"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
She healed them. Of course she did, she would always heal them. Anyone. Everyone.
Leliana's talk of loving him hurt so deeply. He didn't deserve her. He knew it, she had to know it too. She must. And then Heartfire only making it worse, as was her way. "It was not your love I was speaking of, Leliana." If nobody wanted him to be with her, why did they continue to come after her to get at him? Why did they continue to use her as a weapon against him? They were the ones hurting her, using her this way. Of course he would come, he would always come to protect her. Always.
"You cannot tell me to 'get the fuck out of here.' Though I'd certainly love to see you try." Disembodied and then gradually more present as his master, owner, mentor appeared.
Ah, fuck.
He forced his head to bow stiffly, his teeth clenched tight and shoulders pinched. It wasn't long before Ashley was pushing him out of the way, inserting himself next to Leliana where Dovev belonged, and for a moment he fought against it, shoved back, his eyes blazing and raising to challenge him. But, he was of course, the magician's subordinate, and with a furious glance from him to Leliana, he finally relented and stepped heavily, reluctantly aside.
Ashley watched him as he crooned to Leli, his mouth uncomfortably close to her and stoking the rage in Dovev to beat wildly against its cage. His body trembled under the pressure, desperately holding himself in place even as his heart singed and burned and screamed to watch him be so intimate with her. Ashley was pushing him, mocking him. Dovev was worthless. Dovev was nothing.
Yeah, loud and clear.
"You don't deserve her. But for whatever reason, her love for you is unconditional. And it will kill her."
Fantastic. More blades driven into him, twisted and jerked to cause him the most pain. Nothing would ever be enough. It didn't matter that a past he couldn't remember, was no longer a part of, came and harmed her first. It didn't matter that it was out of his control, that he tried to protect her. It didn't matter that he tried to right it when he could, only to have more unexpected pain thrust on the both of them as his own child drove a wedge between them and a stake in his heart.
It never mattered that he'd never wanted any of this. That he'd never wanted anything to ever harm her.
He didn't matter. Nothing he did mattered, nothing he said mattered.
"He's right, you don't deserve her. I will leave, but you must leave too." Yeah, he gets it. He is horrible, worthless, and he doesn't deserve her. He is nothing.
Nothing.
His eyes flickered to her as she spoke, then to Ashley, then down. The muscle in his jaw twitched. He hated to be lowered so much that she believed she could order him about as though he were her dirty slave to command and not the intensely-trained soldier that belonged to the formidable magician. He was not the bootlicker he'd first begun as, he was a lethal weapon and if commanded, he would kill anyone without hesitation, without question. Ashley was all-knowing, he would not lead him astray.
He just wouldn't respect him either.
He was nothing.
I'll take my bow, I won't make a sound I whisper truce as the ashes hit the ground
Leliana turned into him and sobbed. Ashley felt himself being drawn into her warmth and allowed the sensation of her tears to soak into his skin. Her tears—they burned him. He could feel every last pain and memory—all the healing that she had done… he took it all from her. She could not contain it any longer; could not bear it on her own. Such a gentle soul had taken on more than she could handle; had tried to save something that was self-perceived to be broken beyond all recognition. Heartfire had given them a reality that was not their own. He had one for Leliana alone—soft images of the pink and purple and blue borealis lights, dancing in her mind and before her eyes. He generated, if she was willing, a warmth. The rememberance of what unconditional love brings to a soul, and what it can mean to be truly loved. He does not move from her side, but attempts with his magic to quiet her sobs and her mind with peace, and reassurance that the world was not as bleak as it may currently have percieved.
To Heartfire. “The by your leave is not necessary, I assure you. You only want what is best for the girl, but let me assure you—having lived for more than my share of lifetimes—that love can indeed hurt. And it can kill. And by the two souls inside your womb, I daresay that they will show you the new meaning of how love can be painful—because there is no other kind of love more painful than the love of a parent. Please, stay, and look after her.” He looks from Heartfire, to the young pup, and back again. “Because Dovev is going nowhere.”
