and let me crawl inside your veins. I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain.
Her entire life she has always felt like either not enough, or too much. Not enough softness, not enough kindness; too intense, too brash. She has fooled herself into thinking she doesn’t care, that no one else mattered. She could be alone, she could leave behind anything and anyone, and she would be fine. She didn’t need Ophanim, she tells herself, a useless chant that she tries desperately to carve into her heart where forgiveness had once been written. He had them; he had so many of them. And all she had was herself, just as it should have been, just as she should have kept it.
And little by little she can feel parts of that foolhardy strength beginning to wear away. Every time she is wronged, every time her already fragile trust in someone is cast carelessly aside, she loses a little bit more of her resolve. But she doesn’t know how to completely fall apart. She only knows how to steel herself, and how to dig deep beneath the hurt and the sorrow and pull all her anger and cruelty to the surface.
She feels betrayed over all of Ophanim’s countless children when she had explicitly voiced how it made her feel; she feels humiliated for believing that he loved her more than anyone else. Almost losing him had briefly overshadowed all her hurt and insecurity, but it had only lasted for so long.
She was still livid over what had taken place in Sylva with Vadar, but if she had learned anything from the situation it was to not expect anything genuine from anyone ever again, and revenge was best kept as just revenge.
She doesn’t know how she expects coming to Pangea to fix it.
Or maybe she comes just to see how fast she can burn herself to the ground.
It catches her off guard when his chest is against hers, and something in her masked persona almost falters when it makes her skin flush hot. She hears it, that fleeting want in his head, just like last time, but this time she is ready for it. When he steps back she follows, almost predator like when she is pressed against him again, her soft lips hovering near his skin when she says, “We both know it’s not a secret.”
The way her mouth finds his neck leaves no question to why she is here, and she ignores every warning that tried to remind her what happened last time she had tread down this dangerous path. Her manipulations had been spun and twisted on her, and she had been left feeling used and filled with all regret and no satisfaction. She can’t promise herself that when morning breaks that she won’t regret this either, but knows there is only one way to find out.
starsin
it’s not like me to be so mean. you’re all I wanted.
( just let me hold you Like a hostage. )
@[litotes]
