So close.
Is it her imagination, or is Shiya’s warm breath fanning across the remaining distance and pressing against Dillan’s cheek? They’re so close and yet so far; she nearly feels their bodies embrace for the first time in decades. Their eyes lock as Dillan gingerly steps onto an approaching leaf, stagnating it underneath her so she is another step nearer. <i>”I’m almost there,”</i> it’s more of a reassurance to herself as Shiya responds with a silent and piercing stare. The fear climbs in her throat, choking her when the current strengthens. <I>”Shiya!”</i> Help me, she wants to say. The words are on the tip of her tongue, but she paralyzes as the river continues to churn. What had been a tranquil gurgle becomes a great roar. Looking to her left, upstream and opposite of the waterfall, Dillan sees how a tidal wave approaches almost. It eats away at the bank, and just before she can muster the courage and strength to jump, she is swept under.
A gasp of air is all she manages before her body yanks down beneath the waves and tumbles against the rocks. Her right shoulder slams down against one. A tumble. A twist. Her lungs scream when she finds enough purchase to push against the rock bed toward the water’s surface. In an explosion, Dillan’s head and shoulders breach through the raging current long enough to desperately suck in a breath of air and shout her daughter’s name across the chaos. Shiya emerges seconds after, but only to inhale sharply before being swept underneath again.
The roar of the waterfall is deafening. Desperately paddling, Dillan struggles to remain afloat, the air escaping her faster than she can take it.Weak, so weak.
Every muscle in her body aches and cramps until there is not enough strength remaining to stay above the feverish waves. With an exerting grunt, Dillan’s head turns to see the waterfall grab her legs and pull down. There is nothing she can do, nothing to prevent it. In a single, smooth effort, she submerges again and is whisked away with the current. Her eyes shut in defeat as the odd sensation of death rattles through her body again.
Core – she remembers him, a face of her past – stands above her only to crush her body and push her farther into a watery grave. There’s not enough time to scream or to react before she is drowned again, and again, and again. It replays over, each increasingly more painful before her soul gropes desperately for familiarity. In place of Core is her family. They tell her she failed them. Krait steps forward, stern in his young face. <b>”You didn’t love us, mother,”</b> he mutters icily before Darling appears, <b>”We weren’t good enough for you.”</b>
Lyria, Vriska, Layna, Caelin, Avatre, Vulgaris… Larva…
They stand above her, stoic, and she is unable to speak back or reassure them that they all mattered, that they were all pieces of her heart.
<b>”You were an awful mother.” “You didn’t care about us.” “You forgot about us.” “You cared for your home more than us.”</b> Each one of their statements are polished knives stabbing and twisting into her gut, ripping her open and leaving her exposed to the pain of her failures. Larva, towering above the children, is a black, ominous cloud. His eyes, slit and reptilian as she remembers, are hollow when they fall on her. <b>”You turned your back on us, Dillan. You left us,”</b> he pauses as the wall of offspring step farther back, obscuring into the background. <b>”You left our family. How… How could I ever love someone so cruel and selfish?”</b> Her mouth opens, but there are no words, not even a breath; she still feels as though she is floating. There’s no way to defend herself, no feasible way to admit how much they mattered because Larva is already backing away to join the others. His head shakes disappointedly. <b>”I don’t love you Dillan. I can never forgive you for leaving us.”</b> He merges with the others, disappearing from focus.
Darkness follows.
Then a voice.
<b>”Mother! Wake up! Mom!”</b> Dillan’s eyes slowly pry open, her body washed onto shore a short ways from the waterfall. Shiya stands above her, willing her to rise, but Dillan struggles under the weight of her shortcomings. <i>”I’m so sorry, Shiya,”</i> but she doesn’t specify for what – for failing her, for refusing to stand, for destroying their family – and keeps her face pressed against the river pebbles for a few moments longer. <b>”Mom, you need to get up… please,”</b> a tear winds down from Shiya’s emerald eyes as she presses her nose to her dam’s cheek, resting it there solemnly before glancing over to where Nikkai addresses them. Groaning, Dillan lifts herself but remains lying down with her nutmeg eyes trained on the water lapping at the shore. <i>”Go live, Shiya. Try again. Find happiness,”</i> but her daughter is unyielding. <b>”No.”</b> The abrupt answer brings their eyes to meet, weighted by the emotions clawing at them both. <b>”I tried and tried again, but I was not destined for happiness. I’ve never meant for it,”</b> her regrets and memories choke her, but she forces herself to swallow it all down. <b>”I wanted so bad what you and dad had, but it wasn’t – isn’t – meant to be. Not even children were enough to give me true happiness.”</b> Her chin quivers, but it quickly stills when Dillan stands to embrace her.
