[mature] all things change; LELIANA

[leliana]

I waited for something, and something died
so I waited for nothing, and nothing arrived

It’s calming to find herself in this moment, to let it wash over her.

Like an echo of another time, a memory softened by years and the pressure of the waves, the pounding of each frantic heartbeat. She wants to relax in it, she wants to let it fill her up, but she cannot stop herself from aching for the original, reaching for the sharp edges of it that only cut her apart. She is a foolish girl, she thinks. She is a foolish girl to constantly cry for the sun, for the moon, and to yearn for the hurt.

She feels the tears on the edges of her eyes again, but she takes a deep breaths and they evaporate.

“I don’t even know where I would start,” she whispers, the words barely taking shape on the edges of her lips. It feels odd to have someone ask such pointed questions of her. She wasn’t used to someone taking an invested interest in her and her feelings and she shies from it, unsure of how to behave beneath the spotlight of his concern. She takes a deep breath, chest swelling against his own, and then settles again into his embrace. “It’s difficult to pick the threads from the tapestry, to see the details on their own.”

Another thoughtful pause as she tries to gather herself, pulling her thoughts together.

“I just wish I knew what to do next.”

She closes her eyes on a wince.

“I can’t lie to my daughter forever, Chaol. How do I tell her that her father didn’t want us anymore?”

The words burn as she says them and she feels the piercing pain as she thinks of Adna. Vulgaris was her daughter’s hero—her knight, her prince, her everything. It was one thing to think of the rest of her life, and the loneliness that would come with it, but to think of telling Adna the truth?

Perhaps she was a coward. She just couldn't bear to think of it.

it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend
it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end