[private] the salt and the sea, agetta

[kensley]

i swore the days were over of courting empty dreams
i worshiped at the altar of losing everything

His mother had never taken that tone with him.
He had never given her reason to.
But he feels like a scorned child all the same.
He had not known that his own name could hold all those sharp edges.

It is not unkind, though. So, he smiles a sheepish thing and slides his gaze away from her face. What she says next is even kinder still, albeit unwarranted. He shakes his head in fractions, the movement stilted, but he does not open his mouth to argue.

To live with this agony is the least he could do to atone for the things he’d done and allowed to be done. He grits his teeth and the muscles pulse beneath the surface of his skin. He closes his eyes, briefly, just long enough to wish that he could draw a breath and hold it fast, long enough to find his equilibrium.

“That is very kind of you, Agetta,” he murmurs.

He does not argue but the words, kind as they are, hold so little weight. So much less than he wishes they would. He wants to believe her, certainly. He wants this to be enough to convince him to go to Ana and ask her to help him.

Perhaps it is her offer to go with him that finally sways him. He shifts his focus back to her face and holds her gaze for a long moment. She is not bluffing, he knows this. Her kindness is neither forced nor feigned. And so, though the smile is sad at its edges, he smiles all the same.

“Thank you,” he says, quiet, “you’re a good friend. One of the best I’ve had.” He reaches out to touch her shoulder, briefly, then draws away again. “I’ll go. You don’t have to come along, it’s a long way.” He glances briefly at the horizon and then nods with a kind of finality. “I’ll find you after and maybe I’ll be a little warmer.” There, a breath of laughter as he turns to go with one last glance cast over his shoulder at her. He hesitates only a moment before nodding again and heading off in the direction of Pangea.

i'm finding all this well-worn sadness i never knew i kept
and i still chase you into heartache every time you take a step