WE BOTH LOST THE WAR • Kagerus

[Smoak]

Smoak's spirit has lifted since his early morning departure from Hyaline. He had left the sanctuary feeling broody and sour, trudging along lost in thought until he had reached the Field, of all places. He'd only ever visited a handful of times, and never had any of those visits been particularly significant, but the young stallion's legs had led him there nonetheless. His meeting with Nymf had been pleasant, though unfruitful at least in regards to his search. But on his return to Hyaline, just as dusk had begun to fall, Smoak found that he was feeling a bit more cheerful, and a small part of him was hoping that he would see the winged mare again soon.

It's a different winged woman that usually holds his attention, and Smoak searches for her as he passes over the border of his home. The branches have begun to bud and bloom, making it more different to search the sky for the blue-tinted pegasus, but they are a pleasant and welcoming sight. Smoak sighs comfortably as he continues beneath the canopies of red maple and purple wisteria, emerald eyes taking a few moments to appreciate the vibrancy of the blossoms.

When he peels away from the forest and into the clearing that houses Hyaline's crystalline heart, his eyes do not fall on Solace beneath the orange twilight sky, but on the overo bay that Solace had named Queen the morning after his return. Kagerus. The champagne stallion balks for a stride, his hooves falling heavily, before he sighs under his breath and continues towards the lakeside, though he does adjust his path so that he will not end up quite so close to Hyaline's newest Caretaker.

He wades into the water until it laps at the bone plates above his knees before lowering his golden head to the surface and drinking the water as the light from the setting sun dances across it like orange and red fire, careful to keep his gaze averted from the horned mare in hopes that he can pretend that he has not seen her.

S M O A K
here's a handshake, soldier, 'cause we both lost the war

thanks evvie !

@[Kagerus]

[Kagerus]

kagerus

and in my dreams, i kissed your lips a thousand times

Emotionally overwhelmed as I am, I still find myself undeniably happy as spring unfolds across Hyaline's mountains. With two of the three councilwomen birthing children this spring, one of them being my mate, things have been incredibly real and fresh. More often than not I find myself at Solace's side with our children, and as they slowly wean off of her, she leaves me to watch over them while she must be away on her Queenly duties. Of course, I too must leave her occasionally for those same reasons, so it's not one way or the other necessarily: but it is emotional. This is my second attempt at motherhood, not only with my adopted children but also with my firstborn son (if you can call him that - I did not birth him after all). The faint scent of Abysm lingers in Hyaline these days, and though we have only begun to get to know each other, I am hopeful that despite the drama and the unorthodox way of obtaining it, this family will flourish under our love and care.

At dawn, Solace presses a kiss to my lips and promises to be home before dark. Wishing the twins a heartfelt goodbye, the new mother spreads her wings and leaps from the opening of our grotto into the cool Hyaline sky. The three of us watch and call goodbyes to the pegasus as she circled one last time and then headed off to whichever duty called her away today.

"Oh, don't look so sad," I said playfully to the children, grinning at Clegane's flopped ears and the way Valdis scuffled her hooves. "I'm taking you to the lake today - c'mon!"

And so, undeniably excited and still quite clumsy as next-to-newborns, the three of us made a little trip down the easy slope of the mountainside towards the center of the kingdom. Clegane's smoky figure buzzed with excitement, while his golden sister followed with a mischievous smile. They are precious children, well behaved and so like their mother that it hurts - and although they are not mine, I like to imagine that they got their overo markings from both So and I.

We spend the day splashing and lounging, with me keeping careful watch over their water-bound movements and corralling them in the shallows for the most part. Young enough to still be obedient, it will not be long before my words have no sway over their actions - and not long after will Solace's authority over them fade, too. But I cast that thought aside and instead focus on the loveliness of this spring day, on the warmth of the sun contrasted with the coolness of the waters. Perhaps Abysm pops in to play, or perhaps today he keeps his distance; coming into teenagehood, my own beautiful son is allowed to be contrary and unpredictable, especially when considering how I'd treated him when he was the twins' age.

I'm just... I'm just trying to be better.

Solace comes as the sun drops sleepily from its high point, splashing into the water with a laugh that leaves my heart swollen and happy. I kiss her gently as she comes up beside me, feeling as if the water is truly a conduit for the electrical love we sometimes share - but at the sounds of disgust from the children, we pull away from the embrace with a knowing and sheepish grin. For a short while, the four of us swap tales of our day's adventure; but before long, the warmth of the sun fades and the kids start shivering. Come, says their mother; and with a kiss to my neck and a thank you for my day spent child-sitting, the three of them make the slow and sleepy journey back up the mountain. Warmth fills me and expands my chest as I watch them go, winking coyly at Solace when she looks back and whinnies goodbye - for now. These nights, we are never apart.

