you could break my heart in two, but when it heals, it beats for you
How should this have gone? Is there a world in which she could want someone the way she wants him, where each of them is flint to the others steel but without all the things that keep them apart? Kensa doesn’t understand him or why he can look at her like she is a detestable thing and still make her want to crawl beneath his skin.
She shouldn’t want to. This shouldn’t be happening at all. She knows that even if she cannot understand his reasons for rejecting their attraction she sees all the complications rising up around herself. Still she lets her heart ebb toward him. If Brigade had been simpler, fallen to her wiles or been utterly dismissive of her she might not have been trapped. Kensa feels the way she claws toward him and it is wrong. Already she has given her heart and to only one. No matter how she uses her body, the feelings and the attachment are fleeting. The lines might muddy sometimes (Starsin is a blurred line, a little confusion) but other than those rare occasions where she could find something more in her heart if she leaned into it Kensa is emotionally chaste. Until Brigade.
There is no leaning, not even away, and Kensa sees all the broken glass on the road ahead of her and steps out of her shoes anyway.
A bitter laugh escapes her as they continue to echo their last encounter, backward and more confused than before. It’s difficult not to come apart but one tear has already snuck out of her flooded eyes and swiftly fallen. A million answers to those two questions run through her mind and if she screamed in his face like a harpy instead of managing to speak, she would not have surprised herself.
“Things I shouldn’t...” Sometimes saying something aloud can numb its power even when Kensa should be listening to any and every fear of what he could do her heart and body. Other things she can say aloud and feel how the come alive on her tongue, truths more powerful than she wants them to be. “It was too late for me the moment I heard your name.” Its too late for a lot of things. Her words are harder than she means them to be, thick with tears and Kensa’s nostrils flare as she draws a steadying breath full of the scent of him. Topaz eyes make a slow search of Brigade’s face before a thrill of madness makes her speak again, fiercer. “Tell me what you see when you look at me. I want you to tell me what made you look at me like that last summer… and then, once you’ve done that.” The thundering of her heart combined with the tightening of her chest leaves little room for her to breathe so that next words hitch. “I want you to fucking kiss me.”
It’s been a long time since she’s been willing to admit it to herself but she really is a stupid girl.
Kensa
@[brigade]
