"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
And when all the lights are broken, You keep the fire going
Was there a softness to the redwoods? Yanhua marveled to himself as he walked among them, occasionally brushing his shoulder up against the roots of a giant as he passed them by. No. Their bark was bloodred and callous, unforgiving through the years and the seasons. Some - the weak, the young, the old - had been felled by a raging storm or disease, but these were few and their rotting wood only made the surrounding forest stronger for it. Yanhua felt a kinship to them. Like the trees of his homeland he was often mistaken for a weakling by his quiet, gentle ways. He was overlooked by most outsiders; just another northerner who kept to themselves.
But this northerner’s roots grew deep into the soil, and his mind was an ever-expanding canopy of thoughts and desires. His interaction with Hyaline’s shifters had enlightened him to the outside world’s perspective, and ever since returning home Yanhua had been spurred into action by their ill-formed opinions on himself, his brother, and Leilan. He saw now what he’d refused to see before - that change was necessary, growth inevitable, and unity more important than personal feelings. If he had been drawn in by Straia’s ability and yet disgusted by her conquest, by the unjust maiming of an innocent land, then what was he to do about it? What could he do about it?
So much, he thought. He must marry his desire with action, and see to it personally that Taiga would not be left unaware and stunted by her quiet simplicity. If not him, then who else?
Amarine, perhaps. Though busy raising their children while he went out to patrol (and simultaneously look for @[Borderline]) she’d been invested in his dream, nurtured it even. The once-Nerinian mare had given him the encouragement to make it a reality by involving herself when and where she could, and that one fragile thread of support had been all Yan needed. He smiled to himself, thinking of her and how they were both beginning to adjust to their unique style of parenting, while strolling the far southern edge of Taiga’s borders. Many ideas danced behind his eyes; he was mostly doing the rounds as a way of escaping into his mind. The potential of everything soon to come was overwhelming, but underneath it all he did have a recurring concern: where was Borderline, his mate? And their child - had she delivered the foal? Were they safe?
And when all the nights feel like they're closing, You're leaving an opening
12-02-2020, 09:54 PM (This post was last modified: 12-02-2020, 09:56 PM by Borderline.)
despite the overwhelming odds, tomorrow came
I had delivered the foal, a filly I’d named Memorie, with as much ease as any first time mother. It had been a quiet night, far from anything I’d ever considered familiar; far from home, far from Yanhua, but also far from the wretched world from which I’d come. Memorie was beautiful, with that same flaxen chestnut coat that Yanhua shared with his brother, and a blue tail, the perfect mix of both myself and her father. As much as I found her to be beautiful, I also found her to be a painful reminder of him, a secret I had buried deep within me, for I only ever smiled for her. I would not be anything like my mother, I’d already decided that long ago.
Still, as much as I smiled for Memorie, I frowned twice as often, for my heart hurt, and she was bound to notice. Though I told her it was because I was sad, I did not tell her why. One day, she might ask about her father, and then, I told myself, I would tell her, but I had stilled myself for the idea that I would raise her alone. Yet, as time went on, my heart did not heal. I became better and better about hiding it, but still, I grew more and more lonely, until finally I couldn’t bear it any longer.
“Memorie,” I gently cooed to the growing child, “My little love. We are going to go on a journey.” The foal had nodded, but said little, and so we stepped from the cozy little meadow that we had lived her entire life so far in, and began the long journey back…back to him.
The journey is long, but I keep myself occupied with the child, and during the nights I lay awake, restless with worry and dread. I rehearse the things I would say to him, whispering into the darkness for the world to hear while the Memorie slept at my hooves.
When we reached the border of Taiga, I could feel the emotions churning within me, boiling just beneath the surface so that my skin trembles, and I stop. The filly looks up at me, expectantly, and I have nothing to say. After a moment, I realize that I am holding my breath, so I release it in a hefty sigh. The child leans into me, recognizing the pain within, and I smile warmly down at her, nuzzling the top of her head where a soft tuft of mane tickles the underside of my chin.
