Father was darkness. Not the kind that greeted you on the other side of a nightmare, full of misery and fear, breeding doubt from the monsters you were certain lurked just out of sight. He was like night. He was the promise of sameness, of routine, but married with the doubt and uncertainty that had a habit of creeping in with the evening shadows. He was something you looked forward to seeing, something you grew to expect. Until he wasn’t anymore. Mother was wild. She loved father too much, or maybe it was the right amount, but her love seemed unstable, destructive. It was the only way Oksana knew how to love- with everything and all of herself, so fiercely, with no regard to the way that love seemed to pull her apart molecule by molecule.
Malis, the eldest child, was all dark and all wild. An imperfect combination. She felt everything, every happiness and every sadness, every awful wild thought, and Ilka had noticed despite the way her sister tried so hard to hide it. It was even worse lately, worse since Malis had disappeared and returned colored as brightly as a butterfly, full of silence and secrets as heavy as stones. Pyxis and Striar fell somewhere in between, or at least she guessed they did. Striar was still just a baby, her baby brother, still young and innocent and hard to place. Pyxis could’ve been her twin, though she was actually a year younger. They had always been together, inseparable, same and yet entirely different. Maybe that was what made it so hard for Ilka to understand what was in her sister’s heart.
But there was something in each of them that kept them tied in some way to the Chamber.
In each except one.
Except Ilka.
Home had never been the place in the pines, where a heart beat like a steady drum from someplace beneath the roots. She heard it like an urge, an echo. Go, go, go, go, go. When she had asked Malis about it, her brow furrowed and her mouth creased, Malis had offered her only the thin ghost of a smile. “Mine, mine, mine. It told Malis, purred in her ears, wrapped clenched skeletal fingers around her heart. But Ilka had stayed for a while, nearly a year, falling in love with the smoke scent that still clung to some of the trees and hollowed out logs, loving the fog when it rolled in cool and crisp and held her in its translucent cocoon. But even as she loved, fiercely but not so wildly as her mother, that restlessness grew.
Wanderlust claimed her.
Selfishy, greedily, it took her.
And she went willingly.
It was with a heaviness in her chest that she left that day, walking shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip with Malis as far as the meadow. But Malis, full of her wild secrets, would go no further. Ilka pushed her nose against her sisters warm, muscular neck, willing away the loneliness that was already threatening to choke her. Malis, true to herself, remained as stoic as ever, but Ilka thought she could see some cracks in the passivity she wore like armor. When they parted, Ilka refused to look back. She knew if she did that she would never be able to leave. But she also couldn’t stay. She let her feet carry her forward, counting the soft thumps of her stride to leave no room for thoughts of indecision and uncertainty to climb in.
When the kingdom limits finally came into view, night had fallen and the sun had sunken beneath the tops of the faraway trees. There was a clear path worn through the grass and underbrush, and she followed it without hesitation. Fireflies flashed in clusters as she passed, startled by an unexpected visitor at such a late hour. They reminded her of stars, flashing galaxies right within her reach. She smiled, though it was colored with homesickness as she thought of her mother. My sweet Ilka, you have stars in your soul, it’s why your eyes shine so bright. She felt a twinge in her chest, a moment of regret flashing so white hot she wondered for a moment if her heart would burn a hole right through the bottom of her chest. But it didn’t.
She paused at the edge of the kingdom, the black of her satin skin blending almost perfectly with the shadows. Only the white markings on her legs and face separated her from the night, catching and reflecting the starlight and drawing her out of the darkness. She felt that small bead of uncertainty like a seed in her chest, blossoming quickly into indecision that left her lingering uncertainly at the Gates edge, those nearly gold eyes peering passively through the dark.
ILKA
makai x oksana