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[Kagerus]

kagerus

and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times

The wind howls across us as we stand at the peak of the foothill, tangling my mane around my eyes and face; but little Tahti, her mane only sticks flat to her neck, too short yet to be of any true distraction. The eerie keening of the breeze leaves shivers crawling down my spine like spiders, the goosebumps seeming only to put the scene in an even bleaker outlook.

The foal bends in exhaustion against the touch of my familiar, and I wonder if perhaps only the leopard is the one who truly understands the way of things.

I will take care of her, Kagerus comes a voice in my head, different and far more real than the one I've been used to hearing during times of shattered mental health. My eyes roll in my skull at the intrusion, but of course, the voice can be coming from but one being: the leopard. I am Panthera, not 'the leopard.' Now focus.

Shaking my head to clear the unstable, catatonic thoughts that now flow through it with these multiple epiphanies in regards to the leopard - err, Panthera - I zone in to what the tiny black foal is saying, stepping closer and once again pressing her tiny figure to my body. She's exhausted; she needs the support; she needs her mother.

"Well don't you worry anymore Tähti, the test is over and you don't have to take it again," I say as soothingly as I can, nibbling her stubby forelock as I speak. My mind reels with the possibility of what she said being true (with the reality of it, given her appearance here as a newborn when she ought to be a yearling). "You may have died but you are back; I hope that death was not an unpleasant experience... I can help you feel better, if it was." My mouth opens as if to say more, but the little girl interjects a question of her own, and the wind falls from me as if from a punch.

Have you ever died?

For a moment, I consider telling her about my suicide attempt - but then I chastise myself for even thinking such a thing, reminding myself that she who was once a yearling is now a babe again, made anew by a power that I do not quite understand. Swallowing hard, and hoping she has not noticed my slight lapse in speech, I try to give her a convincing, semi-true answer. "I have not died sweetheart, but I have been close. It will be a long time until you are close again, okay?" My lips find her forehead, find the star placed so perfectly there. "Now tell me; are you hurt? Are you hungry? Your mother is around - but I will stay with you until we find her, or until she finds us. I promise."

@[Tähti]