Ashley’s body trembles with the anger at seeing the young man, looking into his mind and fishing for images, thoughts and places. “You are not nothing, Dovev. That is a shitty excuse. For a man who has nothing, you certainly have a lot. You have her, and she believes in you—that is a hell of a lot of something.”
More magic.
Ashley plays with Dovev’s mind, running through the images of the many times that they had trained on the field, and on the plains, and in Ischia. Exercises of strength and power. Memories of Cerva. Of Atrani.
Of Leliana.
He whispers inside the boy’s head, the challenge in his eyes softening, but still hard, almost daring him to refute the statements he has made, urging him to drop his fight, and simply be.
“When will enough be enough for you, pup? When will you learn that what I have taught you was simply so you could be happy?”
and the girls caressed me down ughhh that's that lovin' sound
I waited for something and something died so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived
All she had wanted to do was sleep.
She had come to the forest to try and get away from everything, to try and find a space where she could breath without being smothered by memories. She had come to try and find solace, to find some measure of peace. She had not asked for Heartfire to come to her, to pry into her mind, to ask intrusive questions, to reveal secret relationships to her. She had no asked for Ashley to come and protect her. She had not asked for any of this. All she had wanted was a moment to breathe, to heal, to knit herself together.
She pulls from Ashley as he snarls at Dovev, confusion racing across her features, turns her hazel eyes to Heartfire as she spits venom. By her side, her wings shift, turning from that hard copper to something darker—to obsidian feathers and then onyx leather, the ridges of them shifting to ivory, the places in between spotting with the blue of the constellations. She feels Ashley’s magic twist within her, easing the worst of her hurt, the memories of the ribbons of color in the sky racing through her memory.
“I am not something to be deserved,” she says quietly, her gaze finding Heartfire. The same mare who had ripped her open, who had prodded at her, who had sought her out to pour salt into her wounds. Still, there is no heat in her eyes—there is no malice. She is calm again, the tears drying on her cheeks, her shoulders straightening. She is stronger than this, she reminds herself. She is strong enough to bear this.
Her gaze then turns to the man of ginger. “And I don’t need someone to look out for me.”
It is suffocating, to be in the middle of this, to be pulled down, to have these strangers deciding things for her, pushing and prodding and manipulating her life. She longs for Exist desperately, longs for the shores of Tephra she had so foolishly left behind—for the world she knows, the home she loves.
What a fool she has been to run from it.
But that doesn’t matter. Nothing matters because from Ashley her eyes move to find Dovev, standing with a clenched jaw, his body tense, pain apparent in his every muscle. She could hate him, she thinks. She could loathe him for dragging her into this, for igniting this fire in her life that has nearly razed her clean. Those white-hot flames that have incinerated that life she had, that life she had known. But staring at him, studying him, she can’t find it. She can only feel love, can only feel grateful for every moment.
She could have gone her entire life without knowing passion, and yet here it was. This exquisite pain was everything—it brought clarity, sharpness, joy. For every painful moment, there is a counterweight. For every memory she has of him running from her, she has one of him cradling her. For every memory she has of his daughter’s accusing face, she has one of him, crushing her to him. For every barbed word or weighty silence, there is his voice, the way he cradles her name as if it is something precious.
So, no, she cannot bring herself to hate him.
She never could.
“Thank you,” she finally manages, looking at them both. “I know your hearts are in the right place.” Or she hopes they are. She doesn’t know why Heartfire has done what she has done; why she has ripped her open, pressed upon her these truths she didn’t want to know. She doesn’t know why Ashley has comforted her, why he has come to rebuke Dovev. She doesn’t know, and she doesn’t care. She chooses to believe that they have good intentions. “But I need to ask you to leave.” Her voice is small, almost apologetic, but she doesn’t waver. She just shifts her attention to Dovev, aching with things left unsaid.