I raise my head high and draw in a deep breath, taking in the wind for any signs of my “mate”, if I could even call him that anymore. If I even wanted to call him that anymore. Traces of his scent linger in the air, telling me he’s been past here recently, so I step out in the direction I suspect he’s gone. The filly follows quietly at my hindquarters, unsure of what to think. For a time, we navigate the massive redwoods on a trail I had grown familiar with, brushing against the ferns that line the path. Memorie seems unsettled by the ferns, but doesn’t say anything.
Then we come around a bend, and there he is.
I stop in my tracks, overwhelmed by the sudden rush of emotions that crash against the insides of my head like a rush of waves that sweeps me off my hooves in the ocean of pain and misery. The emotions were dragging me under, and suddenly, all that I had planned to say to him is lost in the current. I’m left standing there, looking like an idiot staring after him as he moved in the opposite direction from me. I would have to say something, otherwise he might not even know I was there, but I stand, paralyzed by the waves, unsure of whether I wanted him to see me after all.
But then Memorie, staring off into the distance as she follows behind me, bumps into me, and a startled, strangled sound comes out of her beautiful lips.
And when all the lights are broken, You keep the fire going
The irony of Yanhua’s inability to sense @[Borderline] coming home lay in the fact that he was usually perceptive, magically speaking. He could sense a hare’s distress nearly a mile away now, could read and recite his emotions to Amarine with hardly the blink of his eyes, and could just as easily block unnecessary ghosts when they needled at him from Taiga’s shadows. Emotional memories of all shapes and sizes were a specialty of his and he should’ve sensed Borderline’s traumatic memories of Tagia as soon as she’d come within range, but he was so caught up in his thoughts that Yanhua had hardly even noticed when she’d crossed his path from behind. He’d only heard the soft patter of her hooves; they were as dainty and light as a deer, and usually the more feral of Taiga’s creatures passed Yan by without a pause so he’d not thought to turn around and address Borderline’s presence, but a second later the eddy of her emotions stopped him dead in his tracks.
Yanhua’s entire body locked rigidly as the metaphorical wave of his past lover’s emotions rose above his head and came crashing down around him, and then his sight went totally blue. He was drowning in her despair, breathless underneath the weight of her crushing sadness that left him blind and tumbling without any sense of up or down. He couldn’t move at all, could only feel what his betrayal felt like to her and it ripped his chest open with an audible gasp, and then he came to again, blinking fresh tears out from the corners of his eyes.
“Borderline!” Yanhua gasped her name like the first breath of air after breaking through the surface of her torment, swiveling to face her and the filly standing by her rump with the swish of his glowing tail. All around them Taiga was silent, but between them was everything left unsaid since she’d gone and disappeared. He wanted to run to her, to wrap his neck around her own and pull her close in a warm embrace but her child - their daughter, Yan was sure - caused him to stop. The last thing he wanted was to terrify the girl.
“I know what you’re feeling.” He claimed, rightfully. “Yell at me, hate me, ignore me… I deserve it all. But please,” Yan frowned earnestly, “please don’t leave again.”
And when all the nights feel like they're closing, You're leaving an opening
There is a moment where I could tell he sensed me behind him. I could see the tension that seizes his body all of a sudden. I can relate, for my body had tensed up the moment I saw him, too. I thought I had prepared myself for this moment. I had spent almost the whole journey here steeling myself for it, thinking of what I might say to him, imagining how the conversation might go. Still, seeing him was a greater shock than I could have imagined. I stand, frozen, staring at the back of him. Suddenly, I realize that everything I had wanted to say to him had disappeared in that moment.
For a time, we are both suspended in my emotions, tortured by them. Then he says my name, and as he turns to face me, a wave of shock and pain ripples through me. I have the sudden urge to turn tail and run away again, but as I turn my head to the side, I catch sight of Memorie. She stands, her big, blue eyes looking up into mine, unsure of what to do or even think, and for a moment, I can see my pain reflected back at me. The look would haunt me, for it is the first indication I have that she might share @[Yanhua]’s gift of empathic echoes, but right now, she roots me to the forest like an anchor.
