01-20-2018, 07:16 PM
My father once told me I was like the wildflower; overlooked and trampled by most. A thing that would bend and bend and bend but never break. Whose will to live its only characteristic. The wildflower can grow anywhere, in spite of weather and the lack of nurture - it can survive even the crudity of the wintry slopes of my birth-home. I think he meant it as a compliment, a silly allegory that even the most insignificant things in this world has their own, unique, abilities.
I still cannot understand; how I – the scrub-brush mutt with thick legs and knotty knees and a voice that reminds you of cactuses could end up here, with them. They, my family of perfect imperfections and so much love it almost rips my battered old heart apart. We stand like that for a long time, a tangle of manes and limbs and necks and I tell Kagerus our story – how we met when we were younger and how I never knew she was his daughter until very recently. I tell her our story and I let Kavi fill in the pieces where my memories fail me.
I laugh with them, the tears of sweet, honeyed joy never drying on my cheek and lovingly I place kisses to the picture of us on my lovers hide. There is only one thing however, that is missing in that picture. And apparently; I realize with a pang of fear – that something has also chosen today to make his appearance into the world.
Our son.
The first contractions are mere ripples of unease coursing through my body, and I turn a terrified eye to Kavi. ”I think… I” and that is all I manage before another; stronger one comes and brings me to my knees. I am suddenly overcome by fear – what have we done? I am too old, too frail and brittle to survive this. There is the pain, wild and relentless, stretching its claws inside of me and purring softly against my ear, foolish old woman – what have you done to yourself. I look up at them with pleading eyes – as if begging them to help me. I am lost – to the pain, to my uncertainty and fear of this new sensation. But nature knows what she is doing, and before I can succumb to my own panic – my body has taken over, fulfilling the same job countless mothers before me had already accomplished.
And before long; the small being that will link us all together lays on the ground between us. A tiny splotch of gold, with impossibly long limbs and a fuzzy plume of a tail. I stay on the ground; panting from the effort and tired beyond worlds – not sure if my legs will hold me yet – but I press my warm nose to the back of his neck in a motherly gesture that surprises even myself. ”I´ve got this” I said in laughing surprise as I stare back up at Kavi and Kagerus.
My son however, does not emit a single sound. With his back towards us – the rise and fall of his miniscule chest the only sign that he is alive. My heart fills with unspeakable joy as I carefully clean his golden pelt, inhaling his sweet baby scent, forever storing it in the back of my mind. ”We love you, little one” I croon into his ear. Soon; I stagger to my feet in a labored gesture. ”I think I have to sleep for a decade” I tell them as I heave myself up. I need to get my son to eat – and I need to look into those eyes, I want him to know my face. Carefully I lean myself against Kavi, grateful for his warmth and strength. He truly is my rock. And so I turn to look at the face of my son for the first time;
And it is only then – when those too dark eyes; swirling with unnatural shadows and fissured grey like falling meet mine – that I understand.
Understand that something is terribly, terribly wrong