In the wake of the four quests, exhaustion takes hold. Despite the reward administered to me for my efforts, I find myself constantly dreaming myself out of real life situations; what with our forces effectively cut into thirds (combined with my own rashness which is soon to result in some sort of political backlash I am sure), the Cove no longer feels like home.
It feels empty.
Emptiness, however, is not a feeling which frequents my wife often these days. Her stomach swells with the promise of child, only one; but compared to the beaming woman who bore me three foals in one go, she, too, is exhausted. While still the most beautiful mare on the face of this continent, Solace weakens alongside our plague-free bodies. It turns out that the beginning of Beqanna’s innermost healing will not be a painless process. It doesn’t make sense that we would feel pain while the land is being remedied, but by now, we have come to terms with not always understanding that which the land commands.
Time passes, and we spend more and more time together and less and less time beyond our homely grotto. The mountain-nested cave still doesn’t fit us the way Hyaline had those years back before the release of the contagion; this we discuss at great length, though our voices are hushed and melancholy. It was never our intention to have it end this way - but, we justify, better this way than dead or at war.
Dew rises foggily from the night-wet grass as we depart for the meeting spot where once a great legion of followers had amassed; air, crisp and fresh around us, speaks to new beginnings. I churr low in my throat, hoping to reassure Solace as we make our way to the end of an era. When her wing brushes equally reassuringly against the length of my side, I smile; even during this sad time, I am immeasurably happy with her.
Straightening, I gaze ahead and lose myself to memories of the past as though to do so might ease my way into our uncertain future.
***
I remember...
Waking up from the beyond by the river and meeting Insignificance; discovering her age-old love for my father Kavi, disappeared for longer than I could remember. Despite my insufficient knowledge of the new lands, declaring that I would find us both a home, that we would stick together no matter what.
Making my way soon thereafter to what had been called a sanctuary by other passerbys. Witnessing for the first time the breathtaking beauty of the mountains… and then the lake. Gazing into its blue depths for what seemed like an eternity, only to turn a corner and come face to face with an angel. She said her name was Solace, and she assured me that my friend and I could come to stay for as long as we needed in her Hyaline. Turns out that I would come to need forever, with her.
Bringing Insignificance back to Hyaline, only to discover that my very own father had found his way there before us. The tears and joy of the reunion, the heartfelt laughter - and the utter shock of finding out that the two sneaks had become pregnant behind my back! Kissing Sig’s thin belly and singing to the baby that day and for so many following it.
Accelerating through the ranks far more rapidly than I anticipated; realizing early on that the sanctuary hadn’t many members to its name, at least functionally. Waking up one day from a dream like none other, followed by much exploration of a gift from far away. Welcoming my brother Khaedrik to this world and helping his shadowy mind through the nightmares that plagued it, growing alongside him and being glad to no longer be a single child.
Becoming ambassador, and feeling so honored that Solace chose me. Dreaming one night atop a mountain of my granddam, and awakening the next morning with her markings alight on my hide.
Falling in what I thought was love with the ever obedient, ever obliging, ever easy to experiment upon Rapt. Playing dangerous games in the Abyss, allowing him to have his way with me (though in truth I was having my way with him). Becoming pregnant. Being rejected by Khaedrik and his shadows - being told by them that I would die upon the birth of my unborn child.
Chaos, in every aspect of my life. Increasing my workload and feeling as though nothing mattered; feeling the worst fucking guilt of my life because I would rather my child die than me. Not knowing what to do, how to feel. Mentioning the situation to my closest friends; to Ilma, who had recently been raped (who planted the seed of thought in my mind which would come to be my saving grace).
Breaking down to Solace, who then held me all night as I cried into the folds of her being and fully resigned myself to the sacrifice to come.