It has been since childhood that they’ve folded into one another. Shiya buries her face into Dilllan’s neck, her body rattling with pain. <b>”I thought Vulgaris… but then Leliana,”</b> she stammers but is quieted by the adoration of her mother. <b>”Please go, mom. I don’t want to be there anymore. I don’t want to fail again.”</b> Frozen and torn, Dillan refuses to move, but her eyes flicker to Nikkai. <i>”I’ve lived my—“</i> she is cut off by Shiya shoving her forward, toward where the opening will be for them to pass through. <b>”There is still so much for you, mother. I’ve given up…”</b> bruised and beaten by the waterfall and by life’s tribulations, Shiya lowers her head in defeat. Unaware of mother’s nightmares, she murmurs, <b>”I love you, mom.”</b>
Sidestepping, Dillan inches toward Nikkai but her gaze does not stray from her daughter. <i>”It will not be in vain, my sweet.”</i> She will love her children, and their children, if need be. She will be better for them all, she silently promises. Quickly, Dillan returns to Shiya and embraces her a last time, pulling her tightly and close. <i>”I love you, too,”</i> peeling apart is slow and reluctant but soon she turns away to leave her daughter until a lighter voice reaches her ears. <b>”Oh, and mom? I think I saw dad somewhere. Tell him hi and that I love him too,”</b> tears brim Dillan’s eyes as she nods, acquiescing, before limping toward Nikkai. <i>”I will go. My daughter has experienced too much pain and heartbreak in life for her to return.”</i> It hurts to say this, to choose herself over her child, but in death she has watched Shiya crumble again and again.
At least here, in Death, family and love surround Shiya.
Is it her imagination, or is Shiya’s warm breath fanning across the remaining distance and pressing against Dillan’s cheek? They’re so close and yet so far; she nearly feels their bodies embrace for the first time in decades. Their eyes lock as Dillan gingerly steps onto an approaching leaf, stagnating it underneath her so she is another step nearer. <i>”I’m almost there,”</i> it’s more of a reassurance to herself as Shiya responds with a silent and piercing stare. The fear climbs in her throat, choking her when the current strengthens. <I>”Shiya!”</i> Help me, she wants to say. The words are on the tip of her tongue, but she paralyzes as the river continues to churn. What had been a tranquil gurgle becomes a great roar. Looking to her left, upstream and opposite of the waterfall, Dillan sees how a tidal wave approaches almost. It eats away at the bank, and just before she can muster the courage and strength to jump, she is swept under.
A gasp of air is all she manages before her body yanks down beneath the waves and tumbles against the rocks. Her right shoulder slams down against one. A tumble. A twist. Her lungs scream when she finds enough purchase to push against the rock bed toward the water’s surface. In an explosion, Dillan’s head and shoulders breach through the raging current long enough to desperately suck in a breath of air and shout her daughter’s name across the chaos. Shiya emerges seconds after, but only to inhale sharply before being swept underneath again.
The roar of the waterfall is deafening. Desperately paddling, Dillan struggles to remain afloat, the air escaping her faster than she can take it.Weak, so weak.
Every muscle in her body aches and cramps until there is not enough strength remaining to stay above the feverish waves. With an exerting grunt, Dillan’s head turns to see the waterfall grab her legs and pull down. There is nothing she can do, nothing to prevent it. In a single, smooth effort, she submerges again and is whisked away with the current. Her eyes shut in defeat as the odd sensation of death rattles through her body again.
