"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
I just know my eyes glittered in mischief and amusement when she peered up at me real close, her eyes narrowed just slightly in concentration. I almost laugh when she starts to talk and then I realize that, not only is she talking about me, she is also talking a bit about her own. I manage to keep the smile on my face and only when she turns out to look over the ocean does it slip away. I watch her for a quiet moment before I respond. “Or when you’re scared. Sometimes secrets are secrets because you can’t get up the courage to say something to someone else.” I tilted my head slightly to the side. “And maybe a little bit of everything you just said.”
“Maybe when there is someone you like, that gives you those nervous fluttery happy feelings in your belly. But you don’t know how they feel, so you keep yours all locked up.” My lips touch her cheek, my golden eyes on her, studying the way her body moves and the way her face responds to anything I say. I called upon all the years under Father’s watchful eyes. “Or when someone says and does something to you, you are not sure if you like or if you should be doing.”
“Sometimes the hiding of a secret can be more work than just saying the secret out loud.” I sighed softly, taking my own words to heart and soon, soon I would have to feel out Kerberos, just a little to see how it went.
But she shrugs and smiles, turning back to me and I smile softly in return. “You are absolutely right about that. Anyone that makes you feel less than you really are, can go to hell.” I tug lightly on the growing tendrils of her mane, sighing softly as I realized that she was growing and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. “I love you, Kali girl. I just want you to know that.” My lips finding her cheek again as I brush them across her face, my wing tightening around her ever so slightly.
Scared. Huh. Kali tilted her head and leaned in to take another long, hard look. Hard to get the courage up to say something, when there’s someone you like and you don’t know how they feel. Ohhh. Ohhh. Kali was distracted putting it together when Roma spoke again, watching her just as hard. “Or when someone says and does something to you, you are not sure if you like or if you should be doing.”
Kali stilled, a nervous flutter in her belly as her gaze darted down and away just for an instant. But they were talking about Roma, right? Right. So she let out the breath that had caught in her chest, and nodded. “Sure, or that, I guess. Sometimes maybe it’s hard to know what you’re supposed to or not supposed to do, when it’s stuff nobody’s told you about yet. Or when you’ve never done it before and it makes you all fluttery nervous.” Or when you really want to kiss someone’s daddy, who probably really likes kisses, but it’s still all new and maybe overwhelming?
But she didn’t say it, even if her eyes hinted, a sneaky little grin creeping onto her face as she just quietly looked at Roma. Kisses felt nice, sometimes really nice, and for sure Daddy would like to kiss her too. But Khari said kisses were secret, so she didn’t push, just leaned in and kissed Roma’s cheek. “I love you too, Roma. I’m really happy you’re living here, and that I get to spend lots of time with you.” Roma hugged Kali tighter with her pretty new wing, and Kali sighed a happy little sigh and rested her head on Roma’s shoulder, just like she’d done since she was very small. “You’re one of my very best friends, you know that?”
It didn’t bother me as much as I thought it might, letting Kali see pieces of what I was feeling. No, not bother, that’s not the right word. It didn’t scare me as much as I thought it would. All these what-ifs no longer bounding through my head as I watched her. Her sneaky little smile, telling me that she was having no problem putting together the small clues that I had been giving her.
Sneaky little imp.
She definitely took after her Dad.
I had not missed the way she stilled and then looked away at my last comment. My eyes narrowed slightly. My mind starts to run through the possibilities and I come up pitifully short with who it could be, at least who it could be here on the island. None of them are choices that I like, and all of them are choices that I would have no problem tearing apart, regardless of who they were.
“Sure, or that, I guess. Sometimes maybe it’s hard to know what you’re supposed to or not supposed to do, when it’s stuff nobody’s told you about yet. Or when you’ve never done it before and it makes you all fluttery nervous.”
I managed to nod. “Yeah, like that. Especially when it’s someone close to you and you don’t know if it should be allowed because you are so close to them. Or even if you should, cause you don’t want things to change from before.” When she turns to look at me, I smile a bit and then turn away, keeping the focus off her even if I wanted to watch and gauge every reaction that she had. She was smart, I didn’t want her to catch on too quickly that I was fishing for information. I kept everything I said vague and smile a small smile when I realized what I was doing.
Hadn’t I just said I hated spywork?
I sighed softly, adding a little extra oomph for it to keep her from thinking that I was talking about her. “Boys…am I right? They are so frustrating sometimes.” I say after a moment, laughing and smiling as I turned to look at her.
She was cuddling up to me and I sighed softly, happily. “And you are one of mine.” My lips finding her forehead.
Roma kissed Kali’s forehead, and Kali smiled, rubbing her cheek against Roma’s soft blue shoulder. “I don’t think boys are frustrating. Maybe a little...hmm...confusing sometimes? But not so much frustrating. Most of my best friends are boys. Khari, and Uncle Roo, and Amet, he’s really pretty with these cool scales. And of course Reilly and Baddie, they’re boys too. I don’t think I’ve ever been frustrated by them. Well. Maybe a little exasperated, especially by Dad. But only a little.”
