i'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece, ether

[Briseis]

little do you know how I'm breaking while you fall asleep,
little do you know I'm still haunted by the memories,
little do you know I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece

The mistake that she had made was still simmering inside of her, settled like a hot ember that refused to go out. Even in the midst of the dark it was like a nagging glow, following her even as she closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep. She was accustomed to not sleeping. Her nights had been riddled with terrors for as long as she could remember, since the first time she had washed upon Beqanna’s rocky shores, but now, they had changed. Previously, the nightmares had been more of a feeling; an intense, tangible fear that took hold of her mind and her legs and told her to run, to run even though she never saw what she was running from. And she always did; she ran right out of her mind and into reality, she ran until the burning in her lungs was so intense that it woke her up.

But now, almost every night, she saw him – smokey and blue, circling and pressing against her, and then onto her, and this time no matter how badly she wanted to run, her legs never moved. Every night, she missed her opportunity to escape, just like she had on that day, when she had stayed, frozen and numb, like a deer staring the predator straight in the face. Instead of waking because she was running, she was forced to relive the event every time, only waking because her heart was beating so hard it felt like it was going to explode.

It happens again, tonight, where she stands buried within a thick copse of trees on the edge of the meadow. The autumn sky is mainly hidden by the canopy of limbs that stretch above her, though a river of moonlight spreads before her. She had been careful to hide herself where the light did not touch, letting her black form melt into the night. She had avoided the Forest ever since that day, and yet she also had not sought the safety of Hyaline’s borders; she was an infinitely foolish girl, it seemed, but something inside of her had finally broken – something that had already been hanging by a thread, thin and precarious.

When she finally awakes she is gasping, her black neck damp with sweat, her muscles drawn taut and trembling under her glossy coat. It takes her a moment to grasp reality, her eyes taking in the nearly bare limbs that sway in the cool breeze, her ears catching the faint sounds of night as she steadies her breathing. He’s not here, it’s not real, she tells herself, both a reassurance and a scolding. She would never forgive herself for that day in the forest, for not leaving when she should have, for letting her ignorant curiosity get the better of her – something that would have never happened when she had first come here. Beqanna was changing her, in some ways that were better than others, but she worried she was going to pay for that mistake. It was too soon for her to tell if anything had come of that day – her frame still lithe and svelte, but she knew now what to look for. She had chastised herself for being careless with Leilan, and yet Chryseis had ended up being a priceless gift; she doesn’t know what will happen, in this case.

But most of all, she is terrified of what Ether will think.

She has kept her distance from him in the days that followed her encounter with Tunnel, no matter how much it had pained her to do so. Her connection with him had been indescribable, and she would have given anything to be hidden away in his shadows, tucked against his side, instead of alone, the way she has been. Mostly, she was humiliated. She didn’t know how to explain to anyone what had happened, when surely they would just find her incredibly naive and stupid. Why didn’t you run? She knows they will ask – because she asks herself the same thing every single day. And what are the chances that he, the only one that actually mattered, would even believe she hadn’t been with someone else willingly. It sounded unbelievable, even in her own head. So she kept it from him.

Tonight, however, she can’t help herself. The remnants of the nightmare still have her pulse racing, and hesitantly she steps from the protection of the small grove of trees, into the silvery moonlight that cascades across her dark form. ”Ether?” Her voice is soft, but the night is so still that the clarity of it almost makes her cringe, though her heart flutters hopefully, praying that she will see his golden eyes somewhere in the darkness.

BRISEIS

underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside,
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind