this is all of me for all the world to see; leliana

[leliana]

I know what it is but I'm hoping that all is well
no harvest of green but it's still my heart to sell

She was quiet as he spoke. Quiet as the words began to be whispered into her mane, her neck. They were what she expected to hear, but it still cut through her, ripping apart her defenses, leaving her open and vulnerable and aching. As he spoke, she began to shake, small trembles that raced beneath the flesh; small earthquakes that threatened to tear her apart, to expose all the beams and pillars barely holding her afloat.

She couldn’t bear to hear these truths and yet she couldn’t bring herself to stop him. Because these were the truths that would break her. These were the truths that would expose all of the self-hatred and shame, that would turn against her, create wounds she could not heal from. Still, she remained there, pressed into his chest, her mouth on him, tasting the salt and the desire. A reminder, she told herself.

Burning it all into her brain to save for later.

She waited until he fell silent, after he had brought up the stallion’s name, (Zoryn and this too was branded in her mind). She waited until the only thing that could be heard was the steady beating of their hearts, their shallow breaths. She remained there, wings curled around her barrel, her mouth hovering on his chest. She could survive this, she thought. If this was all she was to be given, she would survive it.

“I am so sorry you went through that,” her voice was uneven at first but then steadied itself, the fog of it whispering through the wind. “To—to lose your memory. I couldn’t imagine it.” It twisted her apart, to think of him in pain, to think of the confusion, the deep, unending black hole within himself. Of course he had sought a diversion. Of course he had looked for something to ease the pain. She couldn’t blame him.

For a moment, she stood there, soaking him in, reminding herself of the way this felt, the way he tasted, the way he smelled. She gave him the smallest of kisses then, lingering before, she took a small step back, peeling from his warmth. Tears appeared in the corners of her hazel eyes but she found his gaze and gave him a soft smile. “I am glad to know your pain is over, Dovev. I am glad to know that…” her tongue faltered when she thought of the gold and white man, the healed wounds aching, “Zoryn helped you.”

Her heart shattered. “I’m happy you have your family back.”

And she was—even when everything in her was slowly turning to dust.

I put everything I had into something that didn't grow
like going on a wild hunt, shooting arrows without a bow