[mock] Traton vs Caw

[Andromeda]

your second post looks like words from the first one, yes? am I going crazy?

Weird, it is...I swear I wrote a different thing for it. When I get home. I will fix it.

[Belgaer]

Belgaer

Maintaining the distance between them he is breathless as he watches her quietly study her injuries. Theirs had been a hurried affair, a flurry of hooves and teeth and strained muscles. Facing her he watched her quickened breathing flair the edges of her nostrils, the impact of his hooves upon her flank having had knocked the wind from her lungs. This was not his first mock battle and he kept himself primed and prepared for her next move.
 
Sweat rolled down his brow, his mane and tail clinging to his sticky wet hide. Beneath the layers of his flesh his muscles burned with the delight of their exercise. It had been too long. Having chosen diplomacy as his calling, he found himself spending less and less time outside of the training ring. Even if he had wanted to refine his skill farther than what they already were, time had been in short supply of late. His dance with Traton, however, reminded him that perhaps a few more spars could not be of any harm to him.
 
Knocking him out of his thoughts, the dark mare charged forward once more, a wild look upon her face. The whites of her eyes revealed a primal terror and he feared that she may have lost sight of the reality of their brawl. Her stride was strong as she feared towards his left, closing in the space between them. With a sudden toss of her shoulder she shifted her weight upon the balls of her feet, aiming her hindlegs at his shoulder. The world around them seemed to slow as he watched her hooves fly towards the fragile joint of his wing upon his back. Panicked, he flapped once, rocketing himself forward – her hooves planting them squarely upon the barrel of his middle. Breathless, he maintained his momentum, continuing forward, his own back legs kicking out in a fitful reprisal.
 
Landing he glanced over his shoulder, a glare set deep within his gaze. Had her blow landed upon it’s intended target he would have been seriously wounded, crippled even. Belgaer’s jaw set as he noted her ragged breath as it fell past her lips, horror deep within the whites of her eyes. She had not been thinking rationally, he knew, but that did not inspire him to forgive her. Flicking his tail indignantly he left the field without so much of a word, ending their sparring session.

The Prodigal Son

Word count: 403 (I had to completely rewrite this. I'm sorry for the confusion)

[traton]

Despite this newly-discovered aggression, Traton still spooked as his wings unfurled, surprised and disturbed by their size and speed at this close range. The kick aimed for his wings reflected this and came half a second later than she’d intended, landing on his barrel instead. She moved forward and slightly away from him as he did the same. This was insufficient to remove her entirely from range as he swung his hind legs, and one hoof landed squarely on the large muscle of her hindquarters, leaving another bruise to be contended with later. Oblivious to his disdain, she continued forward, but her shortened breath began to catch up. She stopped and stood, gasping, lost in a dizzying flurry of fear, adrenaline, and oxygen deprivation. The vague awareness that he had left the battlefield only released her to the prison of her fears.

Had she focused much on his departure, it may have worried her that he left so abruptly. But Traton had other matters that drew her attention, and as soon as the dust began to settle from his exit, he became a distant figure in her thoughts. She whickered to herself, attempting to soothe the rushing waters of her troubled mind, but time only worsened the affair. She was left alone in the dry dirt of this forsaken arena, craning her head around to nuzzle the flesh of her flank. The breaths she drew were ragged as gentle words fell disjointedly from her lips, reassuring, words meant only for her ears and those of the little creature she nurtured. With no outlet now, her panic only increased, a sickening and dizzying fear that maybe she had harmed this life. “Please,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper, not bothering to hide the trembling.

Surely, he could not have known- could he? This was a man from a place of reputation, not some scum from the other kingdoms. She wasn’t terrible familiar with the culture of these places, but it seemed somehow terribly out-of-place for someone to intentionally try to harm an unborn child, in a mock fight no less. Perhaps it was her fault after all- perhaps she should have mentioned it- but she assumed it was a matter of good manners not to kick a woman in the stomach in most scenarios. It didn’t matter now, in any case. She closed her eyes as she pressed her muzzle into her sore side, each second stretching into eternities as she waited. Nothing. No answer. Darkness that stretched above her like a looming predator, waiting to strike her down and consume her.

Finally, her foal kicked, her heart jumped, and the monster dissipated in an instant.

[Brennen]

WINNER: Traton

Traton

Attacks & Defenses (-5/+5):+3 average of all posts
+, -, or / Were attack(s), defense(s), and movement(s) understandable? (Did the player use directional cues like right and left, was the horse in the right position to make that attack, etc.)
+, -, or / Would the attack(s) have been effective? (If the horse is aiming to cripple their opponent, they wouldn't bite; if they are are trying to distract or bruise they might bite, etc.)
+, -, or / Were the attack(s) and defense(s) described well? (Specific area they are aiming for why they are aiming there, etc.; this does not require specific anatomy but rather, you are aiming for the shoulder to hinder movement, biting to distract or bruise, etc.)
+, -, or / Were the defense(s) reasonable? (Did the horse take an appropriate amount of damage?)
+, -, or / Did the damage taken and previous damage/injuries taken affect the horse’s decisions and movements adequately?