Choking back tears, I look back to the stallion, swallowing the large lump in my throat. “Yanhua,” I whisper. Tears spring to my eyes, unbidden, and spill from my eyelashes and down my face. I close my eyes and shake my head, backing up at the same time. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can do it. I repeat the words in my head, backing up another step. Memorie brushes against me, a comforting touch, and I stop. I open my eyes to see him standing there, his eyes pleading with me to stay, and the words that drop from his lips echo that sentiment.
“I…” I choke out, “I don’t know if I can do this,” I say, breathlessly. At that moment, I would have turned and run away, but Memorie presses herself into me, and I stop. For a time, there is an uncomfortable silence between us, and then I shift my weight to steady myself and then look him dead in the eyes. “Do you love her?” There is anger in my eyes, now, mingling with the pain.
And when all the lights are broken, You keep the fire going
This time, Yanhua was entirely caught off guard and thrown out of his element by the force of @[Borderline]’s emotions and the way their daughter, the little flaxen beauty, seemed to absorb them. His head was spinning, the world tilting around and around while his hooves were moored to the mossy earth. He saw them - the ghosts of the past, of his past - dancing like angry haunts at the corners of his eyes, twirling and slipping through the redwoods with their simpering laughs and their flashing eyes. Lilliana had always soothed him at times like these but now, Yanhua is a stallion grown and he finds his grip loosening on the reality of everything he’d built since that fateful childhood came to pass.
What had he done? Why had he done it?
Don’t worry about Yan, the wraith of his father taunted him - a memory nearly forgotten, now newly awoken, he’ll be plenty good at other stuff.
That had been his father’s decree, and that was what Yan railed against all these years; he refused the edict and the darkness in his bloodline, dispelled it with perseverance and nothing but a desire to be good, do good, until all of that was washed away forever. Until nothing was left but the stronger lines of chestnut horses with their blue eyes and their swift legs. Yet here was Borderline, staring him down and digging up those age-old fears with a single look. She took a step backwards and Yan jerked forward, stumbling to give chase even if he couldn’t see straight.
Above all else, he did not want to lose her again.
“Yes.” He blurted out, head throbbing. “I do; I love her.” The admittance came swiftly, followed by more. “In many, many different ways. Just as I love you for many different reasons too, Borderline. I NEVER wanted this to happen,” Yanhua paused to inhale, head lowering so that he could focus on the ground, “I never wanted to hurt you. I never thought…” He drifted off.
That it could happen? That he would resist emotional attachment and instead find himself caught up in more strings than he could manage to untangle? That not just one but two beautiful souls would come into his life and give him friendship, loyalty, and best of all: children?
“Don’t mistake my love for her as lost affection for you, Borderline.” He looked up, intensely serious. The world had stopped spinning and right at the center of it stood her and their daughter. “I never lost hope that I’d see you again, now here you are. If that’s not a sign… I don’t know what is.”
And when all the nights feel like they're closing, You're leaving an opening
A lot can happen in a matter of seconds. I can see it all in his face, as the weight of my emotions comes crashing down on him like an avalanche, burying him in sixty feet of ice, then washing him back up again, as if spitting him out. I can see it in his body, rigid and strained, almost to the point of shaking. Though I do not know exactly what rabid thoughts have ripped through his mind, I could tell it was breaking him, just as it had broken me to find out there was someone else.
A lot happens for me in those seconds as well. I feel awash with grief and despair, the pieces of my heart being torn to smaller shreds. I had thought what we had was special. I had thought that I would be the only one to share such intimacy with @[Yanhua]. It ached in ways that I never thought possible after having my heart broken by my own mother time and time again.
It doesn’t help to hear those words. I thought having the truth might set me free, but as he blurts out that he loves her, it is crushing. It doesn’t help to be told that he loves me, now. It just feels…empty. I didn’t have a lot of time with him. How could he love me for “many different reasons”? I find myself churning his words over and over again, analyzing them, reading between the lines, and perhaps heading down theoretical paths that proved dangerous and scary.
I shake my head, trying to distract myself, trying to remember everything I had wanted to say and everything I had wanted to ask. But those words, his admission, I couldn’t get it out of my head, try and try as I might. They circle around me like vultures honing in on their prey. I shake my head, no longer aware of the world around me, but rather thrown into a spiraling loop of terrible ideas and future possibilities that might come to pass.
