04-23-2021, 09:17 PM
Its a whirlwind of then and now, my past and present endlessly fleeing each other. Ignoring the future, because as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing there. Just an endless, empty expansion that will carry me along with it kicking and screaming. Or just silent, and empty.
There are so many cracks in my skin. Eventually there won't be enough of me left to recognize, simply a fading trail of blood splatters to remind anyone that I once was at all.
His next quip is enough to give me pause. Enough to change my mood entirely. My giddy, reckless air is replaced almost instantly with something far more sober, and I nod in agreeance. "I expect you're right," I say, and the sorrow that sits at my very core raises its head like an old friend.
Isn't that all I am, when you pare away everything else? Beneath the rage and the antagonism and the spite; there is sadness that has been my only companion many sleepless nights. He has unwittingly sapped the fight from me, the need to be the loudest. The strangest. The maddest. What remains is the girl who has always wondered what secret she is missing out on, that is constantly getting her left behind.
It won't last. It never does. These moments of clarity are all too brief, and the space between them grows as the years go on. That's for the best, if we're being honest. Each time there is more violence for me to account for, and it gets harder and harder to face what I've become. What I've been all along.
Voice uncharacteristically rough and low, I shake my head violently. "No, no. Forgetting is the easiest part. No. It's holding on to things I'm no good at-" my voice breaks on the admition. The darkness squeezes so close that I think I could sink my teeth into it if I tried. I have tried, I realize.
@[Ashhal]
There are so many cracks in my skin. Eventually there won't be enough of me left to recognize, simply a fading trail of blood splatters to remind anyone that I once was at all.
His next quip is enough to give me pause. Enough to change my mood entirely. My giddy, reckless air is replaced almost instantly with something far more sober, and I nod in agreeance. "I expect you're right," I say, and the sorrow that sits at my very core raises its head like an old friend.
Isn't that all I am, when you pare away everything else? Beneath the rage and the antagonism and the spite; there is sadness that has been my only companion many sleepless nights. He has unwittingly sapped the fight from me, the need to be the loudest. The strangest. The maddest. What remains is the girl who has always wondered what secret she is missing out on, that is constantly getting her left behind.
It won't last. It never does. These moments of clarity are all too brief, and the space between them grows as the years go on. That's for the best, if we're being honest. Each time there is more violence for me to account for, and it gets harder and harder to face what I've become. What I've been all along.
Voice uncharacteristically rough and low, I shake my head violently. "No, no. Forgetting is the easiest part. No. It's holding on to things I'm no good at-" my voice breaks on the admition. The darkness squeezes so close that I think I could sink my teeth into it if I tried. I have tried, I realize.
@[Ashhal]