Post 1 (+2) charges at opponent, feints as if to rear and then bites at left foreleg
+
/
+
/NA
/NA

Post 2 (+4)takes kick to jaw and bite to withers, and then tries to move away but is kicked in the ribs; tries to get ahead of him and kick at his wing joint
+
+
+
/Definitely get hit, because that’s part of it, but I would try and at least avoid some things, rather than just take the full brunt of every attack
+

Post 3 (+3) moves forward and slightly away to lessen kick
+
/NA
/NA
+
+

Realism (-2/+2):+0.33 (average of the below, max of 2 as not all elements need to be present in all posts, should include at least 2 elements per post, however)
+, - or / Were stats of each character taken into account? (How big is your opponent, do you know their build, experience, traits, etc.)
+, - or / Was the landscape used? (if it's raining, the footing will be muddy and effective movement. if it's winter, the ground might be ice covered, etc. these things can be used in attacks/defenses)
+, - or / Were traits used reasonably and within their limits?
+, - or / Was there anything in particular that stood out in terms of realism, good or bad?

Post 1 (0)
/
/
/
/

Post 2 (+1)
+
/
/
/

Post 3 (0)
/
/
/
/

Creativity (-2/+2):+1.67 (average of the below, max of 2 as not all elements need to be present in all posts, should include at least 2 elements each post, however)
+, - or / Did the horse give a sense of their emotions/reasons/feelings throughout the battle? Do you have a sense of their personality?
+, - or / Were the attacks/defenses creative and interesting?
+, - or / Was there anything in particular that stood out in terms of creativity, good or bad?

Post 1 (+2)
+
+
/

Post 2 (+2)
+
+
/

Post 3 (+1)
+
/
/

Grammar (-3/+3): +3 (total from below 3 elements)

Grammar: (-1/+1): +1
- Were there consistent (i.e. More than two typos in one post, or sentence fragments in every post) grammar issues or typos? If yes, -1. If no, +1
Readability: (-1/+1): +1
- Were the posts easy to understand? If yes, +1. If no, -1
Powerplaying: (-1/+1): +1
- Was there powerplaying? If yes, -1. If no, +1

Outline specific instances of issues for critique; I liked the attacks, it felt pretty clear the whole way through, but maybe work on defenses.
Rubric Total (sum of above sections): +8


Belgaer

Attacks & Defenses (-5/+5): +3 average of all posts
+, -, or / Were attack(s), defense(s), and movement(s) understandable? (Did the player use directional cues like right and left, was the horse in the right position to make that attack, etc.)
+, -, or / Would the attack(s) have been effective? (If the horse is aiming to cripple their opponent, they wouldn't bite; if they are are trying to distract or bruise they might bite, etc.)
+, -, or / Were the attack(s) and defense(s) described well? (Specific area they are aiming for why they are aiming there, etc.; this does not require specific anatomy but rather, you are aiming for the shoulder to hinder movement, biting to distract or bruise, etc.)
+, -, or / Were the defense(s) reasonable? (Did the horse take an appropriate amount of damage?)
+, -, or / Did the damage taken and previous damage/injuries taken affect the horse’s decisions and movements adequately?

Post 1 (+2) side-steps away, reaches out to bite at her withers, then turns to kick at her
+
+
/Remember to describe why you’re trying to attack a certain place
-Be careful not to powerplay; she didn’t say she tripped and you can’t say it for her
+

Post 2 (+4) jumps forward to move kick from wing to barrel, turns at kicks out at her in response
+
+
/Still could use some “whys” in the attacks
+
+

Realism (-2/+2):0 (average of the below, max of 2 as not all elements need to be present in all posts, should include at least 2 elements per post, however)
+, - or / Were stats of each character taken into account? (How big is your opponent, do you know their build, experience, traits, etc.)
+, - or / Was the landscape used? (if it's raining, the footing will be muddy and effective movement. if it's winter, the ground might be ice covered, etc. these things can be used in attacks/defenses)
+, - or / Were traits used reasonably and within their limits?
+, - or / Was there anything in particular that stood out in terms of realism, good or bad?

Post 1 (0)
/
/
/You mentioned your trait but then didn’t end up using it for anything? I was a little confused
/

Post 2 (0)
/
/
/
/

Creativity (-2/+2):+2 (average of the below, max of 2 as not all elements need to be present in all posts, should include at least 2 elements each post, however)
+, - or / Did the horse give a sense of their emotions/reasons/feelings throughout the battle? Do you have a sense of their personality?
+, - or / Were the attacks/defenses creative and interesting?
+, - or / Was there anything in particular that stood out in terms of creativity, good or bad?

Post 1 (+2)
+
+
/

Post 2 (+2)
+
+
/

Grammar (-3/+3): -1 (total from below 3 elements)

Grammar: (-1/+1): -1
- Were there consistent (i.e. More than two typos in one post, or sentence fragments in every post) grammar issues or typos? If yes, -1. If no, +1
Some typo issues in 2nd post
Readability: (-1/+1): +1
- Were the posts easy to understand? If yes, +1. If no, -1
Powerplaying: (-1/+1): -1
- Was there powerplaying? If yes, -1. If no, +1
In post one, said she tripped even though she didn’t say that

Outline specific instances of issues for critique; I would love to see more “whys” of attacks/more description of attacks. Be careful of power playing.
Rubric Total (sum of above sections): +4