She sighed and snuggled in, closing her eyes and just feeling the warmth of Roma beside her, of Roma’s wing draped over her. And then something she’d said made Kali’s brow wrinkle. “...hey, Roma?” she asked softly, hesitant. Anxiety tightened her chest, her belly, set her skin to prickling as she asked, “What do you mean, about things not being allowed because you’re so close to someone? Aren’t the people you’re closest to the ones you want to do new things with?”
Was that maybe what Khari was talking about? Why it had to be secret? That didn’t make any sense, who else would she want to touch her like that but somebody she was really close to? But if they weren’t supposed to for some reason, maybe that was why Dad would hate him, why they had to keep it secret. Maybe it was a bad secret, even if it didn’t feel bad at all.
Kali bit her lip and kept her face snuggled up against Roma’s shoulder, her eyes still closed so she didn’t have to meet Roma’s. So she wouldn’t see too much. Her ears flicked back and she tucked herself up under Roma’s wing; it felt a little safer tucked away there where less of her was visible.
“What do you mean, about things not being allowed because you’re so close to someone? Aren’t the people you’re closest to the ones you wantto do new things with?”
Her words made my stomach clench. I am quiet a moment before I turn an eye to look down at her as she cuddles as close as she can get. Her eyes are closed and her face is pressed into my shoulder, her body wiggling just a little bit deeper under my wing. I sigh softly, turning my head a bit more so I could look at her fully.
“Well, baby, it would depend on what kind of new things were going on. New adventures, new places, new things like that, well sure. Family, friends, they are all good people to have at your back as you learn new things. Friends are fun to experiment with. However, if it’s new emotions you need to trod carefully. Sometimes we will get this…funny feeling when we look at someone. And it makes your entire body all warm and tingly whenever they touch you. It feels so good that you don’t ever want it to stop…those new things are best done with friends you know well. Never family members, never someone random that you just met.”
My eyes find her face, still reading every little bit that I could even with her eyes closed and face pressed into my shoulder. I take a small breath, my lips touching her forehead, my wing curling around her just a little tighter.
Roma was quiet for a long time, but Kali could feel her eyes staring down at where she was tucked up beneath Roma’s wing, pressed against her and snuggled close, her face burrowed against Roma’s shoulder. Anxiety washed through her, a funny wave of warmth that started in her chest and radiated down her belly and out through her whole body. The question was a big one, and waiting for the answer made it hard to breathe.
“Well, baby, it would depend on what kind of new things were going on.” Okay. Maybe that wasn’t so bad. Kali relaxed a little, nodding as Roma went on. Right up ‘til she got to the part about new emotions. Kali stopped nodding, tensing up a little all over again as Roma described the same funny feeling she’d gotten when Khari had touched her. How different it had been, how new and warm and tingly and good.
“How come? Why not with family or someone brand new? Would that be bad?” Kali relaxed a little as Roma kissed her forehead, as her wing hugged her close, easing a little of the nervous tightness in her chest and her belly at the turn their conversation had taken. It was their secret, hers and Khari’s, their special little sneak away onto the water, and she wasn’t going to tell. But he wouldn’t explain why, so maybe Roma would tell her more.
And anyhow, he’d said it wouldn’t happen again, so even if it was bad, maybe it was only a little bad.
Her body tensing up under my wing, her muscles clenched against my sides told me so much. It had already happened. Someone had touched her. Someone she knew, likely someone here on this island. I resisted the urge to grill the answer out of her. One, I knew she was too stubborn and would instantly resist should I try. And two, I didn’t want to lose this with her. I didn’t want her to ever clam up and shut me out because of how I reacted to what she said.
“Well.” I start softly, hoping to whatever fairy gods were in this world that I treaded carefully through this quagmire. “Family should never, ever touch you like that. Family is for hugs and soft kisses that make you feel all warm and happy and safe. Family touches are for security and familiarity. They shouldn’t make you feel like you are standing on the edge of a cliff, a fine razor edge of emotions that you can’t feel like you can control, or that you know how to control.” I look out over the island again, letting my gaze wander along the coastline. “They shouldn’t make you feel emotions that you don’t know the names of.”
“Strangers, well they are a little different. If you feel those funny emotions with a stranger it might be best to wait until you know them a little bit better. How do you think you would feel if you did something that made you feel funny with a stranger and then you never saw them again? Or the next time you did see them, they were really mean?” I turn my eyes to look down at her. “I know it would make me feel bad and all sad inside.”
“Those funny emotions can lead to other things, more life changing things.” I pause, just briefly. “It’s much better if you wait a couple of years before you act on those funny emotions. I know it’s hard because it feels nice to feel like that, but trust me, baby, it’s much better to wait and do the very best to not act on them yet.”
