so reckless you might start feeling; beth

[adna]

one touch will make you so nervous you might stop breathing
one touch will make you so reckless you might start feeling
one touch will finally show to me what you can't hide

His questions do not strike her as odd. Do not do anything but sit her heart into something like a frenzy when she realizes that he is so easily could get to the heart of the matter. With each question, he cuts to the core of her and she realizes that she has no real defense against him. Even when she tells herself that she does; even when she tells herself that she can protect herself. She knows in the end, she can’t.

He sees right through her.

And when he finally decides to be rid of her, she will have nothing to recover.

This fear rises in her throat and she inhales slowly as they walk, their pace still quick and the concern for her daughter still very much present. But it quiets as she wraps her head around the questions that he presents, trying to unpack the years of turmoil and trauma and the broken way her heart beats.

Trying to unpack it for him.

“Maybe I want it too much,” she says and although she wants to lean into him again and find courage in the slope of his shoulder and the press of her mouth to his jaw, she keeps herself separate. She keeps her gaze on the horizon and on the shadows, wondering if each one is the shape of her daughter.

“Maybe I just want the good so badly that I break it before it can be broken.”

She thinks all the different things that could mean. How badly she wants him—all of him. How badly she wants to find her way back to her family. How badly she wants their family—whole and happy.

She realizes how out of reach these things are and exhales slowly.

One day, her want will turn on her.

One day, it will be the end of her.

ADNA