For a moment, her healing reaches out to him, sings through his veins, before she pulls it back and coils it in her chest. It is the lightest of touches, the only way she has of reaching out to him without them seeing, the only way she has of testing the waters. She has no way of knowing if he wants to be with her, if he even wants to face her after everything that has happened, but she has to try—she has to at least try.
“I need to be with Dovev,” a pause. “Alone.”
it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end
This is why she does not usually involve herself in the midst of such dramas. Oh, she watches. Quite voyeuristically. But she is a fly on the wall, a silent spy.
The emotions coursing through her are completely at odds with how she normally behaves. Not foreign, but unwelcome.
A sigh escapes her lips as she looks between the two men. They had truly mucked things up. Left on their own, Heartfire might have left Leliana a little sore, but perhaps a little wiser. A little stronger and a little more hopeful. Contrary to popular belief, her intent had not been cruel, merely curious. She would not have torn down. If anything, she would have built up.
Of course, Dovev could not leave well enough alone, and he had attracted the attentions of his master.
Men. The thought is full of disgust. They had come, thinking they could fix things when there had been nothing to fix.
The magician's words draw her attention, bringing her eyes to him. She frowns, blue eyes sharp, as the import of what he has said sinks in.
Oh, she knows love can hurt. She is far from naive. She experienced it herself, even had she not seen it enough to know better. But it should not hurt. This she knows too. No, what catches her off guard is his comment upon parentage. Upon the souls he can apparently see inside of her. A shiver races down her spine as her head jerks upwards, eyes crystallizing to a narrow focus as she peers at him.
But then she shrugs it off, like water cascading from her skin, as Leliana asserts herself. A coolness steals over her features as her gaze turns to consider the girl, the fire in her soul dimming to its normal hush. The regal bearing of a queen settles over her like a familiar cloak. She had been one for so many years, it is far easier to don than any other mantle.
And it has become so obvious her energies are wasted here.
There is a reason she doesn't usually interfere. There is also a reason she has sworn off loving again, and it is staring her in the face. She does not need to be bludgeoned with it to see the truth.
Instead, she becomes the Heartfire everyone else knows, chilly and confident. She dips her head slightly in Leliana's direction, acceding to her wishes. The girl had made her choices, and Heartfire is content to allow her to live with them. Her help had been rebuffed anyway.
With one last, lingering look at Ashley, she slips gracefully around Leliana. She eases along Dovev's bony side, lips tracing a light caress along his hip, back, shoulder. There is no forgiveness in the touch, despite its gentleness. Only warning.
Instead, when she reaches his ear, she whispers softly ”You could have so much more, if only you were brave enough to reach out and take it.” before turning to go. Her parting wisdom.
And indeed, it's true. He could have had her, only a short time ago, had he been brave enough. He could have Leliana with but a crook of the proverbial finger. It doesn't matter if he is worthy or not. All that matters is what is, a fact he seems unable, or unwilling, to comprehend.
heartfire
i filled up my senses with thoughts from the ghosts
picture c Petrova Julia.N
Theoretically this is before Heartfire got knocked up (darn timelines, lol), but since it's ~*magic*~ hopefully this is ok
He listened, but he didn't really hear, as Ashley spoke. He hated this. He didn't want to be here. He'd only wanted to run her off, make her leave Leliana alone. And then he'd be gone too, he'd leave her alone too. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to see them. He just wanted to be away, away. So far away. He should ask for his freedom. No, he had no purpose without the man and his brand. He was nothing, so lost. Cerva had been his whole reason for being; now gone. Atrani, gone. Everyone gone.
He had nothing, was nothing.
His mind focused at the use of his name. "Dovev is going nowhere." Well, at least Ashley wasn't allowing someone else to command him, he supposed. But then he continued speaking, laying bare all of Dov's inner thoughts and emotions to everyone who already thought so little of him, and he wished they didn't have to hear that he thought so little of himself, too. His face flushed and he turned away, couldn't look at them, any of them.
"You have her, and she believes in you -that is a hell of a lot of something."
But he doesn't have her. He may never have her. And maybe that was for the best, for her best.
