04-09-2017, 06:41 PM
Ruan
Everything was getting worse. Everything was getting heavier. He'd thought if they crossed paths tonight.. that he'd find comfort in her presence, strength in her as he always had before. But that solid strength was quickly becoming a weight pushing back on him, not holding him steady. He should never hope to depend on another, even for a moment while he tries to find his feet again. He was tired of falling on his face.
And the thing in his mind. Where the hell was he? Always so intrigued when she was near and now suddenly so silent. Only a glance at him to note her presence and now gravely still.
She sighed and said Jinju felt she should apologize to Circy. Good. She had needed to apologize, she'd acted surprisingly bitter towards Circy with no apparent cause. All Circinae had ever been to her was kind. She didn't deserve that. But she continued, told him Jinju had thought the two of them were getting too close. His brows pulled together as he turned to study her, her darkened figure leaving the shadows to join him.
"I thought we were too, especially when we came together on nights like this."
He held still, frozen in place with lungs gone worthless and his heart suddenly racing. Sharp eyes searched hers, desperate. She couldn't mean that the way it sounded, could she? He'd been married, she'd known he was married. She was beautiful, breath-taking, and made him feel steady when he swore all he ever did was trip and fall. He only had to look in her eyes to feel grounded again, connected when he was so very disconnected. But he was married. Or had been. Could she really believe so little of him? That such a bond could be shed like a cloak the moment one got bored or the weight too much to bear?
Did marriage mean nothing to anyone anymore?
He felt a rage boiling up inside him. Why the hell did they think so little of him? How could they ever doubt his loyalty? Didn't anyone know him at all?
His jaw clenched tight as he waited for her to finish. Something about lashing out at Heda that didn't make a bit of sense to him. He hadn't lashed, hadn't even snapped; had only made it clear that if any of them had a problem with what was expected of them, they could leave. Silently. Why was that not okay? Then a confession, that she had fallen in love with him. At one time he may have been able to believe it, but this whole encounter was feeling more and more wrong. Is that why the beast was so silent? It no longer trusted her, no longer believed she was genuine?
And as she continued, her voice and expression so picture-perfectly sad and sorrowful, he realized what this really was. It was guilt, and it sure as hell wasn't his.
Enough. Hard and final, he stared into dark eyes and stepped forward. When he needed comfort and support, needed a friend, something already so foreign to him, he had instead found someone beating at his bleeding legs to make him fall lower. Instead of understanding; more accusations, more pain, more faults signed off in his name.
If you know me at all, you should know that I am faithful. I was married, Circinae. Doesn't matter to who -to you, to her, to anyone- doesn't matter how rocky or how happy it was, I would Never jeopardize such a union. God, and he was technically single now? Had he been married to her instead of Reagan, he'd never do wrong by her. He'd always thought that was something people would respect. He could be trusted to always remain faithful. Always.
But this wasn't really about that, was it? There was something bothering her, something itching under her skin. If she was so unhappy here with him then why did she stay?
If you don't want to be here, then leave. I won't stop you. Was that it? Did she want her freedom, an excuse to leave and never come back? Wanted to blame it on a broken heart? God, because his was surely breaking all over again. It wasn't enough to lose his wife, to be accused of things he'd never do only to find her doing those very things; he had to lose Circinae too? The one person that made him feel strong and whole when everything inside was falling to pieces. The one that had roused that damn beast in his mind as no one else had?
He wished she wasn't important to him. He wished this didn't feel like scars reopened. He wasn't enough for his wife -ex-wife. Maybe he could never be enough for her either.
And the thing in his mind. Where the hell was he? Always so intrigued when she was near and now suddenly so silent. Only a glance at him to note her presence and now gravely still.
She sighed and said Jinju felt she should apologize to Circy. Good. She had needed to apologize, she'd acted surprisingly bitter towards Circy with no apparent cause. All Circinae had ever been to her was kind. She didn't deserve that. But she continued, told him Jinju had thought the two of them were getting too close. His brows pulled together as he turned to study her, her darkened figure leaving the shadows to join him.
"I thought we were too, especially when we came together on nights like this."
He held still, frozen in place with lungs gone worthless and his heart suddenly racing. Sharp eyes searched hers, desperate. She couldn't mean that the way it sounded, could she? He'd been married, she'd known he was married. She was beautiful, breath-taking, and made him feel steady when he swore all he ever did was trip and fall. He only had to look in her eyes to feel grounded again, connected when he was so very disconnected. But he was married. Or had been. Could she really believe so little of him? That such a bond could be shed like a cloak the moment one got bored or the weight too much to bear?
Did marriage mean nothing to anyone anymore?
He felt a rage boiling up inside him. Why the hell did they think so little of him? How could they ever doubt his loyalty? Didn't anyone know him at all?
His jaw clenched tight as he waited for her to finish. Something about lashing out at Heda that didn't make a bit of sense to him. He hadn't lashed, hadn't even snapped; had only made it clear that if any of them had a problem with what was expected of them, they could leave. Silently. Why was that not okay? Then a confession, that she had fallen in love with him. At one time he may have been able to believe it, but this whole encounter was feeling more and more wrong. Is that why the beast was so silent? It no longer trusted her, no longer believed she was genuine?
And as she continued, her voice and expression so picture-perfectly sad and sorrowful, he realized what this really was. It was guilt, and it sure as hell wasn't his.
Enough. Hard and final, he stared into dark eyes and stepped forward. When he needed comfort and support, needed a friend, something already so foreign to him, he had instead found someone beating at his bleeding legs to make him fall lower. Instead of understanding; more accusations, more pain, more faults signed off in his name.
If you know me at all, you should know that I am faithful. I was married, Circinae. Doesn't matter to who -to you, to her, to anyone- doesn't matter how rocky or how happy it was, I would Never jeopardize such a union. God, and he was technically single now? Had he been married to her instead of Reagan, he'd never do wrong by her. He'd always thought that was something people would respect. He could be trusted to always remain faithful. Always.
But this wasn't really about that, was it? There was something bothering her, something itching under her skin. If she was so unhappy here with him then why did she stay?
If you don't want to be here, then leave. I won't stop you. Was that it? Did she want her freedom, an excuse to leave and never come back? Wanted to blame it on a broken heart? God, because his was surely breaking all over again. It wasn't enough to lose his wife, to be accused of things he'd never do only to find her doing those very things; he had to lose Circinae too? The one person that made him feel strong and whole when everything inside was falling to pieces. The one that had roused that damn beast in his mind as no one else had?
He wished she wasn't important to him. He wished this didn't feel like scars reopened. He wasn't enough for his wife -ex-wife. Maybe he could never be enough for her either.