The knot in Kali’s chest eased as Roma spoke slowly, softly, not getting mad or asking lots of questions about why exactly Kali was asking. “So the kind of touching that makes you feel all tingly and hot and breathless and achy, that’s not a family kind of touch? Is there a reason why not? I guess it maybe makes sense why you wouldn’t want to touch a stranger like that in case you didn’t see them again or they were mean...well. Though. I think the only part of that that’d make me feel bad inside is if they were mean, and that’d make me feel bad no matter if they’d kissed me and made me feel good first. But why not family, when you know they’re not gonna be mean?”
And the longer they talked, the easier it got to peek up at Roma, to maybe even look her in the eye. Nobody else talked so frankly with her, so openly and honestly, and Kali was awfully curious. No it’s a secret, don’t worry about it, it won’t happen again, no I’ll tell you when you’re older, just actual answers that might maybe help her understand what was going on.
“What kinds of life changing things? I believe you, I’m just curious. And it’s nice to have somebody to talk to who’ll be honest and tell me things and doesn’t get all quiet and not answer instead. Is that ‘cause we’re friends, that we can talk about things other people maybe don’t want to talk about, or maybe feel like shouldn’t be talked about or should be secrets?”
“No, baby, it’s not.” I sigh softly, turning my head so I could touch her forehead softly with my lips. “Because, family touches don’t lead to mating, like the funny feelings that make you all breathless do. Could you imagine letting your brother or uncle or dad, put a baby inside you?” I knew Kerberos would probably kill me for putting his name in that list if he ever found out. I knew he wasn’t like that, not even a tiny little bit. All I was trying to do was get a point across to her. I let my lips linger briefly amongst her mane, tugging lightly on the forelock tendrils I could reach.
I turn my gaze out away from her, not wanting her to think that I was by any means upset or angry or anything like that. Awkward, this was a little awkward for me and I wished Kerberos was here to help me out just a little bit. Although, maybe if he was, this conversation wouldn’t be going so well.
Well I had answered both of her questions with what I had said and so I am quiet for a long moment, letting her digest what I had said and in return wondering how to reply to what she had said there at the end. “Well, Kali, I think it just depends on the friend. But I think that this applies to this conversation, yes.” I smile, letting the corners of my lips curl up. “I think if you have questions you should have answers, how else are you going to learn if you don’t know? So you can always come to me for the hard ones no one else can answer okay?”
A small pause. “Has someone made you feel all fluttery and achey?” My golden eyes finding her beautiful brown ones.
Kali grimaced and wrinkled her nose. “Oh ew, no, I for sure don’t want a baby. That’s how you get a baby, from touching and stuff? Is that how come Mom and Daddy had me, ‘cause of how good it feels? Do you have to have a baby, or can you do the rest without a baby? I don’t think I want a baby ever, or at least not for a very long time, but does that mean I can’t ever -- oh hey, what’s mating mean?”
It felt really nice, Roma playing with her hair, all cozy and snuggly. Probably if they’d been talking about anything else, Kali would’ve closed her eyes and laid her head on Roma’s shoulder and had a good long cuddle. Instead, she looked up at Roma with wide, bright eyes, already putting together a list of a million questions to ask. “Good, I’m glad you feel that way, because I’ve got lots of questions.”
And she probably would’ve launched into at least seven of them without pausing for a breath, but Roma’s next words and the look in her pretty gold eyes had Kali’s endless stream of questions drying up abruptly. She opened her mouth to answer, to deflect, but no words came out. Instead, she just bit her lip and looked down, not really sure what to say. She’d promised it was a secret, and she wouldn’t break a promise to Khari. But she didn’t want to lie either, not to Roma for sure.
Darn it, it wasn’t fair. If it hadn’t been for that one little word, secret, she would’ve been able to smile a shy, sneaky little smile and nod and tell her friend all about it, like probably girls were supposed to be able to do, right? Talk to each other about boys and kisses and things? Get all fluttery again thinking about it, be happy and excited and maybe a little bit embarrassed but share anyhow and it’d make them closer, like best friends.
“Um.”
She blushed, pulling away from Roma, ducking her head and hiding her face. Maybe she could answer without saying too much, without giving away the secret part, though she wasn’t really sure which part was supposed to be secret. “Well.” Couldn’t lie, couldn’t tell, she just curled up in a miserable little ball and didn’t say anything. For a long moment, she just sat, fighting with herself, wanting to answer and talk about it, wanting to keep the secret, wanting to change the stupid subject and go back to talking about fun things instead.
Good secrets felt good. They were fun and sneaky and happy, and she felt good and sneaky and happy--when she was with Khari. She still would, if he hadn’t said she couldn’t tell. Well except Roma said family wasn’t supposed to touch like that. “No,” she said softly, not meeting Roma’s eyes. But the lie made her feel wrong inside, made her feel bad. “Maybe. Not on purpose; we were just playing, and--” She snuck a peek up at Roma, just a quick little darting eye contact. She sighed, deflating a little. “And then it felt different and new and good and I liked it a lot and don’t be mad, okay? I didn’t know about the baby thing, or waiting until I'm older, or that there’s things you’re only supposed to do with some people and not others.”