And then his mind was borrowed, and his eyes were forced to meet the magician's as he guided through memories and showed him things that were never truly far from his mind. At first, his face was blank, simply allowing and accepting this. But gradually it turned pained, moisture glittering in his dark eyes, and he wanted to fight against having to see all of this again; his Cerva, his daughter, the power and training he'd been gifted with to protect them. Leliana. His failures. His love.
When will enough be enough for you, pup? When will you learn that what I have taught you was simply so you could be happy?
He closed his eyes, swallowing against the heartache, and turned his head away again. He remained that way even as Leliana spoke, and when she asked them to leave, it hurt, but he didn't even hesitate to do as she wished. He wanted the hell out of there, too. So, he began walking away, only to stop in his tracks and stiffen when her warm magic trickled in, then completely melt into it.
It wasn't much, but it was perfectly effective as though she stroked fingers down his cheek, under his chin, and his face turned to follow that retreating caress of magic as his eyes slowly opened to meet hers. "I need to be with Dovev. Alone." He felt the pain of hope burn in him and his heart flinched, squeezed. He shouldn't stay, he shouldn't stay. He'll only hurt her more somehow, just by speaking, just by breathing. All he was, was pain.
A touch at his side expanded his awareness with a sharp inhale, jerking his head around. Don't touch me, you can't touch me, his mind snapped silently at her, a useless warning unheard. His heart immediately thundered at the soft brush of lips against his bare skin, his darkness seeping in, and he focused on her, watched her as she trailed over his hip, along the stretch of his back, the curve of a sharp shoulder. He remembered that day, very clearly. He remembered she took Leli's face and color. He remembered telling her to change back to herself.
"You could have so much more, if only you were brave enough to reach out and take it."
He smiled slowly at her whispered challenge, despite that they were at odds for the time, despite that he attacked her. But he said nothing. Because she already knew bravery wasn't a problem. She already knew he would reach and take her, he would gently coax that fleeting warmth back into her eyes and burn her skin with desire.
And then she left and he was walking purposefully to Leliana, black eyes intent on her as he stepped into her without askance, stole from her as he always did an embrace he'd been aching so long for. Let her shove him away if she must, he would have at least this. He could survive on this, he lied, as his nose buried into her dark crimson hair and he breathed her, starved for her scent. Leliana.. he breathed in longing. He'd take this, just another memory if it had to be. He might be forced to leave, she might make him leave.
But he could never truly let her go.
I'll take my bow, I won't make a sound I whisper truce as the ashes hit the ground
I waited for something and something died so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived
Leliana doesn't notice when Heartfire or Ashley leaves, not really. She feels a twist in her gut when she watches the mare sidle up to Dovev, whisper in his ear, but she ignores that. Ignores all of the pain that has been building inside of her and splintering her apart, all of the ways she has let it swell within her. She has been drowning in this, giving herself over and over again, berating herself for things outside of her control. She will die from this love, Ashley had said, and she knows that is somehow true.
She will die from this love, but she is okay with it.
Because before she knows it, they are alone and, for the first time in what seems like hours, she can finally breathe. She inhales deeply and then exhales slowly, time moving like honey as he bridges the gap between them and pulls her close. She folds against him in the only way she knows how, her body so familiar to the sharp angles of his own. Her wings, still mirroring him, shift up and then out, folding over his back as she has done since the first time they lay together, two strangers colliding in the heavens.
Her head turns and her lips find his jaw, tentative because of how much is broken between them, because of how impossible their love is, and yet certain because her love has not been destroyed in this fire but forged in it. "Dovev," she replies, her voice soft, bruised. She is enveloped by him, drowning in him, and she doesn't care. She doesn't care that he is the saltwater rushing into her lungs, because he is the ocean. She knows what to expect. She knows what she loves. He is the stars and she loves him for his brilliance, but she knows that her fingers will be burned and her palms singed until she turns to ash and dust.
She loves the wild in him, the sweet agony, and if he is the dagger she dies upon, so be it.
