04-20-2016, 10:39 PM
If I could collapse in on myself and dissolve into nothing I would. I'd crush the shattering glass inside my chest into fine powder and let the wind carry it away, carry all of me away and scatter me into oblivion and just let it be done instead of taking so long. It didn't hurt at first, not my name, not my mother's unceremonious goodbye, not even really letting Rile go because it was supposed to be that way, the stronger twin surviving and the weaker one failing to thrive.
But I can't will myself to come undone faster no matter how hard I try. For the tiniest instant I forgot that I shouldn't exist, and in that fraction of a heartbeat I learned what it is to yearn. But she knows now. She knows, and she's going to leave too, and when she does I think I really will die because no heart could possibly keep beating when it's in so many jagged pieces. Especially one that was never meant to beat in the first place.
She speaks my name, and it makes my breaking heart skip a beat. See? It's already starting to fail. She hasn't even turned away yet and I'm dying one faltering beat at a time. Go, go, go, please, I can't take it much longer, but she doesn't listen. “No,” she says, and I wonder for a moment if she's read my mind. My body starts to tremble, the whole world hanging on her next words. And when they come, I think I must have missed it, must have missed the part where I die, because an angel stands in front of me offering me all of heaven with one little sentence.
But no, my body's still trembling and my heart's still beating. I can't quite make myself move, can barely breathe while I try to understand. I'm not dreaming. Life couldn't be that cruel, to give me a dream like this and then make me wake up all alone. Could it? She touches me gently, as if she can feel how fragile my insides are, and my body moves to stand of its own accord, my mind still frozen with terror that I'll wake up if I'm not careful. And then I'm suddenly curled up against her chest and sobbing out my heartache against her skin. I don't know how long the tears last; it feels like forever. But when they are gone and my chest feels a little less jagged inside, I take a deep, shaky breath and nod.
“I think I could be Nevi. At least, I can try.”
But I can't will myself to come undone faster no matter how hard I try. For the tiniest instant I forgot that I shouldn't exist, and in that fraction of a heartbeat I learned what it is to yearn. But she knows now. She knows, and she's going to leave too, and when she does I think I really will die because no heart could possibly keep beating when it's in so many jagged pieces. Especially one that was never meant to beat in the first place.
She speaks my name, and it makes my breaking heart skip a beat. See? It's already starting to fail. She hasn't even turned away yet and I'm dying one faltering beat at a time. Go, go, go, please, I can't take it much longer, but she doesn't listen. “No,” she says, and I wonder for a moment if she's read my mind. My body starts to tremble, the whole world hanging on her next words. And when they come, I think I must have missed it, must have missed the part where I die, because an angel stands in front of me offering me all of heaven with one little sentence.
But no, my body's still trembling and my heart's still beating. I can't quite make myself move, can barely breathe while I try to understand. I'm not dreaming. Life couldn't be that cruel, to give me a dream like this and then make me wake up all alone. Could it? She touches me gently, as if she can feel how fragile my insides are, and my body moves to stand of its own accord, my mind still frozen with terror that I'll wake up if I'm not careful. And then I'm suddenly curled up against her chest and sobbing out my heartache against her skin. I don't know how long the tears last; it feels like forever. But when they are gone and my chest feels a little less jagged inside, I take a deep, shaky breath and nod.
“I think I could be Nevi. At least, I can try.”