Let me apologize to begin with...
I can’t tear my eyes away from her lovely face as she suddenly explodes, her words as fierce and heartfelt as she is. My heart squeezes inside my chest as she rails at me. I know I deserve it too. I’d left her even after I promised I never would. It doesn’t matter how good my reasons had been, that is a sin that would always be unforgivable. And I don’t expect her to forgive me, not really. But when she tells me I still matter to her, even after everything, I find myself blinking tears out of my eyes again.
I don’t deserve her. Not even a little bit. But for whatever reason, she still seems to want me around.
Maybe she doesn’t care about being hurt, but the thought of it still terrifies me. I can’t lie to her. I never could. It’s why I’d left, because I knew she wouldn’t care that she was in danger. She’d always been so brave and fierce. Brave enough to stand up to the fairies, to tell them how she’d felt even when it meant she got banned from her home and separated from the only family she’d known. Brave enough to still care about me, even after everything.
“No,” I manage to choke out before closing the distance between us, almost helplessly. “That’s never what I wanted.” I pull her into my embrace, squeezing my eyes closed as I press my cheek against her wet skin. She had to know how much I cared about her. Had to know it’s why I’d left. That it had never been her fault.
“It’s not just scars, or burning,” I finally continue, my voice a little hoarse from tears and salt. “I could hurt you. Really bad.” I could kill her, but the thought is so terrible I can’t voice it. “And I don’t know if I could live with myself if I did that, Litha.” My voice wavers a little over that admission. She had no clue how hard it already is to live with myself. “I love you. So much.” My voice cracks, and I press my face harder against her as I suck in a shaky breath. Maybe she’d understand now. Maybe she’d see it had never been her, that I was the reason I couldn’t stay. But it had been so hard to leave her last time. I don’t think I could do it again if I stayed. I’ve lived with only my own thoughts for long enough now, I know it would be so easy to let her convince me not to go.
Moment
accident-prone son of Offspring and Lirren