Sighing gently, I turn away from the sight of them and meander down the shore, thinking quietly to myself and enjoying the silence after a long day answering curious, continuous questions. Although it is not how I expected queenship to be, I find that I love this - this motherhood, this family, this life. It hits me then that I've just spent a day in the waters that I'd once tried to drown myself in - and Solace had been there to greet me with her love, instead of pulling me out with a terror unmatched.

How things have changed - how much healthier we have all become.

I am just turning back on myself to return to our grotto as the sun kisses the horizon, wanting to share the beauty of its orange and pink light with Solace as it reflects delectably across the lake's water. This is when I catch sight of the stallion, one I'd not met but who'd been present at my coronation. An indecipherable expression crosses my features as I struggle to decide just how to feel about Smoak - Solace had told me that she'd had a crush on him long ago, and that's about the extent of my knowledge of the champagne stallion. My wife's dreams seemed to hint towards something more than a crush, but I try to squelch any jealousy I feel in my stomach. After all, how could I feel more threatened by a child hood crush than by the man who sired my wife's children?

Well, it's not logical, but there you have it.

Sighing exactly as he does, I shift my trajectory just slightly so as better to approach him; how funny, that. Still, I don't consider that he may well be trying to avoid me until it's too late, and by now, we're both knee-deep in the chilled water. Well, not exactly who I'd intended on sharing this evening with; but Solace will understand, as she does all thing.

"Hey," I offer, a neutral expression carefully hung along my facial features. The scent of her, and her children, sits undeniably along my skin. "Smoak, right? I'm Kag."

*writes a novel*
@[Smoak]
Also, @[Solace] @[Aeris] (Valdis) @[Clegane] and @[abysm] all got a shout out in this post lol. Enjoy

[Smoak]

It comes as no surprise to the bone-armored Smoak that his fumbling attempt to avoid the new Caretaker of Hyaline has failed. There's a discomfort in Smoak's stomach as he struggles with how to feel about Kagerus ─ he is happy, of course, that Solace has found someone to love her the way that she deserves and that she can love in return, but his youthfulness and his ache for companionship rouse a jealousy within him that he had never experienced before. Smoak grits his blunted teeth together as he gazes out over the lucid waters with hardened hazel eyes. It could be easy for him to direct all of his negative energy at her, to be a product of Ledger's teachings instead of Dahmer's, but that is not him. No part of his parents' disappearance, or his own for that matter (maybe if he had stayed, it would be him at Solace's side), are this mare's fault.

He sighs again. An ear twitches in its bed of tousled mane as the water ripples behind him, the sound attached to the very bay overo mare he'd been trying to avoid. She greets him casually, coming into the water to match his depth but never truly invading his personal space. Smoak turns his hazel eyes and then, slowly, his head so that he can see the face of the painted woman. He nods his armored head to acknowledge her greeting before shifting his weight to view her more comfortably and the slosh of the water follows his movements. "Kag," he says simply with gruffness in his voice.

Awkwardness pools in his mouth, arresting the small talk that would have continued his conversation with Kagerus. Silence falls between them as his hazel eyes flick uncomfortably away from the mare and then back, his weight shifted again but this time out of uneasiness. Finally he finds his words after a long exhale, and Smoak offers the painted mare a small, forced smile. "So, congratulations are in order, yes?" he asks, though even he is unsure if he is referring to her coronation or her relationship with Solace.

Smoak makes a renewed attempt to repress his bitterness, even as he can smell the scent of Solace emanating from his newest acquaintance. "I apologize for not speaking with you following the gathering. I would like to hold rank in both castes, if that is okay. I would like to help as much as I can. It may just take me a little bit of time for me to be a healthy fighter," he admits in closing, remembering the hollows between his ribs and the way his champagne cheeks sink into his skull, both of which is knows that she gazes upon now.

S M O A K
here's a handshake, soldier, 'cause we both lost the war

thanks evvie !

