03-03-2017, 09:03 PM
Ask me again tomorrow.
It’s kind of adorable how predictable we are. Our sarcastic little routine that barely masks a hell of a lot of affection. He’s a good man, Kade, and it’s nice to have someone to sass again. To have a friend to talk to about shit when...when it starts to get hard or complicated or confusing. Like it’s been getting lately.
“I’ll make sure to do that.” And I will, too. I’ve seen him what feels like just about every day since Rora was born, sassing and smart-mouthing and enjoying his company, letting Rora get to know her Uncle Kade. It means so damn much to me that she has that, an adult she trusts who isn’t her mom or her dad. Hell, I’ve made sure she has more than I did when I was her age, and the fact that I haven’t fucked that up is a damn relief.
She is growing quickly.
I snort and nod. “They do that, yeah. Feels like she was just that wobbly-legged little thing still trying to figure out how to use her feet, you know? Already a good year and a half old somehow, and it feels like I just blinked.” It feels like time has been passing so goddamn fast lately, like the whole world is on fast forward and I’m standing still. Suspended in time, spiraling out into infinity while my family is taking a far more direct path.
I swallow hard, trying not to think about what that means.
Do you think you will be having another someday?
My lower lip trembles and I draw in a shaky breath, letting it out slowly. “No, I...I don’t think so. It’s easy to get carried away that time of year, so it’s possible, but...I’m happy the way things are.” Except, of course, for the growing sense of inevitability, the crushing weight of goodbye looming in what I hope to fuck is the distance. How many more chances will we have to get carried away? God, and when the time comes, how badly will I regret that I didn’t take every opportunity available to keep another piece of my Rhory in the world? “I think Rora’s it for me.”
And then, because it hurts so much I can’t breathe holding it in, I whisper, “Rhory’s getting older, and...god, he’s so great with Rora, and she’s so damn lucky to get to grow up with a dad like him, you know? I fought having kids for the longest time, and when I finally did...I wanted them to have...just so much more than I grew up with. Parents that would do anything for them, family whose love they’d never doubt for an instant, who they knew would always accept them for who they are. I never knew my birth parents, and my adoptive mom dumped me when she found out about how I could play with the light. Left me with the scar on my forehead, the one that almost matches Rora’s marking. I was on my own after that, just me and my twins’ dad and my Rhory Lionheart. My boys.”
I trail off, looking out into the forest, remembering a simpler time before wayward hearts trampled all over one another and left each other broken. “Anyhow. No, I think it’ll be just Rora.” And if that hurts my heart in ways I didn’t see coming, well, I can be okay with that. At least until fall, when heartache and heat have a chance to change my mind. “What about you?”
It’s kind of adorable how predictable we are. Our sarcastic little routine that barely masks a hell of a lot of affection. He’s a good man, Kade, and it’s nice to have someone to sass again. To have a friend to talk to about shit when...when it starts to get hard or complicated or confusing. Like it’s been getting lately.
“I’ll make sure to do that.” And I will, too. I’ve seen him what feels like just about every day since Rora was born, sassing and smart-mouthing and enjoying his company, letting Rora get to know her Uncle Kade. It means so damn much to me that she has that, an adult she trusts who isn’t her mom or her dad. Hell, I’ve made sure she has more than I did when I was her age, and the fact that I haven’t fucked that up is a damn relief.
She is growing quickly.
I snort and nod. “They do that, yeah. Feels like she was just that wobbly-legged little thing still trying to figure out how to use her feet, you know? Already a good year and a half old somehow, and it feels like I just blinked.” It feels like time has been passing so goddamn fast lately, like the whole world is on fast forward and I’m standing still. Suspended in time, spiraling out into infinity while my family is taking a far more direct path.
I swallow hard, trying not to think about what that means.
Do you think you will be having another someday?
My lower lip trembles and I draw in a shaky breath, letting it out slowly. “No, I...I don’t think so. It’s easy to get carried away that time of year, so it’s possible, but...I’m happy the way things are.” Except, of course, for the growing sense of inevitability, the crushing weight of goodbye looming in what I hope to fuck is the distance. How many more chances will we have to get carried away? God, and when the time comes, how badly will I regret that I didn’t take every opportunity available to keep another piece of my Rhory in the world? “I think Rora’s it for me.”
And then, because it hurts so much I can’t breathe holding it in, I whisper, “Rhory’s getting older, and...god, he’s so great with Rora, and she’s so damn lucky to get to grow up with a dad like him, you know? I fought having kids for the longest time, and when I finally did...I wanted them to have...just so much more than I grew up with. Parents that would do anything for them, family whose love they’d never doubt for an instant, who they knew would always accept them for who they are. I never knew my birth parents, and my adoptive mom dumped me when she found out about how I could play with the light. Left me with the scar on my forehead, the one that almost matches Rora’s marking. I was on my own after that, just me and my twins’ dad and my Rhory Lionheart. My boys.”
I trail off, looking out into the forest, remembering a simpler time before wayward hearts trampled all over one another and left each other broken. “Anyhow. No, I think it’ll be just Rora.” And if that hurts my heart in ways I didn’t see coming, well, I can be okay with that. At least until fall, when heartache and heat have a chance to change my mind. “What about you?”