Memorie presses herself close once more, and the touch of her little round belly against me becomes an anchor to which I cling, and slowly, agonizingly slow, I pull myself from the darkness that sucks me under. Again, only seconds have passed, but it feels like an eternity. As hard and painful as it is, I look Yanhua in the eye. “What do I mean to you?” There is no denying that this was a loaded question that might determine the fate of our relationship. It was there, in my eyes and in my heart for him to see, and I know he can see it. I don’t know what images it might evoke for him, but I know it is there, because I make it be there. So answer wisely, it dared him.
And when all the lights are broken, You keep the fire going
The echoes come slower now. He couldn’t see what @[Borderline] was theorizing, what paths she was wandering through in her broken and fragile mind, but Yan could see the reverberating moments of her past that mirrored what she was feeling now. He could see, clearly, the glimpses of images he’d always associated with depression, rejection, loneliness and heartbreak, and he met them all with his head risen and his mouth set in a solid, firm line. There was nothing to spin out of control; the worst of his fears had been uncovered and the verdict was hers to make now. Yanhua could do nothing but contemplate what he knew to be true: that he loved her, as much now as he ever had for whatever that was worth, and that he longed to comfort her even if she wished him dead on the spot.
“You were my first love.” He smiled slowly, unfinished. “A memory I can never forget. And then came her -” Yanhua nodded once toward Memorie, pained by the idea that their daughter might have to revisit this moment over and over again if she shared his gift. “- now you’re my future. My whole world, Borderline.”
Amarine… steady and knowing as she could be, wiser than Yanhua despite their similar age - she’d understand this. She would see the truth in his words, but for Borderline it might not be the same. He must prove himself to her now, be the change he promised right here in the slanting light of the overgrown forest. Time would aid him in these endeavors, but Yanhua had plenty of it. Borderline? He wasn’t sure. But for her - for Memorie - he would do whatever she asked, be whatever she needed in order to make that promise viable and believable.
He had lied to her once.
Never again.
“Will you stay?” He breathed gently, looking at Borderline. That was the least he could ask, no beg of her. That she stayed with Memorie here, in Taiga, so Yanhua could at least look out for them.
And when all the nights feel like they're closing, You're leaving an opening
The seconds ticked on, each one an eternity. And as I watched him, waited for my answer, I could feel everything. I could feel the wind gently playing with tendrils of blue mane against my neck. I could feel the warmth of the summer air. I could feel the tension that hangs in the air like static. I could feel the love for him that I still share. But most of all, I could feel the pain that had come of all this.
I stand there and allow him to spill his heart out, though it brings fresh waves of pain. He brings up Memorie, and as his gaze shifts to her, so too does mine. And although I appreciate the sentiment, it is not what I want to hear, because his relationship with her did not matter in my relationship to him. It should not factor into his desire to stay with me. Still, I wait. I wait until he is done, and then some.
How can I be his whole world? His world had just recently expanded to include three children for which his world should revolve around, too. And where did the other mare fit in? Surely, I couldn’t be his whole world. It makes his words feel like lies–like emptiness. In those seconds that follow, I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders. Breathing becomes difficult, a labor of love, if only for myself and the child that stands next to me.
Yet here he stands, professing to still love me, begging me to stay. And while I could find flaws in all of his words, they still have an impact on my heart. They still feel like steps to something that could eventually make me happy again. And so I wait.
I wait until my breaths have steadied once more. I wait until my heart is no longer trying to pound itself out of my chest. I wait until I feel like I can stand up straight and look him in the eye once more. His blue eyes stare back, pleading still etched into them. Memorie shares those eyes, along with so much more of him. I can’t help but wonder if a part of my love for her is what makes me believe that I still love him.
“I will stay.” I breathe. The weight seems to shift and then disappears. I am still hurt, but for now, things feel a little easier. It would take some time, and some work on @[Yanhua]’s part, but I would stay and try to make things work. “For now, though, I need time.” My heart would not heal overnight, but the world felt a little less lonely now than it had before.
With that, I turn from the stallion, and urging Memorie forward, I make my way back into the heart of the redwood forest.
