dear to me i know; rapt

[abysm]

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

Abysm does not believe his father hides anything from him, least of all secret hurts that bring pleasure mixed with pain. It’s not something he’s ever considered - that Rapt had a life before him, before even Kagerus came along. He’s been selfish that way. Not even stopping to think of anything BA - Before Abysm.

The quiet is really too long. He festers in it. Hungering and thirsting for the things his father will tell him. Rapt gives him a smile and all the affection that he’s ever thought really mattered. Then his name comes on a sigh and his ears flatten against his head because he knows this is going to be something unexpected—

It is. Rapt admits he doesn’t hate her and something inside Abysm deflates. It makes him seem that much more sadder and smaller and hollow. Hollow is a good word for it. The abyss-boy has an abyss opening up in him. He should have known, his father really was too good for this world.

 Nothing begets nothing, he thinks. Familiar with the ugly thoughts that creep and crawl around in his head. But he had no energy or desire to resist the way his father tucked his chin over his neck and drew him closer. It’s his turn to sigh and rub the side of his face against the golden hairs of Rapt’s fur. He always smells like home.

“I know she but sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough. Or it’s too little too late.” he is aware that he sounds utterly petulant and bratty. He cannot help the sulk that spoils his voice. 

Abysm doesn’t want to be like her at all - quick to abandon, quick to replace, hungry for crowns and lovers and legacy-making. He’s part of that legacy though maybe more of an ill gotten part... Here with his father, he’s afraid he’ll turn out to be just like her - full of nothingness and always searching for whatever is just out of reach. He doesn’t know how to tell his father that he already feels that way.

So empty.
So lost.

ABYSM

@[rapt]