Finding Rapt as labour began. Screaming. Forcing his body to tear apart in ways it never should have for the sake of my own life. Watching, dry mouthed and sick, as he birthed the child that ought to have been mine. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to act. Only knowing that I wasn’t a mother, at least not in the traditional way, and knowing that I hadn’t the will to figure out an alternative.
Abandoning my first born son Abysm with his father.
Being approached by the Nerinian queen Hestia. Being asked to find her dead children in the dreamscape. Feeling in my post-trauma haze as though this might somehow mend my psyche, I obeyed - and, without warning or tenderness, being forced to act as a portal for a higher power to transfer from its realm to ours. A demon, birthed into equine form as we awoke from the dream; a nightmare, a monstrosity, a testament to how utterly motherhood despised me.
Fleeing to the lake.
Throwing myself in.
Preparing to take that first breath - to end what I had began.
Feeling Solace beneath me, feeling her struggle to raise my sinking body as though she would die to see me live. Resurfacing in a sputter. Crying - god, how I cried - and choking and sobbing as she helped me drag myself from the water’s edge to a nearby copse. Breaking down again in her arms, and telling her everything; not leaving a part out.
Feeling her warmth with more intensity than I ever had before.
Forgetting my pain to the pleasure she promised.
Taking her in my dream and making love to her endlessly; establishing the foundation of a relationship which had never been interpreted as just a one night stand. I had loved her for months by then, she had been my best friend for so long; with death loosening its grip on my being, I submitted myself to loving the woman I always had.
Being reckless with her twin brother Svedka the next day as my psyche struggled to maintain balance; marking him violently, but in the end making another life-long friend. Bringing him feathers and sea shells as he brought me apples. Growing to love him as more than a friend - as a brother; taking him flying, and knowing that he deserved the world.
Enlisting for the Alliance, which brought about the shift in my position from Ambassador to General. Gradually healing from the wounds torn from my own recklessness, with both good days and bad; eventually coming to peace with what had happened, and looking forward to what was to come. Later, placing second in the Alliance and being gifted with antlers, and more importantly, my familiar Panthera.
Being throned and crowned next to Solace, as her Queen Caretaker and consort.
Meeting with Solace’s father, Warrick, and asking him for her hand in marriage when I was only supposed to be going on a diplomatic visit. Being told yes; having his blessing; becoming a daughter of his, too, beneath his navy wing. Feeling so, so whole.
Rushing home and bursting with the good news as I embraced Solace, making love that night after she said yes and conceiving our first child. Or actually, our first three; making it through those wildly crazy months, with so many laughs and cries and everything in between. Witnessing the birth of our triplets and again feeling a wholeness like none other.
Raising them alongside our other children, Abysm, Velk, and Valdis; doing our best though we knew from the start that it would never be enough. Accepting our imperfections as parents and striving to be the best we could be regardless. Navigating the uncertain waters of politics, generally staying afloat despite some rifts, and finding contentment in our beautiful Hyaline.
Having that contentment torn to shreds by the release of the contagion. Acting quickly and beginning a mass exodus of Hyaline to the East’s safe land, the Cove; being astounded at how many gathered before us, pledging their loyalty and support. Feeling almost as though things might be okay, as though the direness of the sickness might yet be avoided for those who called our kingdom a sanctuary. Still finding time to love one another, despite the distance of Solace remaining in the mountains while I ruled to Cove.
Eventually handing off Hyaline to new young Caretakers as Solace came close to birthing our fourth child. Welcoming Aegean into our little family, thanking the gods for the nature of his miraculous life when he ought to have died. Living in peace for some time as our family branched out all over Beqanna, and as the politics in other regions took years to become figured out whereas our quadrant presented a united front without pause. Taking part in the quests aimed to heal Beqanna of the sickness, believing that one day, we might return home to Hyaline when it all finished.
