"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
It's easy to forget ourselves in the darkness. It's easy for me to forget that we really only are siblings and not the two torn parts of the same soul. He says he loved me that first moment in the cave and my heart stuttered in my chest. He loves me now, loves me even after baring his darkest emotions. He's rubbing his cheek against my mane, against my skin. It makes my heart ache, although I'm not exactly sure for what. More of him? More touches? More kisses? More love?
I don't know and it's frustrating not knowing. I love him. Love him with all of my being and maybe it's something more than just love. Maybe...
But I don't allow myself to think down that path. I doubt he feels anything more for me than brotherly affection. Isn't this what siblings do? Offer comfort and unconditional love? Yes, I will just keep telling myself this..
I smile as his words stutter from his lips. As he attempts to drag himself through his thoughts and get them all out there so I could see what he wanted. He also seems a little nervous...which is absolutely adorable and I can't help but touch my lips to the hollow next to his cheek. I smile against his skin there. I don't say anything until he is done.
Probably because I am in a little bit of shock that he absolutely wants me there with him too. My heart liquefies, becomes this puddle in my chest that I don't even know what to do with. "Nevi." I say, almost breathless with emotions crowding my voice. I try to clear them away, force myself to actually, hiding away that little part of me that wants to love him so much more than a sister. "I would love to do that! That would be so great. Can you imagine giving those babies all a home? Oh what I would have done to have a family earlier...." I trail off, my eyes glazing over for a moment as I remember the times before him, before he found me.
It had been incredibly lonely.
"The Tundra is no place for a girl." I say with a small smile. "And I don't want to go to a kingdom. They aren't exactly for me. And a herd? Well not that either. But to go with you and make homes for those babies without? Yes, absolutely yes. That is the best idea." And I cannot help but brush my lips against his nose gently, my heart in my eyes. I hope to the gods he thinks it is because of this idea and he doesn't know how hard, absolutely I just fell for him in this moment.
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.
I know you're trying to fight when you feel like flying.
Her lips pressing just beside my cheek distract me from my stuttering explanation, and I have to stop myself from turning my face into hers, from pressing my lips against the corner of her mouth. From turning that gentle touch into something more. My breathing picks up as she smiles against my skin, and the way her lips move, so close to mine, makes my heart skip a beat. I may be able to stop myself from kissing her, but I can't quite help the way I lean into her touch just a little, the gentlest encouragement as my eyes drift closed, the better to feel her lips on my face.
Oh, and then she speaks. I stop breathing when her mouth leaves my skin. Just for a moment, my breath catches in longing and I barely manage not to step into her, closing the distance between her lips and mine. Her voice is charged with emotion, and I struggle to listen to her words instead of just watching the way her mouth wraps itself around them, shaping themw ith lips and teeth and tongue.
I nod, agreeing with everything she says before I even really process the meaning, too busy staring at her face in the dark to keep up. And then the words sink in, and I can feel my own lips curving slowly, so slowly into a smile more radiant than I've ever felt on my face before. “Really?” I ask, barely daring to say the word for fear of shattering the delicate, beautiful something taking shape between us. A future where we belong, her and me, and we make a place for other little lost boys and girls to belong too.
“Yeah, that's...that's part of why I don't feel like I fit here. Because...because what room is there for you, or for Mari or Lissie, other than belonging to someone and making babies? That's not fair. And it doesn't make sense, either. You're so much more. N-not that there's anything wrong with making babies.” Oh, I have never been more thankful for the cover of darkness than I am at this moment. Because the thought of what exactly that would entail has my heart hammering in my chest, sets my skin on fire, makes me duck my head and lock my eyes on the ground. What was she saying?
“Y-yeah. M-me too. I don't think kingdom life is for me. But. I mean, a herd. The right one. Where it's, you know, a safe place for kids without families. That sounds like...it sounds like something worthwhile. Something that would make me feel...less like I'm taking too much from the world, because I'd be doing something good too. Something beautiful. You know? It sounds selfish, but I think that it would help me a lot. To know that I was making a difference.”