@[Kagerus]

[Kagerus]

kagerus

and in my dreams, i kissed your lips a thousand times

I've no doubt that, had this handsome stallion stayed, he would have rightly stayed at Solace's side; and perhaps that is why my teeth grit in tandem with his, an uncomfortable knot forming in my stomach right where his does. For a fleeting moment as I wade towards him, I consider him compared to myself: tall and lithe, coloured elegantly, with green eyes that any woman would swoon at. Never mind the fact that he's her age, perfectly - and I am... Well, what am I?

Sixteen. Ten years their elder.

Pushing away that uncomfortable realization with a forced swallow, I haven't any more time to dwell on the intricacies of our coexistence here in Hyaline. Kag, he mirrors gruffly, eyeing me with disregard, though not blatantly. I can't blame him; if I'm being honest, I can't tell if I feel smug or intimidated in his presence. He had her first, but I got her in the end - it's all up to interpretation.

But just maybe... Just maybe there's something that'll connect us besides our love for a particular queen. Gods I hope so anyway, or else there's bound to be more than some conflict in peaceful ol' Hyaline.

A silence falls between us, and though I'm wont to break it, it's suddenly as if my mind's only thought is shiny bones. Shiny bones shine, bones shine, shiny outside bones, bones bones bones bones. It's not quite constructed enough for me to actually spew it out, y'know? So I'm forced to sit there, gnawing on our silence like a partially decomposed bone. Shit, I'm on about the bones again - it's just so weird to see them on the outside of a horse, unnatural. And my brain is trying to fixate on something besides the fact that he once held Solace's heart, so I can't really blame it.

"I guess so," I quickly offer when he finally finds Real Person words to break the silence. My words are a little tumbled, but they come along with a sincere and friendly laugh - maybe we needed the awkwardness to help us get over ourselves. "Thanks."

But his next words are formal, and I feel my spine straightening as he chooses to address me as a Queen instead of as someone he's getting to know. That's fine and all; I can't begrudge him that, after all it does fall within my duties as Queen Consort. Nodding, I consider his words with forward-pressed ears, maintaining eye contact even though it makes my skin itch.

"No apology necessary; we are a quiet kingdom, and activity at its slowest is appreciated. You may consider yourself officially instated in the ranks - recruit, challenge, steal, you know the gig." Or at least, I'm assuming he does. That could potentially backfire on me later, but who knows. "For right now, war isn't imminent, so you should have plenty of time." I offer him a smile, but it falters and fails as I realize that my next thoughts are coming too fast for my filter to catch them.

"So.. How did you know Solace, before?"

Fuck me.

@[Smoak]

[Smoak]

The silence makes him itch but still his brain can't find words. The only thing he can think about is the uncomfortably vibrating air between he and the overo mare until finally, somehow, he is able to spit out whatever thing he had said about congratulating her (he, himself, has forgotten what he had said in this odd state of anxious overdrive he is in). But at least he had thought of something that didn't involve asking her about Solace or offending her. Kagerus responds in short quips with bright, nervous laughter and his lips twitch into a smile that wants to show itself but is still, in a few seconds time, overcome by awkwardness again.

He nods acknowledgement of her thanks and then finds himself in another predicament ─ engage in personal conversation, to which the topic would undoubtedly turn to Solace? Or remain acquaintances only by way of herd politics and assignments? He opts for the latter, both because he'd rather not allow his mind to linger on his childhood love and because it feels good to involve himself in something that doesn't involve searching desperately for his missing parents. His bright eyes watch the painted woman and he balks for a second after he comments on how he would like to provide for Hyaline, curious if the expression that crossed her face so swiftly had been some kind of... disappointment?

He chews the inside of his mouth as he ponders this, as if the idea of them being close on their own terms was not something that had ever occurred to him as a possibility (admittedly, it hadn't). Nevertheless, Kagerus allows the conversation to go in the direction he had prompted it, leaving the bone-armored stallion feeling a bit more relaxed in her presence.

This is a feeling that lasts approximately as long as it takes for her to ask So... how did you know Solace, before? He expels a quiet snort as his eyes shoot back towards the mare, trying to discern her intentions with this conversation from the way she holds herself. But he finds no mal-intent, at least not anything blatant, and he forces his lips to press upward in a tiny smile. "We grew up together, in Tephra," he adds at the end unintentionally and he finds himself wondering if it had sounded like a jab, as if he thought she didn't know where Solace had grown up. "Lace, Svedka, and I. We were inseparable." Until he had left to search for his parents, but that is not a topic he'd like to share with the bay overo mare.

