02-28-2021, 09:58 PM
She's tired of being sorry, but she never apologizes. She has never stopped and tasted those words, only the bitterness of regret and shame sharp on her tongue as she runs from one devastating misadventure to the next. Why should today be different? She doesn't apologize, she avoids his gaze so fervently that the corners of her eyes actually ache with the effort of it and she can barely see him past the sparkling fuzz that blurs her vision at its edges. Her words are always wrong, her actions always too far, so what is the point of sorry? What does it fix? The only thing she ever learns from her mistakes is that she will make them again and again.
From her place in the soft earth stained with sweat and blood (and tears; her own,) she hears his retort and the golden mare is nodding sullenly in agreement before she realizes. Why should he leave? It's her that runs, that always needs to escape herself, but she hasn't got the strength. The rage that filled her has left in its wake a foggy weakness that hurts her lungs and her throat and her heart, so she only sighs heavily, breathing deep against the constricting muscles of her chest and savoring the pain that cuts through everything else, that brings the world into focus again.
Cassian's casual mention of his mother makes her heart skip.
Mama.
Would things have been different if she hadn't been lost? If she hadn't ended up on the Isle she would have less reason to hate dragons. If Leilan hadn't found her she would have had no reason to go to Nerine. If she had never gone to Nerine, she couldn't have failed Lilliana, and Eurwen, and Brennen. She would not have killed the tigress, would not have crushed her with skyborne rock nor felt the wicked satisfaction of seeing her dead. Could it have been that easy to avoid everything? Oh, but her heart twinges at the thought of never knowing her father. Leilan. Incorrigible, unapologetic, always ready with a joke and a sharp-toothed smile. And a dragon. She forgave him for that so long ago she doesn't even remember when it happened, but it did, and now she sees a piece of him in the black stallion lying perpendicular to her, whose grin returns far sooner than it should.
"I-- I'm..." I'm sorry. She still can't say it, even now.
"Would you tell me about her?"
From her place in the soft earth stained with sweat and blood (and tears; her own,) she hears his retort and the golden mare is nodding sullenly in agreement before she realizes. Why should he leave? It's her that runs, that always needs to escape herself, but she hasn't got the strength. The rage that filled her has left in its wake a foggy weakness that hurts her lungs and her throat and her heart, so she only sighs heavily, breathing deep against the constricting muscles of her chest and savoring the pain that cuts through everything else, that brings the world into focus again.
Cassian's casual mention of his mother makes her heart skip.
Mama.
Would things have been different if she hadn't been lost? If she hadn't ended up on the Isle she would have less reason to hate dragons. If Leilan hadn't found her she would have had no reason to go to Nerine. If she had never gone to Nerine, she couldn't have failed Lilliana, and Eurwen, and Brennen. She would not have killed the tigress, would not have crushed her with skyborne rock nor felt the wicked satisfaction of seeing her dead. Could it have been that easy to avoid everything? Oh, but her heart twinges at the thought of never knowing her father. Leilan. Incorrigible, unapologetic, always ready with a joke and a sharp-toothed smile. And a dragon. She forgave him for that so long ago she doesn't even remember when it happened, but it did, and now she sees a piece of him in the black stallion lying perpendicular to her, whose grin returns far sooner than it should.
"I-- I'm..." I'm sorry. She still can't say it, even now.
"Would you tell me about her?"
@[Cassian] beryl has mom envy