There is joy that melts with anguish as she tastes him, as they hold one another like glass, as her velvet lips roam over the edges of his armor. So many have seen these angles of him, so many have felt the sharp cut of his desire, the fury of his burn. Her mouth finds his throat and then drops to his chest, lingering there above his heart. How many have known this though? That is what she craves the most.
"You are not nothing," she finally whispers, looking up so that her hazel eyes can find his own.
"You are everything to me."
it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end
She let him touch her, let him hold her. No, she welcomed it.
She melted into him and he could do nothing but just stare down at her behind heavy-lidded eyes and thick lashes. Her wings stretched and coated them, covered his back in a familiar embrace that felt so soothing and safe, and had his mouth reaching for her and barely brushing across her neck. How long had he wanted a moment like this with her again? It had never felt like the right time, not after everything. Even today hadn't felt like the right time.
But he was going to take it anyway.
She twisted, her lips tentatively seeking his jaw, and he closed his eyes with a soft exhale. She felt so good. He should tell her not to, though. He should. But she spoke his name, and the warning drifted away to nothing. He loved the sound of his name on those lips. So soft and not even a hint of the terrible blackness that infused it. He could pretend he was something better, just for a while.
And she roamed over his armor -ever-growing, ever-expanding- and his head tilted back as he soaked it all in. This was a dream, wasn't it? This wasn't really happening. She was so sweet, so perfect, and he was him. Cruel and twisted, dark and wicked. He would soil her with his filthy touch, and damn him for how he would love it. He'd hate himself, maybe she'd hate him too. But god, she felt so good.
Her mouth drifted to his throat -he barely strangled a soft moan, a quiet Hnnng- and she fell lower to his chest, just above that dark heart that was beating a little faster, thumping a little louder. You are not nothing. Warm, perfect eyes met his as he looked down to her, the heat already sitting there in the coal of his. You are everything to me.
His head dipped to hers, catching her mouth with his and coaxing her higher with the taste of sweet kisses. Higher, and then back, and back, and back. So slowly he guided her, pressing kisses to her lips, both soft and firm, until she was backed to one of the many strong trees. He pushed further against her, just briefly as his face was rested with hers, his mouth so close with shallow breaths.
I'm no good for you, he swore softly, trying so hard not to think about kissing her more.
He should let her go, just let her go. Trapping her this way shouldn't feel so good. She had no idea what she was getting herself into, not with him. God, but he could remember the sound of her ragged breaths as he'd touched her, her helpless whimpers as he'd showered her in kisses and taunting little bites. They'd almost gone too far that night. He'd almost ruined her beyond repair. And he still wanted to.
You should be running from me. But he doesn't give warnings, does he? And he pressed more firmly against her again, his head tilting to take the flesh of her neck in his mouth. She tasted so good, so delicate and hot. Don't touch me, he was always demanding. Don't touch me, he was always warning. He pushed off her, backed off her, stared so deeply into those eyes with his pulse roaring, blood rushing.
Touch me. He begged.
I'll take my bow, I won't make a sound I whisper truce as the ashes hit the ground
even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through every bone screaming I don't know what we should do
She softened, melted, beneath his touch, forgetting for a moment everything broken between them, everything shattered and piercing and anguished. She let go of her hold on everything that was so terribly wrong—everything that would eventually kill her, a silent toxin in her bloodstream. Because this is what he was. This is what he did. He consumed and left nothing but ash in his wake. He took and he devoured. She knew that, in some distant part of her mind. She knew that. She knew that while this was so precious to her—so fragile and pure—it was not the same for him. His was the only mouth she had felt, and she was but one of many. It was the hard truth of the matter, but here now, she couldn’t bring herself to care.
For once—oh, for once—she was going to be selfish.
Thick amber lashes fluttered down over her eyes and she sighed into him as her mouth caught his and she offered no resistance. She stepped back at his prompting, her mahogany body coming to rest against the bark of the tree. Her eyes opened and they were hazy, blurry with all the emotion swelling within her. “It doesn’t matter,” she shook her head, because she didn’t care. She didn’t care that this love would kill her. She didn’t care that she would drown in it, that this same touch that set her on fire would undo her.
