[private] all of history collapsing in its wake; kagerus

[Kagerus]

Kagerus

{ and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times }

It weighs on my mind too, but in the whirlwind of returning to my kingdom, it's been pushed to the wayside.

The children took days to calm and soothe, demanding that I tell them everything that happened since I left and how I got the scar and why I could possibly want such a thing - they're all too young right now to really grasp what it means to live forever, and neither Solace nor I will know if they've inherited my immortality for years to come at least. And of course I obliged their every wish, forgetting my pains and sorrows in exchange for games of tag and taking turns letting them come into their wildest dreams with me; I want to be a good mother, and this act of running away felt too much like when I abandoned Abysm. It sickens me to recognize the difference in how I treat the triplets and even the twins compared to him - but he is grown now, I missed my opportunity to mother him right a long time ago.

Still, it had been less than okay when I'd run into Magnus in the field. Despite having almost forgotten our encounter - how enraptured I'd been, how horrific his dream had been, and at the last, the suffocating heaviness of his unbidden passions - seeing him out in the open like that left me almost gagging. It's not that I'm angry with him, or that I blame him - I'd seen the way he'd looked at me right before I fled our river-bound meeting, I know in my heart that what had happened had been a misunderstanding, a slip up in the transition from dream to reality. But it had happened, and I though I held myself together for the sake of the recruit, I couldn't and still can't bring myself to remedy the situation of my own accord.

I might be a self-made queen and I might have been a hairs breadth from death and I might be a mother in the most otherworldly way, but something about what happened has left me shriveled inside.

So when I catch his scent drifting towards me, I freeze; I'm lucky to have caught it before actually seeing him, as it gives me time to compose myself. Although I do so successfully, there's a part of my mind that screams for Solace to come and to shelter me from the reality of what happened that night, to swathe me in the musk of her romance and in the heady taste of her cigarette lips against mine. But though she will support me in any endeavor, I know as Magnus approaches that this is something I must face by myself.

His facial expression is raw, grief-stricken and causing me to feel guilty about just how badly what happened truly did make me feel. I love my wife, and I would never consent to anything of the sort of what happened that night - but like I said, we were intoxicated essentially, and I can't blame him for also wanting to love someone. It hadn't been me. And I know before he asks for my forgiveness, that I have already given it to him.

Silence follows in the wake of his heartfelt apology, almost oppressive in nature as the clouds above skid ignorantly by. Ignorantly, and blissfully - two things I wish I could be in this moment. But I swallow against the lump in my throat and force myself to meet his gold-flecked eyes, the gut-wrenching feeling of looking him in the face lessening as I come to terms with what happened being something of the past.

"Please, I know you meant nothing by it." My own voice is raspy, reflecting perhaps the grievous wound which decorates my face, newly since last him and I met. Or, he'd seen it in the field, but had had the grace not to comment. "I forgive you Magnus, and I hope that you will feel comfortable roaming Hyaline... Warrick tells me you are faithful to Tephra, and any from that kingdom are welcome here." My voice sounds hollow, as if I don't quite mean the words - but I do, and I simply lack the luster to make them sound that way. Hopefully, a blink of my eyes will be enough to convey the truth of my words.

"It's beautiful here. Not like the jungle, but almost."

@[Magnus]