He listened, but he didn't really hear, as Ashley spoke. He hated this. He didn't want to be here. He'd only wanted to run her off, make her leave Leliana alone. And then he'd be gone too, he'd leave her alone too. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to see them. He just wanted to be away, away. So far away. He should ask for his freedom. No, he had no purpose without the man and his brand. He was nothing, so lost. Cerva had been his whole reason for being; now gone. Atrani, gone. Everyone gone.
He had nothing, was nothing.
His mind focused at the use of his name. "Dovev is going nowhere." Well, at least Ashley wasn't allowing someone else to command him, he supposed. But then he continued speaking, laying bare all of Dov's inner thoughts and emotions to everyone who already thought so little of him, and he wished they didn't have to hear that he thought so little of himself, too. His face flushed and he turned away, couldn't look at them, any of them.
"You have her, and she believes in you -that is a hell of a lot of something."
But he doesn't have her. He may never have her. And maybe that was for the best, for her best.
And then his mind was borrowed, and his eyes were forced to meet the magician's as he guided through memories and showed him things that were never truly far from his mind. At first, his face was blank, simply allowing and accepting this. But gradually it turned pained, moisture glittering in his dark eyes, and he wanted to fight against having to see all of this again; his Cerva, his daughter, the power and training he'd been gifted with to protect them. Leliana. His failures. His love.
When will enough be enough for you, pup? When will you learn that what I have taught you was simply so you could be happy?
He closed his eyes, swallowing against the heartache, and turned his head away again. He remained that way even as Leliana spoke, and when she asked them to leave, it hurt, but he didn't even hesitate to do as she wished. He wanted the hell out of there, too. So, he began walking away, only to stop in his tracks and stiffen when her warm magic trickled in, then completely melt into it.
It wasn't much, but it was perfectly effective as though she stroked fingers down his cheek, under his chin, and his face turned to follow that retreating caress of magic as his eyes slowly opened to meet hers. "I need to be with Dovev. Alone." He felt the pain of hope burn in him and his heart flinched, squeezed. He shouldn't stay, he shouldn't stay. He'll only hurt her more somehow, just by speaking, just by breathing. All he was, was pain.
A touch at his side expanded his awareness with a sharp inhale, jerking his head around. Don't touch me, you can't touch me, his mind snapped silently at her, a useless warning unheard. His heart immediately thundered at the soft brush of lips against his bare skin, his darkness seeping in, and he focused on her, watched her as she trailed over his hip, along the stretch of his back, the curve of a sharp shoulder. He remembered that day, very clearly. He remembered she took Leli's face and color. He remembered telling her to change back to herself.
"You could have so much more, if only you were brave enough to reach out and take it."
He smiled slowly at her whispered challenge, despite that they were at odds for the time, despite that he attacked her. But he said nothing. Because she already knew bravery wasn't a problem. She already knew he would reach and take her, he would gently coax that fleeting warmth back into her eyes and burn her skin with desire.
And then she left and he was walking purposefully to Leliana, black eyes intent on her as he stepped into her without askance, stole from her as he always did an embrace he'd been aching so long for. Let her shove him away if she must, he would have at least this. He could survive on this, he lied, as his nose buried into her dark crimson hair and he breathed her, starved for her scent. Leliana.. he breathed in longing. He'd take this, just another memory if it had to be. He might be forced to leave, she might make him leave.
But he could never truly let her go.
I'll take my bow, I won't make a sound
I whisper truce as the ashes hit the ground