“I’m not running,” her voice throaty, looking up at him with the crimson of her hair falling back to leave her face open and clear. She had run before. She had left him even when all she had wanted was to stay, when all she had wanted was to let the river of this run over her and pull her under. She had done what was right, turned her cheek to her own desires, but not tonight—not after everything. She deserved this. She deserved just a brief respite, a chance to know what this meant, a memory to lock away and savor.
At his prompting she stepped and reached out for him, tentative and gentle, exploring his forehead, his temple, his cheek. Her mouth swept under his jaw and found the corner of his mouth. She breathed out, teeth finding the velvet of the skin there and biting softly, pulling and tasting the salt of him. Her exhalation was shaky, a tremor running up her spine as she found his gaze again, holding it silently for a second before whispering. “I don’t want to sleep alone tonight, Dovev.” Just one night, she lied.
All she needed was just a few more hours with him.
"It doesn't matter. I'm not running." She didn't really understand, did she? He was so bad for her. He was impossible for her. She was the angel, and he was her fall from grace. As his eyes slowly drew along the line of her perfect jaw, he knew it for truth. As he memorized the depth of those eyes, the curve of those lips, he knew he was killing her just by being here. He was everything she should be afraid of. Empty promises, a devil's deceit, a magician's weapon.
He was her death hidden in love.
Touch me, he begged. And she did.
She was so gentle, so whisper soft. He almost thought like her heart, but that wasn't true, was it. Look at how much she'd endured thus far, how much his past, his actions and inaction had put her through. And still she accepted him. And still she wanted him. That heart was the strongest he'd ever know. Was it strong enough, though? How much of him could she really take? Would the cruel, blackness in him fade, or would it consume her too. Or would he have to lie and hide the real him until it broke her completely. Until it killed her.
He almost shook his head, almost pulled away with all the doubts bearing down on him. He didn't want to hurt her. She'd already endured so much because of him.
But her lips were at his brow, and he closed his eyes as they passed to his temple, his cheek. He could barely breathe. She was doing it again, that thing she did. One moment he was burning so bright, so hot, then the next he was cooled for her, subdued under the water of her calm and steady touch. So much control, she wielded, and probably didn't even realize it. So much power it had briefly given to someone else to conjure her memory; the time when they were happy and holding each other in his dark home.
Her lips followed his jawline to his mouth, and he opened dark and lustful eyes to watch her as she tenderly bit the corner, took the sensitive velvet of him with a soft pull. His eyes flashed their heat again, held hers as she whispered to him: I don't want to sleep alone tonight, Dovev. And at least that was a promise he could keep.
He stepped into her, meeting is chest with hers as they had done so many times now. It felt so good, so right, to hold her this way. To cradle her against him where she was safe. Safe from everything but him.
His chin draped over her, rubbing light patterns across her spine in pensive silence. Every now and then his lips placed a kiss gingerly to her skin, then continued those slow little patterns. He thought of many things then. The bad and the unfair hardships he would bring her if they ever became something more. The gradual death of this gentle, beautiful soul. The good memories of her tucked neatly into his side, or the almost-fire he'd stoked to life in her eyes once. So close he'd come to taking everything from her, to breaking her like he had unintentionally broken sweet Cerva.
He shouldn't touch these sweet, kind hearts.
His touch shatters them, turns them to dust.
He shouldn't want to be with her.
Leliana.. But maybe now wasn't the time for heavy doubts. Maybe, for once, he could turn a bad memory into a good one. Another to keep locked safely away where he could remember every sweet detail. He pulled back enough to softly kiss her temple, then just below her ear. I'm yours, he whispered. For tonight he was hers. For tonight he would take what he shouldn't and hold her like she deserved. And tomorrow...
Tomorrow, she'd be safe again.
I'll take my bow, I won't make a sound I whisper truce as the ashes hit the ground
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