Lacey
Even without meeting that deep, mahogany-ale gaze of his, she could sense his peace, so relaxed and content, so.. happy. She was surprised by it, wished she could fall into it too and be swept away. Maybe she could. Maybe it would be okay. He took a step forward.
And froze.
Oh God -oh God -oh God -oh God.
His whole body tensed, hers did too, his muscles locking taut and immovable. She held her breath, her eyes still away and down, waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting, for the judgement, judgement as he saw through to her mistake, yet another painful mistake. For the abandonment, as he realized she was a lost cause and he should never have stayed. Why was he even here? She never really understood it. Sure, she didn't have anyone, was completely on her own, but pity could only go so far. God, she was going to lose him for this. She deserved to. She never did anything right. Only wrong, all wrong.
He took a step closer, breathing in all her terrible deeds and studying the proof of them in her messy state. She groaned inwardly, immediately hating everything at all in the world. Why did he have to look so closely, why did he have to hunt down the truth even if it was so very loud all on its own. Why did it matter. Why did it hurt so bad. She was so tired of the pain, would it never end? It was all made somehow tremendously worse by him knowing it.
He dropped his head lower than hers so she couldn't avoid looking at him, her eyes widening as they met his and a silent gasp parting her lips. God, and it hurt so much worse to see his eyes. She was right to avoid them, and now couldn't tear herself away from them. "What happened?" But she couldn't speak, could only give a small shake of her head with that wildly fractured, fragile look in her eyes.
She.. She hadn't meant to. She hadn't known he was here on the island, should have been afraid of him. She had been afraid of him. But oh she was so stupid and stubborn and bold, couldn't just back down and run like someone better, someone with half a brain. Nobody would touch her, didn't he understand? She was ruined. Nobody would touch her, not even him. Nobody but the one who'd done it to begin with. Kirby was all she'd ever have. And she never really would have him at all, would she.
She was quickly growing more irritated by the gradual turn of her thoughts, angry tears pricking at her traitorous eyes. By the time he asked "what did you do" and pulled away, she was glaring with her jaw clamped shut to keep from speaking. Just bite her tongue this time, don't speak for once. Don't make it worse. But how dare he? It wasn't any of his business, was it? Was it fair to deny her the one person that would press his body against hers, whisper sweet things and strive to please her. Even if it meant nothing. It never would.
Not a damn thing.
And just like that, her brief strength was broken. She swallowed against a sudden lump in her throat, closing her eyes over the stupid anguish in them. "Why, dove", she almost didn't hear. God, she was so stupid. Her shoulders slumped and the fight left her. Why? Because it was all she would ever have. But she wouldn't anymore, would she. She would bet Kirby had seen through the hurt in her eyes and her pathetic demand to leave her alone by the way he instantly backed off. He'd know she was stupid enough to want what she could never have, and he probably wouldn't let her try for it again even if she swore it meant nothing. Now she wouldn't even have Kirby's touch.
She stood defeated. As she fell more still, more silent, more resigned in her pain, he grew more agitated, more distraught, more upset in his. He stepped away and began pacing, pounding his frustration into the ground beneath the solid weight of him. She stood. She took the beating of his emotions with her head bowed. Such a foolish girl. So stupid. He continued, spat his anger and disappointment, "Why. Why would you... Jaysus, Lace, and to think I've been waiting to be able to touch you. Fucking hell."
She jerked, recoiling as if slapped with a squeak of shocked pain, throwing her head to the side and her whole body tensing. God, definitely don't look at him now. He didn't mean it, couldn't mean it. Just wanted to hurt her back, that was all. That's how this worked. She caused him pain and so he causes her pain too. It was nothing, just words. Don't think on them, don't she dare even think about believing them for one second.
He groaned and punched the earth. She flinched. She tried to bury everything deep, deep down and school her face, slowly turn a blank expression to him as she finally raised her head a little. If she had any pride left at all, it was here in the stiff of her back and her deadened eyes, numb. And as he spoke again, she slid her eyes closed and focused on keeping her legs still and strong, keep from trembling or buckling to the ground as they begged her to. "...Does anyone matter outside that pretty little head o'yers?"
Her babies. Her babies did. She'd stand strong through this, for them. And she did. She stood silent as he finally stalked off with a string of curses in his native tongue. She glanced to be sure the twins were fine, could see Kylin off playing and knew she was never far from her brother though she couldn't see him directly from here. Then she crumpled to the ground and wept.
- - - - -
Her face was drawn when she searched for him the next morning, her eyes tight. She eventually found him passed out and sleeping off his hurt or anger. It was still early and the twins were still asleep, but she hadn't done much of that, herself. For a time, she just watched him, so empty inside. So hollow. So numb. Then she sighed quietly and stepped forward, reached toward him -and hesitated. Stopped. He probably wouldn't want her to touch him, would he? Ugh. Whatever, he was asleep anyway.
Reilly, she whispered with brows pinched in worry, barely touching to brush the hair from over his eye. Maybe it was a good sign that he was still here, even though he was so far from where she and the kids slept. She didn't want to call it "home," maybe it wasn't his home. But maybe it was a good sign. Here, and not completely gone. Maybe she could fix this somehow.
She supposed she was more likely to mess them up, though. But she'd at least try.
She shifted uncertainly, not really sure what she should do. Should she wake him? Or come back later? What if he left when he woke and she wouldn't be able to try and stop him?
She eventually settled on staying here with him, ready and waiting for when he would wake as she lowered herself to the ground near him. She'd only meant to watch over him and wait. She didn't mean to let her head lay a little close by his, or her eyes to slide shut for a little too long. She didn't mean to drift and sink into a fitful sleep plagued with nightmares, new nightmares. Ones where he left and never came back, not even to visit, and she never saw him again.
She wanted to be there when he woke. So maybe she didn't completely fail this time.
