.
::i swear to goodness he writes novels just for you.
i'm also a season behind for taking so long, i see :| very sorry!