Not long after, having that united front torn to shreds just as our contentment was with the plague. Making mistakes on both our parts with no way to mend the wounds made thereby. Watching as the dynasty of our sanctuary fell to shambles what with the disappearance of Yidhra and my brash removal of Litotes from the throne. Some light shone through the ragged tapestry with the return of Amet, whom both Solace and I trusted most profoundly to do right by the kingdom he himself had founded so very long ago. And of course, we had another child growing in her womb; we were not dead, nor were we dying. But time comes for change at every hour, and now, it is ours.
***
We are at the meeting point sooner than I expect, this fact causing me to jolt out of my reverie. I smile sadly at Solace, wondering what thoughts are going through her head despite our having discussed this moment for more nights now than I can remember. When her porcelain head dips, signalling her readiness, I lift my chin and let out a call for any who care to hear it, shivers raising along my skin as I realize that this shall be the last call I make for our kingdom. Choking up halfway through the call, I nod back to Solace, indicating that she ought to finish what she began eight long years ago.
So many new faces (and many of them not pleased with us) would not realize the gravity of the change to come, would accept our passing as the usual happenstance of kingdoms. But our legacy will never be tarnished in my mind’s eye; our steadfast dedication to our moral principles and to the people of this land will never fail to cause a swell of my breast. I have loved Hyaline, I have loved the East, and above all, I have loved the people who came to love them, too.
Eventually they gather, and I find tears swimming in my eyes though I’d promised myself I wouldn’t cry. It doesn’t matter how few come, or how many. I have never been good at goodbyes.
I blink wetly at everyone who comes, finally clearing my throat in an attempt to steady myself. I brush against Solace at my side, feel the swell of the child occupying her womb. We are going to be okay.
“Greetings,” I call to those around us, the leopard marks atop my bay overo coat gleaming, the regality of my crown of antlers not diminished by the emotion in my voice. “There is no easy way to say this, so I will say it outright: the time has come for Solace and I to step down from the throne of the East. With time we realized that there are hands better suited to nurturing the multifaceted and developing nation of this quadrant; though we have experienced immeasurable joy as we served you, our people, to the best of our abilities, we know now that our best does not compare to the best of others.”
I swallow hastily but do not stop long enough for any potential interjections, knowing that I will cry if I must hear them now. "Furthermore, Solace is heavy with child, and the pregnancy is taking a toll on our beloved Caretaker as none of her previous journeys through motherhood have. I need to dedicate my time to my wife as she prepares to once again give birth; I hope that at least this may be understood.” We don’t want to abandon you, I feel myself almost say, the words jamming at the lump in my throat. We would never, ever abandon you - but we have to go.
Inhaling shakily, I once again give my eyes to each and every person gathered, thinking fondly of the memories I have with every single one. Though I cannot promise that they feel the same warmth toward me, I hope against hope that they know that I cherish them each more profoundly than they could ever know.
“It has been my honour and my boundless joy to guide you, my people, through the turmoils of the contagion and through the peace which preceded it. In a perfect world, I would never have to leave the Sanctuary’s helm… Know that I leave with a back-breaking sorrow, but that I also look forward to what the future has to hold.”
Silencing myself now before I talk myself into sobbing, I step back a full length, pressing my nose to the point of Solace’s hip. She deserves to have the final word; and she deserves to do it with the undivided attention of her people upon her. She deserves to descend as she ascended: alone, and all the stronger for it.
I smile, tears dripping down my face. How greatly I love my wife; how painful it is to end this chapter of our lives, but how brilliant it is to turn the page and begin writing our next.
kagerus
Caretaker of The Sanctuary | Lover of Solace | Immortal, Antlered Dreamweaver
Friends, it has been a pleasure walking this journey with you. Thank you so much with your patience with me through thick and thin; I will always remember mine and Kag's time as leader of the East with immeasurable joy. Until next time. <3
P.S, please wait for Solace to post before replying.
![[Image: kag]](https://78.media.tumblr.com/2e8039018ce4dff6112c167ec23e886a/tumblr_p72zjit7wC1s5a0qvo1_100.png)
dreamweaver