He thinks of the first time Solace had shown him her abilities. The light that ebbed from her had brightened the sky and it had brightened her, as if it had been the first time she had really believed in her own strength. He can still remember the breathlessness etched across her face as she'd turned around to face him, wide-eyed and proud. Smoak is truly smiling now, though when he notices it, he reels it back to a more polite, conservative expression.

Smoak clears his throat, not yet willing to share more than is necessary with Kagerus, but that leaves him feeling awkward again, and how else to fix that than by ─ "What about you? When did you meet?" ─ making things even more awkward?

S M O A K
here's a handshake, soldier, 'cause we both lost the war

thanks evvie !

@[Kagerus]

[Kagerus]

kagerus

and in my dreams, i kissed your lips a thousand times

He's trying just as hard as I am to overcome the awkwardness of our situation, but failing just as miserably, it would seem. His smile is handsome by all means, but it wavers just like mine, and we're left floundering momentary silence that feels more than eternal. The skin around his mouth stretches very subtly, and I realize that he's chewing on his lip - I can't tell whether that soothes me, or only ramps up my own anxiety. Taking a moment to compose myself, I sneeze quietly and shake out my mane, reminding myself that we're trying too damn hard.

Straightening, and feeling a little better while I do, it's not long before I go on and ruin my own groundedness with that godforsaken, impulsive question. Even Smoak reacts to it, shooting his gaze to me rapid-fire as if I'd asked him why he'd killed the gods and feasted on the marrow of their bones. Well, this is pretty much the same thing - fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, why did I ask that question? I almost step forward to reassure him that he needn't answer, my hoof actually physically shunting forward a half foot - but in my moment of hesitation the stallion picks up the thread of conversation I'd so carelessly left dangling.

Inhaling and trying once again to ground myself, I move my hoof back into its position, pretending that it'd never happened. Perking my ears politely - though I am genuinely interested, I'm a bit on autopilot as my brain tries not to explode out of sheer discomfort - I listen as he explains. There's even a tiny smile on his lips, but it's not hard to figure out that it's there for the exact same reason as why my ears perk. Nodding diligently at appropriate times, it takes me a hot second to actually process his words; and when I do, I find nothing offensive about them, indeed grateful that he hadn't cursed me out for prying.

"You were lucky to have such good friends growing up," I offer without actually thinking about it, allowing my conversational side to take over as I try to form something of an acquaintanceship with the handsome champagne stallion. "Until the reckoning, I lived exclusively with my father. He was a priest in a Kingdom before - and then we moved to the Amazons, the kingdom that Nerine is founded from." I smile to remember those times, eyes dropping to scan the waters in fond remembrance of my solitary childhood. As I'm remembering, an intrusive thought wonders if by admitting this, the stallion before me might have questions about my age; but so be it... Ten years older isn't too old to be Solace's lover, right??

Anyway.

"I never had kids my age to bond with." These words come quietly from me as my nutmeg gaze lifts to his piercing green one, a soft and true smile upon my lips. "I'm glad that you all had one another. I'm close with the twins - and I'm glad to be getting to know you as well, Smoak."

Feeling as if we've made some progress with this last exchange, I settle my weight gently into a hip as the setting sun casts an array of colours upon us. When he lobs the same question back at me, I am almost expecting it; instead of finding myself panicked, I simply take a moment to collect myself and my response, hoping that he will understand and be feeling more relaxed, as I am.

"Well, when I returned from the Beyond and found myself in post-Reckoning Beqanna without my father, I came here, having heard that it was a sanctuary." My eyes go to the grotto where Solace and her children rest, smiling despite myself, though I quickly return my gaze and soften the all too happy expression. "I met her that day - she welcomed me into the kingdom." Yes, it certainly hadn't been love at first sight - that much I know. "Later on, I found my father and he came here with his wife. I settled into my duties as a diplomat, and then warrior, become more and more depended upon until the coronation, which we've discussed." Feeling as though I have perhaps overshared, I finish my spiel with a smile, casting my gaze downwards in the hopes to avoid catching exactly how he feels about all I've said. "It's been a long journey, but I'm grateful for this kingdom and for Solace to lead it with."

After a pause, I lift my eyes again, steeling my guts as I consider the man gently. "I don't know if it's what you want to hear - but she did love you. I can see it in her dreams... I am a manipulator of them, is how," I offer hastily, not wanting to confuse him on top of everything. "Thank you, for being her light - for being such an integral and warm part of her childhood." Because I love her, I do not say, though my eyes speak volumes as I gaze towards him; And that you could love her in my absence is a gift I will always, always treasure.

@[Smoak]