Core – she remembers him, a face of her past – stands above her only to crush her body and push her farther into a watery grave. There’s not enough time to scream or to react before she is drowned again, and again, and again. It replays over, each increasingly more painful before her soul gropes desperately for familiarity. In place of Core is her family. They tell her she failed them. Krait steps forward, stern in his young face. <b>”You didn’t love us, mother,”</b> he mutters icily before Darling appears, <b>”We weren’t good enough for you.”</b>
Lyria, Vriska, Layna, Caelin, Avatre, Vulgaris… Larva…
They stand above her, stoic, and she is unable to speak back or reassure them that they all mattered, that they were all pieces of her heart.
<b>”You were an awful mother.” “You didn’t care about us.” “You forgot about us.” “You cared for your home more than us.”</b> Each one of their statements are polished knives stabbing and twisting into her gut, ripping her open and leaving her exposed to the pain of her failures. Larva, towering above the children, is a black, ominous cloud. His eyes, slit and reptilian as she remembers, are hollow when they fall on her. <b>”You turned your back on us, Dillan. You left us,”</b> he pauses as the wall of offspring step farther back, obscuring into the background. <b>”You left our family. How… How could I ever love someone so cruel and selfish?”</b> Her mouth opens, but there are no words, not even a breath; she still feels as though she is floating. There’s no way to defend herself, no feasible way to admit how much they mattered because Larva is already backing away to join the others. His head shakes disappointedly. <b>”I don’t love you Dillan. I can never forgive you for leaving us.”</b> He merges with the others, disappearing from focus.
Darkness follows.
Then a voice.
<b>”Mother! Wake up! Mom!”</b> Dillan’s eyes slowly pry open, her body washed onto shore a short ways from the waterfall. Shiya stands above her, willing her to rise, but Dillan struggles under the weight of her shortcomings. <i>”I’m so sorry, Shiya,”</i> but she doesn’t specify for what – for failing her, for refusing to stand, for destroying their family – and keeps her face pressed against the river pebbles for a few moments longer. <b>”Mom, you need to get up… please,”</b> a tear winds down from Shiya’s emerald eyes as she presses her nose to her dam’s cheek, resting it there solemnly before glancing over to where Nikkai addresses them. Groaning, Dillan lifts herself but remains lying down with her nutmeg eyes trained on the water lapping at the shore. <i>”Go live, Shiya. Try again. Find happiness,”</i> but her daughter is unyielding. <b>”No.”</b> The abrupt answer brings their eyes to meet, weighted by the emotions clawing at them both. <b>”I tried and tried again, but I was not destined for happiness. I’ve never meant for it,”</b> her regrets and memories choke her, but she forces herself to swallow it all down. <b>”I wanted so bad what you and dad had, but it wasn’t – isn’t – meant to be. Not even children were enough to give me true happiness.”</b> Her chin quivers, but it quickly stills when Dillan stands to embrace her.
It has been since childhood that they’ve folded into one another. Shiya buries her face into Dilllan’s neck, her body rattling with pain. <b>”I thought Vulgaris… but then Leliana,”</b> she stammers but is quieted by the adoration of her mother. <b>”Please go, mom. I don’t want to be there anymore. I don’t want to fail again.”</b> Frozen and torn, Dillan refuses to move, but her eyes flicker to Nikkai. <i>”I’ve lived my—“</i> she is cut off by Shiya shoving her forward, toward where the opening will be for them to pass through. <b>”There is still so much for you, mother. I’ve given up…”</b> bruised and beaten by the waterfall and by life’s tribulations, Shiya lowers her head in defeat. Unaware of mother’s nightmares, she murmurs, <b>”I love you, mom.”</b>
Sidestepping, Dillan inches toward Nikkai but her gaze does not stray from her daughter. <i>”It will not be in vain, my sweet.”</i> She will love her children, and their children, if need be. She will be better for them all, she silently promises. Quickly, Dillan returns to Shiya and embraces her a last time, pulling her tightly and close. <i>”I love you, too,”</i> peeling apart is slow and reluctant but soon she turns away to leave her daughter until a lighter voice reaches her ears. <b>”Oh, and mom? I think I saw dad somewhere. Tell him hi and that I love him too,”</b> tears brim Dillan’s eyes as she nods, acquiescing, before limping toward Nikkai. <i>”I will go. My daughter has experienced too much pain and heartbreak in life for her to return.”</i> It hurts to say this, to choose herself over her child, but in death she has watched Shiya crumble again and again.
At least here, in Death, family and love surround Shiya.