Oh, her lips, they brush so softly against my nose, and mine ache to touch her. But no, no, she's just excited about the idea of us doing some good in this world, providing a home for abandoned children. That was an innocent little kiss, nothing more. She's your sister. So I smile back at her, thanking whatever gods there may be that the dark will hide the quiet yearning in my eyes long enough for it to fade. “I'm so glad you like the idea. It feels...it feels right, you know?”
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Surely that glint in his eyes had been only from the sun. He didn't feel the same for me. Who could? Or would? No, I told myself I wouldn't let myself think like that. I pushed those negative thoughts away, shove them right back down into the box that I liked to keep them in. He couldn't because he is my....brother. It takes a lot to say that word now, even here in my mind where no one else around can read my thoughts. I think I might choke on the word if I have to say it aloud. But surely he doesn't want my touch like that....
Don't make this awkward Lee. You just made the most progress with him you have done in your entire life. You have made him smile and seem more confident, even if he seems oddly nervous at the same time. His words rambling from his lips, but painting the best life I have ever imagined. I have thought so many times on what to do with my life, and adopting had always been an option. Hadn't I gotten so lucky? But the fear of doing it all by myself (I knew I could I was just a wreck on to how to be a good mom) was almost paralyzing.
The way he ducks his head when he talks about making babies makes my heart give a traitorous leap, just when I had hoped I could shove these emotions back down away for a while and just talk to my Nevi. No, he was just embarrassed over the talk of making babies. Obviously it wasn't something that we talked a lot about in our family, even if we knew that Dad and Mom were both making babies. Lissie didn't just come from the stork. He wasn't thinking of making babies with me, because that would be weird right? Weird because we are ....I can't even say it again. Because we are family. There.
Even if the same hot sensation runs through my body that ran through his.
"Oh Nev. I agree. I think it would help us both work through our lingering issues. I mean...I think I've gotten over mine for the most part but it would give me some purpose. We could raise them together and mess up together. It will be an adventure." And because I just can't help myself, I go back into his embrace. I wrap myself in a hug of his, and allow myself a couple quiet moments to gather these crazy emotions and put them back in check. I will the love, the yearning, the hope to fade, to keep this want, this need a quiet thing. I will it to go away.
I might as well be willing the impossible away.
"I love you Nevi." I can't help but say on a soft sigh, wanting to do more than press my lips to his spine. "It will be so perfect."
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.
I know you're trying to fight when you feel like flying.
Slowly, the fire beneath my skin fades into a gentle glowing warmth where she touches me. My racing heart eases, and I'm just holding onto my friend again, curled up in the embrace of someone I love, someone who loves me even when I am at my most broken. I know exactly what she means when she talks about our lingering issues. I almost laugh; it's such an understatement in my case. Still, I nod, a wry little half-smile curving up one corner of my mouth.
“I'm not...it's not something I'm ready for yet.” It's too soon, we're too young, and I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility. I'm still fighting not to be a shattered wreck of a boy most days, let alone a man responsible for a kid. Or kids. Their well-being, their safety, making sure they're okay. Helping them work through things that still haunt me. I'm not there yet. “But someday. It sounds...right.”
She sighs my name and presses her lips against my spine, and I try not to think about the warmth that radiates from her touch, or the way it makes my skin ache for more than that gentle, innocent brush of her lips against me. “I love you too, Lee,” I murmur, closing my eyes and resting my head on her back. “I'm so glad you like it. When we're older, and I'm...” A little less broken. A little better patched-together, a little more sure of myself and the love my family pours out at my feet with every breath.
“And I'll ask Argo, too, when the time is right.” He was never lost like we were; maybe he won't feel the same way. But the thought of leaving him behind makes my chest hurt, crushes my ribs against the still-jagged insides and slices me open. Not seeing his smile, not feeling the warmth of his body curling up against me, missing out on those playful touches or the light in his dark eyes...it makes my heart ache just imagining a life without him in it every day. I want him with me, or want to be with him. So I hope that maybe, someday...
I don't even know anymore, it's all too tangled up and confusing. I just hope, for once, without telling myself I don't deserve to. Without telling myself it's selfish or wrong. I hope for a day when life makes sense, when the yearning in my chest settles into something real, when the jagged edges smooth and I find peace in the touch of the people I love. For more than just a moment or two, more than just a breath.
