[private] all of history collapsing in its wake; kagerus

[Kagerus]

Kagerus

{ and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times }

He visibly relaxes, allowing my forgiveness to wash over his wounds; but a cleansing is not a healing, and I don't know how I feel knowing that. A part of me wants to take them away entirely, to someone find a way to blame myself for what happened, as if that would make coping with it easier; but I know it won't. No extent of victimization or self-sabotaging will make what happened okay - but just because it happened doesn't mean I can't move forward. That we both can't move forward.

Life is about progress, even when it makes your heart ache.

"We all deserve kindness," I murmur without meeting his gaze, my voice soft and vulnerable in the silence around us.

He speaks of my home next, changing the tone in his voice and signalling that I may again meet his gaze without feeling some kind of strange, heavy investigation, not that he's giving one. But meet his gaze I do now, or at least I watch as he takes in the beauty of Hyaline, eyes bouncing from the lake to the mountains to the copses of trees. It is a beautiful home. Not like the Jungle, and not like Tephra, either. I give a faint smile at these words, not sure what to say in reply.

But he asks a question then, causing my smile to stutter and fall. He reiterates that it's my choice to tell him. I swallow. It's not a personal story by any means; just a little daunting, talking to him like this. But I remind myself that he's been hurt too, I force myself to relive the nightmare he dragged us both through, to see his mother and his lover and the flames and the pain. He's been hurt, too. And there's no reason I can't join him in moving past that pain.

"It's a bit of a long and funny story actually, if you're not busy." He's the first to ever ask to hear it, and so I settle into my hip, my tone of voice lightening considerably as I throw up my head and think, the thoughts slowly unraveling into words. 

"After the Reckoning, I lost my father with whom I'd lived my whole life, and stuck to the river after some time in the Beyond. There I met Insignificance, who then found my father - and it turns out that they'd been lovers of a kind in the Chamber, decades and decades ago, back when Atrox was last spotted. I remember dad telling me stories about him, funny ones, though they weren't funny at the time. But anyway, I decided that Insignificance and I needed a home since we were both lost in the wake of the Reckoning, so I came to Hyaline, having heard that it was a sanctuary kingdom for refugees and what not.

I met Solace that day, though I had no idea it would lead to anything more than me serving beneath her. I went on to bring Insignificance back, and she reunited me with my father, and they live now in a willow grove to the east of the easternmost mountain. They had a son Khaedrik, and he lives here too. That left me in this kingdom with a lot of time on my hands, and I guess politics are in my blood - Kagerou is my grandmother, you might remember her as one of the Amazonian leaders - so I just. Went out one day. And then the next. Brought in a lot of new blood, including Hyaline's steadfast ambassador, Ilma."

I pause in the story, remembering my suicide attempt and how Solace had literally saved me from death by dragging me out of the waters; coughing to hide this hesitation, I brush over that part of the story.

"From there Solace and I fell in love, and she named me Caretaker alongside her. Besides running the kingdom together, we've also managed to have triplets, on top of my one other child and her other two children. It's nice, I think. I love my family." I smile, gently. "I love this life."

"I hope I haven't bored you, Magnus. If you'd like to tell me of your life, I wouldn't be opposed - though I figure it's much longer than my nineteen years."

@[magnus] hi I wrote you a history textbook