[private] Unloved, undetermined -- Kavi

[Insignificance]

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Every doubt, every insecurity and heartbreak is lost when I cling to his side, always my Kavi, and I try to remember that this isn´t a dream. My skin quivers as though a separate entity from the flesh it is bound to, flawed and etched with scars. It is a landscape, an escape, an endscape, that could mean anything, but perhaps it is just that; the end.  He is my rock in the tumultuous sea that is Life, and I cling to him like a drowning man clings to his last breath. His eyes like the ocean at midnight when the moon cast it´s morose reflection over the trembling recoil of waves. To me; they glittered like a bed of sapphires and diamonds, enchantingly so. His skin as golden as the great beaches I travelled during my years as a vagabond. My own hair, besilvered by night fell in supple curls messily arranged over his narrow, haggard face where it interlaced with his own. It reminds me of satin, how the spidery tumbles fell across his eyes parting that Great sea of a gaze like an impulsion, hurling me out into whatever vast world lay beyond this one. I had never been so compelled by beauty before, not like this.   There is a gossamer thread of intimacy that weaves between us, spun of all things pure and good. And I know it shouldn´t be there, but it is. And I have wandered too far, lived too long and lost too much not to yield to it. And I shudder into the darkness, as he begs me to surrender my secrets to him. So many. So many. ”I was afraid” I whisper into his skin, and my breath is cold, cold, cold to the warmth of him. I was afraid, I want to say, of this, of us, of heartbreak and failure and not being enough. I was a coward then; I wish to scream, too broken to accept what was there right before my eyes. But I don´t and it doesn´t matter. The past is a fickle, sullen thing. I have not loved like he has, not put any lasting footprint on this earth save for my name on his lips. And then there is that smile; the smile that even now makes the butterflies in my chest flutter anxiously and tugs at the strings of my heart that I thought long since ruptured. And though I do not smile with my lips in return – my eyes gleam with a million unspoken truths. His next words almost brings me to my knees. Daughter. Ofcourse. Ofcourse I laugh then, and my body trembles and quivers like an erupting volcano. I laugh at my naivety, how could I not have spotted the striking similarities between father and daughter. I laugh at how life even now at the end of the road has a way of weaving the frayed edges of me together. ”Kagerus” I whisper-cough, my old lungs too frail to stand such assault. ”Because she found me” Because she is the reason I am still here, breathing, laughing, smiling, loving ”Because she is family” My eyes; feverish with mirth and pomegranate red from the strain of laughter beg him to understand, to delight as I do. ”She is wonderful. You should be proud.” Perhaps once, my lovelessness was irrevocable. No matter what august light shone onto me, into me, through me. But here – in this strange land that had given me so much and taken so little (save the gaping wounds that even now mar the mud-bay of my hide.) those words don´t ring true anymore. Because here – I am loved. And I have just found myself a family. And still, age has not given me eloquence.  insignificance